The sole reason this blog was created was to provide a mass update on Aviana while she was fighting for her life. Providing this information, multiple times, over multiple days, was just too painful. As time pressed on, and Aviana was going to make it, the coarse of the blog changed, and so did the title.
I carefully selected the new title of this blog. I decided on, "The Long and Winding Road" for a number of reasons, but most importantly, because this story is about us as a family. Yes, Aviana is the star of the show, but we are her supporting cast, and we have a story to tell, too. I have chosen for our story to include every dynamic. Whether it be about Dave, and me. Rainey, and Aviana. Dave, and Aviana. Or Kama, and me. This is our family. We have all suffered a great loss. We are all grieving. We are all trying to make the best of a horrible situation. We try hard to keep our sense of humor. We also try to have as much fun as possible, as we go through this. This is what our life is like...all of it.
I try to be as real as I possibly can. I share a great deal, but of course, there are some things I keep to myself. As far as the things I choose to share, I do my absolute best to stay as true, and honest as I possibly can.
Some people are bothered by this. I want to be crystal clear here, I have never once gotten a hurtful comment on this blog, and for that I am thankful, but with some family members, it can be a completely different story.
Some of my family is very uncomfortable with what I share, as they come from the, "sweep it under the rug, and act like everything is okay," "don't air your dirty laundry," or the "holier than thou," mentality. I couldn't be further from that way of thinking if I tried.
I feel that belief doesn't help anyone. Putting on a false front is just that....false. It is not true, unrealistic, and doesn't help.
I have to say, I think it would make for a boring story if I just stopped by here, and said, "Aviana is doing good. She is eating well, and we are going to Philadelphia again soon." When I stumble upon a story of that sort, I quickly move on. I know there are many blogs out there, and they all serve a different purpose, but I am left wanting to know, "What is this
really like for you? How does this make you
feel? How are you able to overcome this?" I am constantly wanting to be better, gain insight, and think in ways I may have never before. That's just me though. I latch on to
those sort of stories.
My blog is just that....it is mine! I am not selfish about many things, but this is one area where I am very selfish. I feel I have had to defend my writing to many attacks. Please know, never by anyone that comments, but by many others.
In the beginning, I heard this...
"You shouldn't be so excited, and hopeful. Look at her. I have no idea what you are talking about on your blog."
Really?? Really?? Don't be excited, and hopeful? Well guess what, that's all we've got...hope!! Without it, we are dead in the water!
I have also heard all of this....
"You shouldn't swear on your blog."
I have told you all, I swear, and trust me, I don't like it. I think it sounds trashy, and I have been working on it. But guess what, that is a part of me, and while I don't think this is the forum for cuss words. I can't help it sometimes. I think I have used a total of three cuss words in 604 posts, and I have to hear about it. These words were warranted. When I used these words, there was no better word for my complete and utter frustration. As you can see from my minimal use, I choose my words carefully, and if you are to get offended by three words in 604 posts, then maybe my blog is not for you.
"You need to learn to put Aviana first in your life."
Seriously? Are you being real when you say this? Last time I checked, we have devoted every last ounce of ourselves to Aviana. Last time I checked, everything we do, has her at the forefront of our minds. Last time I checked, I think we had traveled back and forth FOUR times across the country. We only have implemented and are pulling off one of the hugest recovery feats in the world. I do feel that Dave, and my health, and well being suffers due to our constant focus on everything Aviana. We surely don't do exactly what is right for ourselves. I know this is an area we need to work on more, actually putting ourselves first, and moving Aviana down the totem pole a little.
"Maybe you shouldn't write when you are having a really bad day."
Doesn't that defeat the entire purpose of this blog? Doesn't that have a way of telling a slanted story. If I wrote on only good days, will anyone really have an understanding of what this is like? And most importantly, if someone is reading who has experienced some sort of grief, and loss, doesn't that half story make them feel more isolated and alone? I choose to tell my story as a whole. I choose to tell you about the ups and downs, because there are many. How can there not be?
"You sound like a crazy person on your blog. You are all over the place."
Yes, you are right, but can you blame me? For 34 years, I lead a pretty normal, happy, steady life. I was pretty even keel, with maybe a few blips, here and there, on the radar. Throw in the magnitude of what has happened in the past 2 years, and I have to say, I truly am on the rollarcoaster of my life. I am up, down, and all around. I am laughing one minute, and just might be crying the next. SO sue me for showing emotion. Sue me for being open and honest about what this is like! Sue me for thinking that by telling my story, I just might help someone to feel, that what they are experiencing in their own life, is okay.
I have been asked many times before, if I am on anti-depressents? If you too, are wondering, the answer is no, and it is not because I think there is anything wrong with them. For me, I haven't felt the need to ever take them, but believe me, if the time comes, and I feel I need them, I will be first in line.
"You say you pray to God on your blog all the time. We were wondering why you pray to God, and not Jesus? How are you going to feel when Dave and Aviana are in heaven, and you are in hell. Do you know you have many people praying for your family? Do you even appreciate it?"
WOW! This one really blew my socks off. This conversation went further into personal attacks of me as a child growing up. I can handle all of that just fine, but once my mom was attacked for the way she raised me, all hell broke loose. You don't EVER attack my mom, to my face. EVER!!!
There is so much to say on this front, but I will leave it at this....I truly appreciate every single prayer, from everyone of you! I think you know it, but just wanted to make sure :o)
"You talk about Kama and Rainey too much."
I fully understand if you are not a dog person, and have no interest in seeing pictures, or hearing stories of our dogs. Like every story, you can always skip the parts you don't like, and move on to the ones that pertain to you, or that just might help you in some way.
Everyone has their thing. The thing they love most in the world. The thing that has a way of taking all of their problems away. The thing that makes you feel most alive. The thing that you can do, and the world has a way of falling aside. The thing that makes it all better. It is different for everyone. For some it is their kids, or painting, or a place, etc. For me, it is my dogs. My relationship with my dogs is without end. I love them with every single fiber of my being. I treat them as my most prized possession. I guard them, and protect them like no other. And, I share them. How could I not? They are a blessing, and have helped me through this journey in a way nothing else has.
"It was inappropriate to include your "List" on here."
Maybe so, but I started 'More About You Monday' to mainly get to know you better, and of course, to have some fun sometimes. The subject matter of this blog is, for the most part, pretty heavy. Dave and I deal with the hardest, and heaviest of situations every second, of every day. In order to keep our sanity, we laugh, joke, and try to have as much fun as we can. We do our best to make our situation as light as possible. If we didn't, we would surely be divorced, unhappy, fighting, or dead on the floor. We choose the alternative.
Dave, and I have laughed about our list so many times over the past years, and we had fun compiling all of the pictures, and details for those posts. Moments like that, give us the opportunity to escape, and be entertained for a little while.
"Boy Jen - I thought you have no time because you are so busy with Aviana. Have fun in Tahoe today."
My counselor has actually given me homework of overnight trips, of which I rarely have ever done. This was one of the very rare times, I was able to pull myself away for less than 24 hours, and this is the text I received on my way to Tahoe. Speechless...I was rendered speechless, while at the very same time, my head was about to blow. Who does that? What kind of creep says things like that?? Just to let you know, that was just the tip of the iceberg with that individual ;o(
I have a terrible memory, so these are the only ones that have really hurt, or just kind of made me tilt my head sideways, and think maybe some further explanation of my actions might be nice. As I have told you before, it takes a great deal for me to be offended, so I am sure many other things have been said, and just slid right off.
Geez! From all of the things people have said to me, you would think I am a horrible person! To all of the people who have said the above things to my face, I have plainly and simply said, time and again, "If you don't like what I have to say, don't read it!"
I thought this would all go without say, but over the coarse of time, I have felt the need to explain myself. My intent is to respect others, be kind, share fully, and through our experience try my best to help in any way possible. I am well aware of the fact that you can't please all the people, all the time, but I just feel compelled to explain myself. I am not asking everyone to agree with everything I write, that is not possible. I am just asking that you look at my overall intent, and know that my heart is good, and I am not ever trying to upset, or hurt anyone.
I am making the best of, and doing the best I possibly can in our situation, and definitely don't deserve some of the things that have been said to me. I feel like my plate is already overflowing, so adding all these crappy comments on top, makes me seriously question how I am still standing? ;o(
Over time, I have finally been pushed to the feeling of needing to defend, and explain myself though. Again, please know I have never once received a rude, or hurtful comment on here. I have heard of so many people getting awful comments, and luckily, you have all been loving, supportive, helpful, and compassionate. I thank you for that.