Wednesday, October 26, 2016

The One I Love

Not long ago, Dave came home and said he had a song to play for me. The song was us. And she and me. As tears spilled, Dave asked if the song made me sad. No, the song is much more than sad. It feels like our story. Don't you love that about music?

During the song, a memory flashed. One I'd forgotten. Not too long before the accident, we took Aviana to our friend's birthday party. Avi was happiest surrounded by food and people, so a big Mexican get together with homemade tamales, refried beans, and Spanish rice had her by the heart. As usual, she was all smiles while being fed and passed from one grinning guest to the next.

When she made her first loop, I pulled her into my arms and onto the dance floor. We spun rounds and dipped dips. On the party crowded floor, it felt like she and me only. And in the song, she and me again.

Listening a couple times without crying took months. But today, on the day I closed my eyes and watched her go...who knows.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Dear Diary

There was a time I couldn't speak, but to you I could.

Back and forth I'd go, home and to the seven-floor building.

Stuffed and stored,

To you, I'd empty my day.

While most slept, you were awake for how alone, but alive I felt.

You understood how both could exist in the same breath.

You held my hand through the worst,

And smiled at our best.

But then we lost her.

And I clung.

"If she's okay, then I am too."

But that only carried me so far.

And losing her became losing her again.

I wondered how both could exist in the same breath.

I was full of words,

Yet none at all.

I tired of my own voice,

So I lost it.

And myself too.

To figure my life out,

I turned in.

While my nephew was recently back in Portugal I said,

"Sometimes you have to go away to find yourself, Ash."


Funny how when talking to him or students,

I'm often speaking to myself.

Yes, I had to go away.

Have I found myself?

More than before,

But still taking each day as it comes.

My Dearest Diary,

I've missed you.

How are things, love?