Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Somewhat Prepared

Caution, caution, caution: This is going to be a long one, and may be ALL over the board!! Up until about 7 years ago, I could not look at blood, see anything on TV that was gross and of course nothing gross in real life.

One of my all time favorite channels is Discovery Health. Back then, I was having a hard time watching this channel. I found it annoying to be watching a story, and continually have to look away or cover my eyes. One day, they were showing brain surgery. I forced myself to watch it and every time I wanted to look away, I chose not to. After forcing myself that one day, I have been able to watch EVERYTHING since.

My favorite shows on Discovery Health are Dr. G Medical Examiner and Mystery Diagnosis. These two shows have armed me with numerous medical terms and conditions. Also with the reality of what needs to be done at times. I am so thankful for having watched these shows as I would never have been able to handle what the doctors were explaining in regard to removing her skull and letting her brain expand. I would never have been able to see my baby with 5000 staples in her head, blood in her hair, hooked up to a hundred machines with a thousand tubes, etc.

I am also an avid Oprah show watcher. Aviana sees her face and excitedly says "Mommy...Oprah!" She has helped me in ways I cannot begin to fully comprehend. She has continually helped and aided my spirit along. Through watching her, and her guests.....I strive to be a better person daily....a stronger person.

In the last year and a half, stories of death and dying have attracted me more than ever. At times I feel slightly morbid. I quickly realize it is not being morbid, it is seeing strength in people. In turn, I have tried to draw strength and appreciate life.

I had never listened to one note of country music until I was 30. I wouldn't have it, and wouldn't hear of it. My brother Jeff (who felt the same way I felt) started trying to talk me into some. I thought he had turned on me, betrayed me in a way, I thought we were the same (just kidding, I'm being dramatic) :)

I turned out to be a freak, and left him in the dust with his handful of country artists. One day, Gary Allan appeared on the screen and I was mesmerized, almost hypnotized. I have only felt this way about a few artists (and I LOVE music.) I had to get every song and know everything about him. Where had he been? Why hadn't I seen him? After all, I had been keeping up with country music for maybe a couple years by then. Why did he look oddly familiar? I jumped on the computer and realized I had seen him on Oprah. His dear wife had committed suicide. I lost myself in his music, drew strength from his lyrics, voice, everything.

He happens to be one of Aviana's favorite artists of all time (him and Butch Walker.) She can hear just one note of ANY song, and say, "Mommy, Gary Allan (or Butch Walker)." Anyway, back to the walk on the dark/light side (whichever way you see it.) I became consumed with Randy Pausch (who fought pancreatic cancer- author of the "Last Lecture"), then with Matt Logelin (who lost his beautiful wife just 27 short hours after she had given birth to their sweet Madeline. Through Matt, I was lead to Always Remember, One Note Short, The Price of Love and most recently, The Spohrs Are Multiplying.

All of these shows, artists, lyrics and blogs were perfectly put in place for me. I feel blessed beyond belief to have some aces to pull from my sleeve at different times of the day!


  1. Yes~
    I know of which you speak of. I never thought country would enter my life either. But to my Pleasant Surprise it has found a space in my music likes. Especially fond of the Rascal Flats song "My Wish". Avi & I danced to it on my last visit. I remember you telling me how much meaning the song had for you and your Hopes & Dreams for Avi. It's funny after that day every time I hear that song I feel the exact same way. :)

  2. I found your blog through a comment left on the Spohrs are Multiplying, which I found through Matt's! The web world is as small and amazing as it is huge.

    I have your daughter and entire family in my thoughts and prayers from across the country.

    JY in CT