Outside Looking In

I would like to start by saying, if Blogger had a neck, I would wrap my hands firmly around and choke it out!!!!! 


OK, now back to our regularly scheduled program.......


etched

transitive verb

1. to depict or impress sharply and distinctly

in·grained
  adjective

1. 
   
   
   
   
   
   1. worked into the fiber
   2. firmly fixed or established
   
   
   Sometimes definitions are the only way I can fully describe the way I feel.
   
   
   I have had a really rough last few days. I feel like some sort of machine is sucking me in. I am trying to run the other way, but the sheer force is slowly, but surely absorbing all of me.
   
   
   I can kind of pinpoint the beginning of my downward spiral, but not entirely. There is so much more to it than just this.
   
   
   My brother, Dave, Aviana, Zander, Kama and I went to the park on Saturday. Seems like a nice plan, right? We usually take Aviana and Kama on a walk, but decided to play "Chuck It" with the dogs instead.
   
   
   I picked up Aviana's wheelchair at the beginning of January and have seen her in it, oh maybe one million times. This time was different.
   
   
   We had positioned her on the walkway, just on the edge of the field, so she could watch the dogs chase the ball.
   
   
   She looked adorable. Cute little outfit, Hello Kitty hat, pink sunglasses, etc.
   
   
   I wandered off about 10 feet down the sidewalk and when I turned back, I snapped a picture with my mind. Until I breathe my last breath, this single image will be permanently etched into my brain.
   
   
   Beautiful Avi, strapped, right smack in the middle of all of the twisted, monstrosity of metal, also known as a wheelchair.
   
   
   With each step closer, visions of her as she used to be, advanced.
   
   
   We would throw the ball, and her and Kama would frantically chase after it. Kama would continue. Once Avi realized she was no match in speed, she would immediately turn into a drunken sailor. Giggling and running in circles all around the field. As Kama would make her way back, Avi would run full force at her. They would collide and Avi would happily fall to the ground. Only to get up and do it all over again.
   
   
   Now, she sits at the edge of the grass, unable to smile, giggle, laugh, run, anything. She sits in her contraption and watches Kama and Zander run like crazy.....only to continue sitting there.
   
   
   How must that feel? What must she think?
   
   
   I sure know how I feel and I sure as hell know what I think.
   
   
   Does she hurt like I do?
   
   
   I say a silent prayer that she doesn't, yet does.
   
   
   Does, only in order to motivate her to get better!

Away to PA

I am so excited. Last night we booked our follow up trip to Pennsylvania. We will be going back for 6 days. There will be 2 days of lecture and the remaining days will be spent re-evaluating Aviana and devising a new plan of attack.

I was telling my friend Ellen of our plans and she pointed out that we would be arriving on a holiday weekend. I suppose I shouldn’t have been shocked in the least that The Institute does not take holidays off.

I thank God for them and their unbelievable dedication to all brain injured children. They are a true gift to this world!

There are only a few places in the world that I would rather live.

#1 Lake Tahoe

#2 Oregon

#3 Pennsylvania

Every which way we looked, there was beauty!

This is Chestnut Hill and is the cutest little town! It is close to The Institute.

I would love to take my baby girl to a vet that looked like this.

I took this picture WAY to close up, but it was one of the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen.

I almost knocked on the door to let them know I would be moving in :o)

Patience Redefined

What’s it like? Let me attempt to tell you:


It’s like watching paint dry. 


Inaccurate. 




It’s like watching water boil. 


Wrong.




It’s like growing your hair out after you hacked it off. 


Incorrect.




It’s a snail's pace. 


Not so.




It’s like watching grass grow.


No. 




Truth be told-


Paint is completely dry within about 6 hours.


In a pot, water boils in about 11 minutes and in the microwave, in about 3 minutes.


Hair grows back at a rate of about a half-inch per month.


A snail may be slow, but it is crawling and it does get to its destination. 


Grass grows pretty damn fast, especially in spring and fall. Just ask the person who has to cut it every week. I bet they would beg to differ with that saying!


Dave and I are of the same mindset, if you want a true dose of patience: 


Try to watch your brain-injured child attempt some sort of recovery.


There you have it. The bona fide saying that should be thrown around in relation to patience.  




All other sayings were coined with the impatient person still in mind! 


Happy Friday All, 


Jen 
aka recovering highly impatient person 


P.S. Can you tell I finished adding all the spacing back into my blog. Truth of the matter~ in re-reading the blog, something was glaringly obvious~ there has been barely any physical changes since September or so. The facts are the facts! 


Sorry to be such a bummer on this beautiful Friday afternoon!


Oh by the way, if there is anyone out there who might be able to help me with Blogger, I would truly appreciate it. I don't know what is going on, but my spacing is way off, everything is wrong and it takes ages to get anything to look semi-decent. Something is broken and it is driving me bonkers!!!!

Green Evader

St. Patrick's Day ritual:

~ Go to bed thinking of what green outfit Aviana and I will be wearing for the occasion.

~ Wake up and put the well planned out green ensemble on.

I live for all holidays, this one is no exception. This year I feel I have lost a piece of myself. I did not plan our outfits and I am not wearing green! What is the St. Patty's Day equivalent of Bah Humbug....I don't know, but insert that here _____________!

I think it has something to do with this:

She had her own idea about the outfit, she thought my socks were the perfect finishing touch!

 

Geez, it's just a color right?  Get over it! It has nothing to do with the little girl or Zoe the cat!

Dear Blogger-

What happened to you?  Where are you hiding?  You were such a great friend and then you had to go and change. I can clearly see what has happened to you.  You thought that you could transform into this new and improved version of yourself. You thought that people would like you better.  It’s a common thing that happens, I have been witness to this occurrence many, many times before.

I have but no choice to be completely honest and up front with you.  I don’t like the new you. You are not friendly anymore and cause me more heartache than I can handle. I know you know what I am going through. Can’t you see that you causing me more problems is just about all I can take.

You used to be a friend that I could come to almost daily. I could tell you my deepest, darkest secrets. I shouldn’t act as though it has been all gloom and doom.  We have also shared in a few laughs together.  You were there for me. You helped me to be the best I could be, given my current situation. 

Did I hurt you?  Are my conversations too deep for you?  Are you trying to cause enough problems, hoping that I will tire of them and leave?

You are slowly, but surely pulling yourself away from me. I have to spend so much time (that I don’t have) finding the old you again. I am in a constant battle between the old you and the new you. Don’t you think I am dealing with this enough with Aviana?

Bottom line: you are making a mockery of me.  I am trying to bare my soul, to purge all of these deep feelings, and what you are doing is downright frustrating! 

Are you trying to test my patience too, is Aviana not enough?  Are you trying to tell me that I don’t have to have perfect lines and spacing?  Are you trying to tell me that I should just be “ok” with it and let it go?  Are you trying to enlighten me in the art of letting the small crap roll right off?

Well, I’ll have you know, I’m putting a product out for others to read and I am sick and tired of you skewing things and making my sometimes intense thoughts appear in poor form.

I have tried to have an intervention with you, but the others closest to you are unreachable. Sadly, they are not available by any means: e-mail, phone, in writing or any other way possible. I suppose they too, don’t really care.

You are not just hurting me, but taking everyone down with you!  I have learned this the hard way, but you can’t help those who don’t want to be helped. I am sorry to have to say this, but if you keep this shit up….I will be forced to take my friendship elsewhere, to share my innermost self with someone else.

Jen 

I Still Miss You

Although I am so in love with my new little girl, I still and will always miss my baby of yesteryear. 

Lyrics....they take hold of me every time!

I've talked to friends

talked to myself

talked to God

I prayed liked hell, but I still miss you

I've tried sober, I've tried drinking

I've been strong and I've been weak

and I still miss you

I've done everything, move on like I'm supposed to

I still miss you

I still miss you baby

I never knew til you were gone

how many pages you were on

it never ends, I keep turning them

line after line, you're there again

I dont know how to let you go

you're so deep down in my soul

I feel helpless so hopeless

its a door that never closes

no I don't know how to do this


  I still miss you

I still miss you

~ Keith Anderson

Rarely Vertical

Today we had to put Aviana's braces on and take some pictures to send to The Institutes. We stood her up and were pleasantly surprised by how well she looked in the standing position. She did a great job holding her head up!

With our assistance, (meaning holding her up and also moving each of her legs) we walked her around the house a little. She was pushing through her legs really well. She enjoyed it....and so did we.

I can't believe how tall she has gotten. She was always such a tiny, little munchkin before!

Friday I'm in Love

I thought Aviana looked cold, so I grabbed Dave's sweatshirt (which I stole about 11 years ago) and threw it across her. I went into the kitchen for a second and came back to this. I had no idea I had draped it across her like that. I couldn't stop laughing :o)

Simple Twist of Fate

A reoccurring thought used to visit me on a daily basis. Can you imagine having an unwanted visitor in your house every single day! I so wanted this visitor to leave, but my simple wish was not granted….at that time!

I used to think,

if the timing could have been just slightly off,

if we had just started the process at a different time,

if maybe even we hadn’t decided to adopt at all,

or maybe even not had kids at all.

If only,

if only,

if only,

this sweet, beautiful, kind hearted beauty was not chosen for me.

With a heavy heart, I knew deep down, that this girl was not for me. And I, was definitely not for her. The thought would come crashing down and feel like a lightening bolt had just struck my very soul.

I would say to myself, “This sweet little girl was strategically dropped into the wrong family.” Not because of Dave, not because of my mom and Gary, and certainly not because of anyone else in my family.

Plain and simply because of me!

I would look at her and think she deserved so much more than I could offer. Let's face it, I was home with her all day, and I felt like there were a million better places she could be.

This era of my life was the single most difficult time. I know that sounds strange, but if you have been reading along, I know I have gone into great detail.

Aviana was always the best child. I was nothing like I had hoped, imagined, or dreamed of being toward her.

I'd like to quickly point something out, I was not being hard on myself. When I went to counseling over it, her answer was, “Just put the bat down, stop beating yourself up.” I assure you, this was not the case. Think about a time when you knew something was very wrong. You knew it. You intrinsically know when something is missing, and missing it was! I am just being honest, not hard on myself.

That being said, my unwanted guest officially left the building in approximately August of last year. After hanging around, against my will, for approximately 2 full years, he finally vanished into thin air. I couldn’t be happier about his demise.

All I ever wanted, is right in front of me. I am eternally grateful that someone knew better than I. I am forever thankful that out of all of the families in the world, “we” were blessed beyond measure to have this beautiful girl placed with us!

My days are now filled with looking at her and knowing, without a doubt, that if what happened to her, was destined to happen, then we are both right where we need and want to be!

It's All the Rave...

in the world of brain-injury, that is! When you have to mask her from morning until night, this is what often happens throughout the day!

Hidden Beauty

To my great surprise, my friend Ellen, who lives in Philadelphia, sent me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers the other day.  I honestly can't stop looking at them, they are ever changing and I am enjoying each moment.

The flowers were perfect, but what was even more perfect, was the card.  She sent them after reading my, "30 Days Clean" post.  The little card read:

 30 Tulips

for 30 Days!

Ellen

Don't tell her, (my brain) but while up on the ladder, I did catch a glimpse I never would have, had the raspberry/coconut milk concoction not found its way to the ceiling.  As I looked down from the ladder, the sight actually took my breath away.  The flowers, from the hovering above them location, were gorgeous.

Thank you Ellen :o)

She's Out of Her Mind

I silently, yet angrily think to myself, "where the heck did I leave her this morning?" I obviously must've gotten up and left her on the nightstand. I go back to check, she’s not there. I again think to myself, “I know she likes to run and hide. I know she likes to go to far off places, which forces me to search.” Does she think this is funny, because last time I checked, I’m not laughing? I need her, especially today. Truth be told, she's in desperate need….daily.

We’ve had this talk before, many times. I can’t do this without her. I need her, and I need all of her. I am so tired of the half-assed job she's been doing lately. Today is yet another day, which proves my point.

We have already had many discussions about my having to let her go. I have even gone so far as to let her know of my interest in a new hire, one that can do a much better job. One that can help me avoid the pitfalls, which she has lead me to.

She always begs, she pleads. “Don’t let me go, I promise to do better. Think it over. Give me another chance. I've been with you your entire life. When the going gets tough, please, don’t just toss me out like yesterday’s trash!”

After searching high and low, I finally found her. After all her past begging, can you believe where she was? Still snuggled up in bed, with the covers pulled high over her head. She was peacefully resting right next to Kama, but hiding under the covers, from me. She's a sneaky one!

When I saw the lump in the bed, steam started from my ears. I ripped the covers back and grilled her without one ounce of hesitation. “What are you doing? Why are you still in bed? Do you have any idea how much I needed you this morning? Aren’t you aware that we are on a time crunch when Avi has a doctor appointment?” I am livid.

In a weepy, weary almost inaudible voice she whispers, “You have no idea how tired I am. I went to bed late, all thanks to your brother and that Butch Walker guy." I brace myself, as I'm about to be steamrolled by excuse after excuse. "I then was up all night with Kama and Aviana. If it wasn’t one, it was the other. I was only planning on sleeping a few more hours anyway.”

As she rambles on and on, all I could think about was the pink stains on the 13-FOOT kitchen ceiling. All I could think about was yet another geyser. Had she been there with me, this never would have happened.  Although I just experienced it, I am visualizing the stream of Aviana's raspberry snack, shooting into the air and coming down all over everything: the plant, the counters, the floor, me, the beautiful new flowers that my dear friend Ellen sent, everywhere.

All I could think was how I was in a huge hurry, and instead of styling Avi’s hair into the the latest and greatest, I had to scale cabinets and countertops as though within one split second I'd transformed into an orangutan. I was desperately trying to will myself 5 feet taller while stretching every ounce of my being toward the ceiling; it was WAY out of my reach. I begrudgingly went and got the ladder from the garage.

I instantly knew that on a ceiling pink=bad. As I climbed to the very top of the ladder, I couldn’t help but wonder where the hell she had gone. I sat at the top with a handful of towels and realized, “If she were here, she could tell me whether I should use a wet or dry towel. Do I use both? Wet then dry? Or vice versa? Do I dab or rub? How do I proceed without causing more damage? Is there anyway possible to avoid having to re-paint the entire ceiling, which (lucky for me) extends throughout the family, living and dining room.”

Without her, I did the best I could and that proved to be, 'not good enough!'

Now my ceiling has smeared and varying shades of purple on it. Oh the beauty. I keep telling myself not to look up, but my defiant head turns skyward every chance it gets.

She tells me I can color match the paint and fix it. I ask her if she happens to remember 4 years ago when I tried to color match the ceiling in Dave's closet to no avail. She has such a bad memory, and had conveniently forgotton.

My brain says she's sorry for abandoning me, yet again. I accept her apology, as I'm well aware of the fact that we are all under tremendous stress. I am well aware of just how tired we all are, and how badly we all deserve to stay under the covers...snuggled up to the best pup on earth.

With open arms, I welcome her back.

Deep down, we both know how much we really do need each other!

Out in Space

Do you remember all of the crazy spacing problems I was having? Well, just when I thought they were fixed, I recently realized......they're back!  And back with a vengeance!

I stumbled upon one of my "quasi older" posts and to my horror, discovered that ALL, every single one, of my old posts had lost their spaces. Nowhere to be found.  Spaces, out in space.  Gone.

I have had the great pleasure of going back and fixing approximately 286 posts.

Can you imagine, coming across someone's blog and finding that this poor person doesn't know there is a "return" button secretly hiding within the keyboard?  Just a mountainous cluster of words, all running together, without end.  The thought makes me cringe.

This has been eating me alive. I have been spending way too much time trying to repair the damaged entries. This is the answer as to where I have been hiding in my abundance of free time!

With this "loss of space" I have had the arduous task of re-reading my entire blog.  I am forced, because of my great desire to "fix" my blog. In re-visiting my past, I have found myself experiencing an enormous range of emotions.  I am truly all over the place within a few posts.

If I weren't so strongly connected to the material, I would have simply reverted back to my college days and pulled an all nighter. The result would have been a beautifully spaced blog by sunrise.

Due to the material, it's just not possible, and I have had the hardest time accepting it.

Pretty lame right? In the grand scheme of my life and surrounding events, how is it that I can be so frustrated about spaces occupying such a long stretch of time?

I know....sad, but true.