Trick or Treat

Happy Halloween!

Today is my absolute favorite holiday of the year! I hope you all have a safe, happy Halloween!

What is our little girl going to bee this year?

Who could forget the cracked out kitty cat?

Or the Gothic Vampira? She was miserable in this costume.

What is she going to bee this year?

What are your kids going to be tonight?

The Plight of Two Friends

Good news ~ I feel I have turned a corner. I am so thankful to be feeling so much better. I can't pinpoint exactly why, maybe because the month of October is almost over, maybe because Oprah is the gift that keeps on giving through her show Lifeclass, maybe because we made a few more pies, maybe because it's cyclical, or maybe just because. Whatever the reason, I am grateful!

I do however have a post that I just didn't have the heart to publish at the time, as it was just too painful for me.

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Aviana has this best friend named Lily. Before the accident they were inseparable and had the absolute best times together.  They were both from Guatemala and brought home a little over a year apart. Lily's parents, Peter and Sarah, are two of the best people you will ever know. We are so lucky to call them our friends. We used to get together and while the girls were running amuck, we would drink and talk about how amazing their bond truly is. We looked forward to a future of watching them together every step of the way.

Then tragedy struck.

I will never forget the first time Lily saw Aviana after the accident. Aviana was truly unrecognizable from how Lily had last seen her. I have always thought Lily to be one of the sweetest, most loving little girls in the world, but nothing could have prepared me for how this little sweetie handled her first interaction with her beloved friend. Lily was so brave that day and most of all, she was as loving as she had always been toward Aviana.

Ever since the accident, and every time Lily is around Aviana, she treats her with only love and respect.  She brings certain toys over that she thinks Aviana will want to play with and while Lily is around her, she talks to her and holds her hand. She sees only her best friend.

I had been having a really difficult month already, but this exchange of e-mails kind of sent me over in a heart wrenching, yet loving way.

Hey Jen,

Avi looks really cute in her backpack.  I'm glad she is adjusting to it.  Umm and the stander and your reference to Silence of the Lambs classic.  Had me in stitches.

 

So I'm writing you cause I've been struggling with whether or not to send Avi an invitation to Lily's party.  On the one hand we love Avi.  Lily has already been telling her friends about how they need to be careful around her friend.  On the other hand I know and understand how you feel about kids birthday parties.  But how rude of me to ask to borrow your camera and then not invite you to her party.  And I really wouldn't want you to think we forgot about Avi or that we didn't want her to be at Lil's party.  So I've included the picture of the invitation so you can open it if you'd like.  If you feel up to it we'd love to see you and if not we completely understand.  

Love ya, 

Sarah 

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Sarah ~ I bawled my eyes out reading your e-mail. For so many reasons...because you are so sweet. Because Lily is so sweet and caring. Because Lily still loves Aviana and treats her so well and wants everyone else to treat her well. Because Avi got hit by a car. Because our lives our so freakin difficult. Because a simple birthday party causes so much struggle for our friends and us. Because I need to talk to Dave and get back to you. Because you guys are the most amazing friends ever and I am so thankful to have you. Because Avi has been forced to enjoy her best friend's party from a totally different perspective. Because I have a hard time getting out of my own way these days and doing what is best for Avi and parties rather than what is best for me watching her at a party. You are the sweetest, most thoughtful, loving friend and I will thank you one million times for how you are. I'll get back to you soon. I am sorry I can't answer now. Life is just like that now :o( Love, Me P.S. And once again...I can't stop the tears :o(

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I love you Jen.  I cried when I read your letter.  I want you to know I think it's ok to protect your heart. You are faced with heartache on a daily basis and I think it's ok to be guarded when it comes to parties. I didn't go to a shower for 4 years after losing Lucy. I didn't lie I simply said it's not time for me yet.  So anyways either way I love you and understand your decision no matter what. 

Love ya, 

Sarah

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We are so beyond fortunate to have friends like these. I have no idea where we would be without them. 

Thank you Peter, Sarah and Lily for being exactly who you are!

My Heart, So Blue

We all miss her so much!

"You can do it Kama!"

"Hmmm...this is a little scary!"

I was annoyingly all over her...all the time.

She is planning her escape.

Little does she know, she can't escape a crazed lunatic! My eyes say it all.

She made me so happy. 

Every ~ Single ~ Moment

She made me this crazy. I was drunk on love! 

Oh my gosh...I miss her so badly!

Who makes you smile that big?

These two melted my heart.

I love Aviana's face in this picture. Makes me cry now.

It's too much.

Too much.

I Will Always Love You

I miss you my love.

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http://avianareese.blogspot.com/2010/10/goodbye-my-love.html

ER

Thank you all for your sweet, supportive comments. You guys are the best. I hope none of you thought I would ever stop writing like I do though. It all is me and me is all I want to be :o)

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I have to say, October has been quite the doozy of a month. And if that wasn't enough in itself, someone thought it important for us to take a trip to the ER.

This past Friday night, we were making cupcakes for my cousin's annual Halloween party. We took a break from them and went to the mall. Once we got back it was time to feed Aviana dinner. I was talking to my dad on the phone in the kitchen and Dave was putting Aviana in her stander in order to feed her. Yes, he feeds her in that crazy contraption. Aviana displays decorticate posturing and this causes her feet to point outward. Many times a day, to get her into her boots, to put her in the stand, etc we are both required to bend her feet into a more natural position. Dave was doing this and all of a sudden I heard my name, firm and loud. I took one look at him and knew it was bad. I hung up with my dad. Aviana was screaming her face off. Dave said her foot just snapped. It completely gave way. That has never happened before. Her foot is always rigid and at this time it was swelling and floppy. We were beside ourselves.

I held her tight and tried to calm her down as Dave called the advice nurse. The ER doctor recommended we bring her in. I knew we were in for about a 5-6 hour night, so I asked if Dave could bring her and start the clock while I gathered some coffee, sweatshirts, etc for the night. I also packed Rainey up and was going to bring her to my brother's house.

I had kept it together for Aviana, but the second the door shut, the floodgates released. I was distraught. I was so upset and cried to my dad, my brother, my mom, Dave...heck I would have cried to a calling telemarketer at that point. I wasn't crying because she may have possibly sprained or broken her ankle, but over what this actually meant. It meant she is breaking down. It meant her bones are becoming brittle. It meant no matter how much we fight back, the truth of the matter is ~ she is deteriorating. It meant our little 5 year old girl is falling apart before our very eyes. It meant that because she cannot move like you and I or use her muscles like we can ~ she is slowly, but surely withering away.

I was also crying because in her short little life she has been through more than anyone I know.  It is simply not right for her to have to live through anymore pain and anguish. She doesn't deserve anymore. She is an innocent, sweet little girl and should be doing and experiencing what other kids her age are. She should have been running around the kitchen begging me for one more cupcake or to try on her Halloween costume. I wanted to throw my fists in the air and scream....please, just let her BE!! Let us be! We've been through enough. We are just trying to survive. Leave us alone!

The last part of this weepy mess of a mom was that she got hurt before she ate dinner, so she was probably hungry. Dave took her food, but I thought she would be too upset to eat.

Anyway, I dried my tears and packed the car. I slid into the driver's seat, had my R-dog in the passenger seat, coffee in the cup holders and was just about to open the garage. It was then that Dave texted me and told me she sprained her ankle and they were just about to leave the ER. It was the fastest trip to the ER ever, and it was about 10pm on a Friday night when he got there. I was so relieved.

She is not allowed to do anything that involves her ankle for the week. While I am happy to see her healing, I am terrified of what else is happening below that beautiful, brown, glowing skin of hers.

I'm a Mixed Bag

Today my bother said, "your blog is so depressing lately. Isn't it supposed to be full of hope and something good for people to read?"


His question lead me to believe I should maybe explain. He's right, it has been that way. I am going through a really difficult time right now, a time I always feared and prayed would never come. But, it is here and I am doing my best just to somehow survive it. I know my blog has not been the most uplifting lately, but the truth is I don't feel that way, so it's hard for me to be anything but who I am. I use my blog as an outlet for my deepest, darkest feelings. I also think if I am feeling this way, maybe there are others in a similar situation feeling this way too. By keeping it open, I might be letting someone else know that it's ok to feel crummy and not entirely ok. I am also desperately trying to find help in your comments or advice on what has worked for you in tough situations. I really value what you have to say and read through very carefully as to not let anything pass me by or run right through.


I am sorry though if I do come across as a downer lately, I really am trying desperately to pull myself up. I definitely would rather be hopeful than less, happy rather than sad, and optimistic rather than pessimistic. What we are up against has a way of feeling so darn overwhelming at times though. 


I have been going to counseling more these days than before. I don't feel totally depressed and I don't mope around, I keep going and try to make the best of our situation, I really do try to look at the bright, but sometimes things just feel so dark lately. And this month has not felt the best for obvious reasons. I do however still have fun, still go out, still laugh, still act a fool, but I have been crying more than normal and such too.


My counselor said I am finally grieving. She said I went into full protection mode over my mom and Gary at first and then dove straight into The Institute program, which didn't give us any time to think about anything else. She said the magnitude of everything that happened in such a short period of time finally hit me when we started to slow down and breathe. I'll tell you what, this grieving stuff can really feel terrible. I can't stand it and wish I could just wave my magic wand and poof ~ have it be over.


My friend Jen and I were talking the other day and I asked her if I should just stop talking about it, stop writing about it, just get over it. She said she doesn't think this is something I will ever get over and later sent me this quote. I feel this is the perfect time to post it.


"I have learned now that while those who speak about one’s miseries usually hurt, those who keep silent hurt more.” 


~ C.S. Lewis


In closing, I wanted to send my most sincere thank you to Blogger. Thank you for taking today to pick on me and screw up my formatting. I thank you from the absolute bottom of my heart ; )

A Girl and Her Dog

I have never wanted to be one of those people who had something bad happen one month and then it affects that entire month. I try not to focus on holidays or anniversaries as well. I try to go about my days as ~ this is a new month ~ within a new year. This is a new time. October is my very favorite month because it contains my very favorite day...Halloween. 

Kama was starting to get sick at the end of September and it was in the beginning of October that we found out she had cancer. The entire month of October was destroyed ~ from beginning to end. I have been doing my absolute best to act as though it is any other October, but it is not working. I have learned that avoiding these months, holidays and anniversaries does not work for me. As hard as I try, they have a way of always chewing me up and spiting me out.

It is in these particular months and times that I see just how incredibly damaged I am. How truly traumatized I am, becomes crystal clear.  I feel like I should be better and many times I think I am, but at my core, I am not. 

I have been a walking disaster this month. I am one that can be laughing one moment and then have tears streaming down my face the next. Dave used to say, "Honey, are you crying?" Now he's all too used to it.

I miss Kama so badly and this is the month where I realize I need to start coming to terms with the fact that she is gone. I felt I had been handling so much with Aviana and there truly was no more room for loss. Unfortunately, life doesn't cooperate quite like that. I don't quite understand it though. I feel that if I am crying every single day and often times multiple times a day over her....isn't that dealing? No. I have not dealt in multiple other ways. If her name is uttered by anyone, I can feel the tears well up and my immediate response is, "Sorry, I can't talk about her." I have not read any cards that were sent during that time. When I got them, I quickly ran them to a drawer and pushed them away without reading a word. If any gifts arrived, I found a nice safe place in a closet for them. I can't look straight at her ashes without losing my marbles. My aunt and uncle gave me a commemorative tile to design and have put up at the ASPCA and I have yet to even open the envelope. It is stashed in a safe place as well. 

I feel her void in every inch of my mind, body and spirit. She was everything to me. To us. I can't type about her or post pictures without losing my mind. I have been working on this post forever. I just can't bear to be without her and I just can't seem to believe I really am. I feel like a piece of me has been ripped away. In many ways, my heart feels like a deep, black abyss. All I want, is what I can't have. I try so very hard to be appreciative of what I do have. I do a pretty good job, but sometimes the weight of what I don't bears down too heavily.  

An interesting thing happens when you lose someone. You tend to recycle pictures. We do this all the time or talk about them as though they never aged. Aviana will forever be 2 and 10 months and the things she said will forever be how she spoke them and what she said. That girl will never age. The picture above is a perfect representation of all I have lost. Two of the most important things. Both of them...gone!

How am I to deal with the loss of BOTH of them, and Zoe too. Our family of five was quickly down to two. That is too much too fast. All within 16 months. Two to cancer and one to a brain injury. GONE!

I feel so lost and alone this month. I feel defeated. I feel sad. Sometimes scared. Kind of numb. I feel like I am not sure which way to turn or how to proceed with anything. I feel discombobulated. I feel like I am just blowing this way and that...just to survive. And I know the worst feelings are yet to come :o( We are going to my cousin's party this weekend and Dave and I already talked about how I am going to lose it! And this is why. I never thought I would say this, but I can't wait for October to be over. My very favorite month...over. What kind of life is that? To wish pieces of it over?

This was when we first went to the vet to see what was wrong with her. 

I was terrified in this picture. I was thinking, if they tell me something bad, I want to die! 

Die!

She was sick and I was bawling my eyes out!

The Chemotherapy worked for one day and I was over the moon.

Over the moon. I thought maybe, just maybe we might have her for longer.

This was when she stopped responding. Her fur was constantly soaked with my tears and everything else fell by the wayside. Because all I wanted to do was be wrapped up with her ~ every single moment I could. I knew I didn't have much time left.

My girl.

One of the greatest loves of my life.

This was our last picture together. We were about to say goodbye.

Missing my baby.

Every night was more like a nightmare without her.

My sweet friends had this painted as a surprise. I felt horrible, I burst into tears and couldn't even look at it. It has been in my closet ever since and I have been unable to look at it. I have been bawling my eyes out all month. So, through my tears, I took it out to take a picture and show you.

Thank you Summer and Allison. One day it will be proudly displayed in our home. Thank you for understanding me...understanding this freak of a girl. I love you both!