Monday, June 22, 2009

Unexpected Hit

I woke up feeling good, positive, in good spirits. I began having anxiety and it just continued to escalate. Today was the day.  My mom was going to see Aviana for the first time. I have thought of this day plenty of times, actually planned for it. We have prepared my mom, we've told her what the doctors have said, we have described what Aviana looks like, and have even showed her pictures so it won't be such a terrible shock. Every time the thought of today has entered my mind, I've coached strong,  don't fall to pieces, you can do this. I've had to be stronger than I ever thought possible for her in this past week. I can vouch, the saying holds true, "You never know how strong you are, until being strong is only choice you have."

This blog has done a great job of calming my nerves and giving me a great sense of peace. About an hour prior to her arrival, I couldn't think of any better way than to post on here. After all, I couldn't just start installing a few pieces of wood floor in that short of a time. I sat down, stared at the blank canvas within my mind for a few moments, began reading some uplifting comments, and then decided to post some of my favorite pictures of Aviana. It seemed I could handle it. Let's just say I bit off way more than I could chew! There were so many, and I felt I couldn't just leave this one out, or that one, for that matter. The snowball began rolling downhill. It gained momentum with a quickness. Faster than I ever expected or could handle.

Through tears, I looked at the clock. "My mom!" I ran over and popped a pill in hopes of a quick calming effect. Poor pill didn't even have a chance. Tears were falling faster and faster. I was beginning to lose control. My mom was going to be showing up at any minute. The last thing she needed was to see me like this! The problem is, I am Type A, through and through. So what do I do? Even in great despair, I cannot start something, and not finish, for that would be criminal! I continued to push through, get it done. I then went into what Oprah describes as, "the ugly cry," and boy was it ugly! When my mom walked through the door, I was uncontrollable, inconsolable, but yet still attaching picture after picture, as she was trying to pry me away from the computer.

All of a sudden, in her eyes, BLOG = BAD. To no avail, Dave was trying to tell her that this was the first time this has happened. I didn't know what I attached, where, the order was all messed up....I couldn't see for goodness sake. I finally called it "finished" and walked away!

Double pictures, bad order, I say...whatever, and I want so badly to mean it!  The magic, little blue pill kicked in, and I somewhat re-grouped. I said I was sorry to my mom, hugged her and we were off!

1 comment:

  1. hey you two it's your bro, just sending my love and all the hopes in the world that the three of you will back in eachother's arms in no time. we
    here in the rader household are all praying for this as well. if you want to talk just give us a
    call, anytime... the girls say hello and that they love you all, especially aviana and that they hope that she gets better real soon.

    love, the raders