Shut Up Train

I have always been a night owl, Hoot Hoot, but in all honesty, I would really appreciate some sleep lately.  For the life of me, I cannot catch a break. 

I wander the halls. I cry. I clean. I organize. I blog. I watch TV. I cry. I do anything I can to try to... 

Distract. 

Distract. 

Distract.

I feel so lost and lonely. The hole where my heart used to be is widened with each passing night.

Once I finally fall asleep around 4am, I am awakened by Dave getting ready for work.  I then, once again, cannot go back to sleep, as I start where I had just left off a few hours prior. Missing my baby.

Below is one of my very favorite songs, and these days, it mirrors my life all too much! 

Shut up train I'm trying to sleep
Can't you show me a little sympathy
This is the only time I can get any peace
So shut up train I'm tryin to sleep

Every time the front door shakes
Every time I hear the breaks
And that long whistle cryin through the night
I'm reminded of the way I feel
Just like that cold black steel
Gettin crushed by your wheels tonight
I don't need no more pain so shut up train

I hope you're happy now I am wide awake
Now I gotta deal with every ounce of this heartache
Why your moving on I'm stuck in this place
It's all your fault so shut up train

Every time the front door shakes
Every time I hear the breaks
And that long whistle cryin through the night
I'm reminded of the way I feel

Just like that cold black steal
Gettin crushed by your wheels tonight
I can't take no more pain so shut up train

Shut up train stop rubbin it in
You've made your point
I gave up you win
You win

You're all the noise all the pain every night same ole thing

Why don't you shut up train go on shut up train

I give up I give in raise a flag let you in

Why don't you shut up train go on and shut up train

Oh shut up train


Shut up train

No Regrets

For all of Kama's life, I have had a slight addiction to the vet. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to. Dave always thought my hunches were just that. Time and again, the poor guy was proven wrong.

I knew my baby girl like no other. 

Once I realized she was very sick, I decided to treat her as though she were going to die. I was to now treat her as though she only had minutes, hours, or days to live.

After about 5-6 hours of this, I came to a realization.

There was no difference.

For her entire life, I treated her as if there were no tomorrow.

I loved her like no other. I shared every moment with her, as you may remember from my Kama post. I felt the truest, purest form of love with her that I have ever experienced.

Yes, I love my family as wide as the ocean is deep, but as for the truest, purest form of love, I often question if I am only capable of having that with a doggie?

Kama was the best to me, and most of all, she brought out the best in me.

Throughout my entire life, I have sometimes been hurtful to a family member or even a friend. Human relationships can sometimes be so complicated. Every moment with Kama was never ending bliss. I appreciated every second like it was our last, and for that I will forever be grateful.

 With no regrets

And piece of mind

Lived so much in so little time

I’m so glad when she was here

She was mine

From the day we met

To the night she left

I loved her

No regrets

Well time and fate can't be controlled

You play the hand that you’re dealt

And the dice that you rolled

And who am I to question God anyway

Well these days when I look back

I know I’m blessed have been loved like that

I still miss her everyday

With no regrets

And piece of mind

Lived so much in so little time

I’m so glad when she was here

She was mine

From the day we met

To the night she left

I loved her

No regrets

From the day we met

To the night she left

I loved her

No regrets

No regrets

I loved her

With no regrets

~ Gary Allan

Kiss Goodbye

With our upcoming trip to Pennsylvania, Dave and I had agreed I would stay home, and care for Kama, and he, and my family would handle the trip themselves. I knew we were nearing the end, and I could not stand to think of Kama being cared for by anyone, but me.

I wanted to spend every moment with her. I wanted to be the first she saw in the morning, and the last she saw when she closed her eyes. I wanted to make any, and all decisions for her. I was the only one who truly knew the signs, and symptoms to look for. No one on this earth knew her better than I. Most importantly, she had been with me through every difficult situation I had faced, and I wanted to be there for her....until her last breath.

Deep in my heart of hearts, I knew she wasn't going to make it until then.  After she came home from her latest trip from the vet, she seemed good, but still would not have a bite to eat.

She stayed with me every moment I was sick. We spent hours upon hours smashed together. I know her like the back of my hand, every breath, every movement, everything. I started to notice that once again, things were going south in the middle of the night. She became restless. I was basically up all night doing my best to make sure she found comfort. The most relief she found was wedged tightly between Dave and I.

She still refused to eat in the morning. I began to notice her back leg slowly shaking. I knew this was it. I called Dave and told him it was time. He said when he saw my number come up, he knew.

We got her in as soon as possible. We made sure everything was perfect. We did not want her to ever see the interior of a vet office again.

We laid her blanket out on a beautiful grassy area. Pillows were always her favorite, so we brought one of her many. She quickly rested her head upon it. Dave and I circled our bodies closly around her.

As she peacefully went to sleep, we loved on her, and whispered the sweetest words.

After she had gone, we spent a little more time with her.

We then said our final goodbye.

Tough All Over

My thoughts....exactly.

Things are tough all over
And I'm losin' badly
I wish you were still here
And I say it sadly
Things are tough all over

Guess I should count my blessings
For the life I still have
In a world of misfortune
That can happen so fast

Like life size dominoes
One falls after another
Things are tough all over

~ Gary Allan

Thank you

I wanted to thank everyone who stopped by and commented today. I got about 2-3 hours of sleep last night, and once I woke, I was in tears.

Kama was everywhere today, on our bed, in one of her 3 beds, outside of my shower, in the therapy room, in the backyard, following me to the mailbox, there when I dropped a piece of food (gosh, it really sucks to have to pick up your own dropped food!!), under my desk, in Avi's room, etc, etc. I should have just explained it like this, she was every place I traveled throughout our house. I know all of you, who have lost a loved one, know this feeling all too well.

Needless to say, I left the moment I could, and did not return until I absolutely had to (just now....just kidding). My approach was, have car, will travel! Yes, I abandoned Aviana. I have a number of times in the past few weeks. I am so thankful for our nurses. They are the best.  I haven't even had a chance to introduce you to our newest ~ Lesya, but she has helped tremendously.

Thank you so much for all of your kind, heartfelt stories, poems, and comments. I truly appreciate each and every word in effort to soften this horrific blow. When most difficult to stand, you all carried me through my day.

You are loved,

Goodnight Sweetheart

Sleep tight wherever you are

God hold you in His arms while we're apart

Though you're far away

Your love will stay tucked away here in my heart.

Kama

November 16, 2002 ~ October 26, 2010

You showed me how I'm supposed to live,

and now you showed me how to die.

~Toby Keith

Death Bed

I went against my better judgement, and got the flu/whooping cough/tetanus shot. I had a headache for 3 days. This was a headache of different sorts, so much so, that not even three Imitrex shots could touch it.

Yesterday, I was glued to my bed, never to see the light of day. I could barely walk, talk, and definitely couldn't eat.  I have not been that sick in about 9 years.

Thank God we decided not to give Aviana this dreadful concoction.  Now, I am not saying for others it's a bad idea, it's just not a smart choice for our family.

My brother went and picked Kama up yesterday morning, and like the perfect companion, she stayed right by my side from sun up, to sun down.

My mom had to come over in the morning and take care of Aviana until Michelle got here at 12:30. I did not want to come into contact with Aviana, Michelle, or her unborn "La Fonda" for fear of getting them sick.

Today, I am still feeling like I got hit by a Mack Truck, but not half as bad as yesterday. I, once again, am keeping my distance from Aviana because Pennsylvania is quickly approaching.

Thank you Mom, Jeff & Michelle for coming to my rescue.

11th Hour

Long story, very short....

Kama started panting and shaking again yesterday morning. Her heart rate was out of control. I knew at that moment, we would be saying goodbye to our baby.

I called the vet, and talked to him. I explained that I couldn't bear to see her suffer, and set the appointment for 2:20 to put her to sleep. 

I told Dave I set the appointment, and he did not think we had tried hard enough. He felt very strongly about the fact that we had not given her enough of a chance. He called the vet back, and spoke with him. After hanging up, he wanted to take her back to the vet, and still proceed with one last round of Chemo next week.

I was severely upset, and felt sick to my stomach. I did not know what to do.  I am so sick of having to make life and death situations!! 

I decided to call my brother, as he has Kama's brother, and loves him like I love Kama.  I asked for his advice, and he agreed with Dave. He thought I was throwing in the towel too soon. He said miracles happen in the 11th hour all the time, and I need to put her through a little more of what she doesn't like to see what happens.

Dave & Jeff both said that after one more round, we will have peace of mind, but with letting her go now, we would not.

I was so torn. I agreed and we took her to the vet for more IV fluids. They said they were going to do a blood test to check her white blood cell count and to make sure the Chemo had worked. They were looking for improved kidney function. They said they would have the results within 2 hours. If she had not improved, we were going to drive up, and let her go.

Three hours later, we called and they said her white cell count went from 700 to over 13,000 (I think normal is 5000 or so) They also said her kidneys had improved slightly, and had not gotten worse. 

They said they did not think her reaction in the morning was due to the Chemo, but was from severe dehydration. They advised moving forward. 

I was indifferent. I did not know what to make of that information. All I could think was, are we just putting off the inevitable. 

I cried my eyes out from the time I woke up, until about 8pm. I had a terrible headache, and felt horrific.

Dave's parents had come over, as we could not get in touch with them to cancel our plans. They were coming over to watch Aviana because we were supposed to go to my cousins Halloween party. This party has been up in the air for quite some time, and obviously we decided there wasn't a chance in hell we were going.

My parents stopped by as well, and when I opened the door to let them out, and huge gust of wind blew in. The fresh air felt intoxicating. I immediately wanted to RUN out of my house, and never come back until Kama was home again.

Dave thought that because his parents were there anyway, and even though we were not in the mood for a party, we should go just to get out of our house. It had been such an exhausting, long, emotional day, so we decided to partake.

The party started at 7, and we got there at 10:15pm.  Thank goodness sunglasses were part of my costume because my eyes were all puffed out from crying so much. I feared I would be boo hooing all over the party. I honestly thought they would have to scrape me up of the floor, but it turns out....it was just what I needed. 

It was the perfect distraction. We had the best time from the second we stepped in to the moment we left at 2:30.

The vacancy upon walking in hit me like a brick wall.  All I could think was, "Back to life, back to reality, back to the here and now!"


I miss my baby girl tremendously, and just got a second blow, she is not coming home until tomorrow. I, once again, feel sick to my stomach! My fear is that my gut feeling was correct, but there are two parents making decisions for our beautiful baby....so I sure hope I am wrong.

OK, so I had intended for this to be a short story.

Thank you to Dave's parents for understanding our desperate need for fresh air, and staying until 2:45am, despite the fact that they had to be at church at 7:45am. We felt horrible, as we lost track of time, and had no idea they needed to be up so early.

I hope you enjoy the pictures. I thought if any picture was snapped, I would have a fake, plastic smile, but in those moments...they were true, real, and felt so great!

For those who aren't addicted to the 'train wreck' of a show Jersey Shore, we were the characters DJ Pauly D and JWOWW.

My cousin Erin, Dave and I.

I know this one may be a little too much for some of your taste, but we worked hard on these shorts, and I didn't want that work to go unnoticed =)

Kama

On December 23, 2002, we picked up the cutest little puppies. On that freezing winter night, we rescued her, and her brother, from the biting cold.

They were huddled together with 8 other litter mates in a dirty, muddy wood pile. They were shivering to death, and desperately trying to find warmth in each other.  They were only 5 1/2 weeks old, and were ours to take, as their mother had rejected them.

We had a really difficult time choosing, as we wanted to swoop them all up, and run. Dave had found something very special in one little puppy. Honestly, she wasn't too thrilled with me, but we took her anyway.  Thank goodness we did, because she ended up being one of the biggest blessings in my life.

Kama did not have a name for about a week. We could not come up with the perfect word to describe her.  Finally, we went to REI, and looked through a book on Lake Tahoe, as it is our favorite place on earth.  The book spoke of a flower, which grows in Tahoe called the "Camma Flower." This was the initial reason we decided to name her this.

The second reason was because of one of my favorite songs by Sammy Hagar.  He had written the most beautiful lyrics for his daughter Kama, and they too, described how I felt about our little puppy.

Lastly, the meaning of Kama in Sanskrit is love.

Kama will always be our first born, and there will never be another.

 

Today, love takes on a whole new meaning

In a face, I know I've seen somewhere before

And somehow, the mystery is over

Yet, just begun

To see the most perfect thing

Together, we've ever done

So what do we call this miracle we've made

And how can I find one word to say it

When all I'm feeling, here and now, is love

So that will always be you

Kama

Today, I just wrote a song about you

And the words, they flow just like the air I breathe

The closest I've ever been

To truly understanding

The closest we'll ever be

To the meaning of life so sacred

So what do we call this miracle we've made

And how can I find one word to say it

When all I'm feeling, here and now, is love

So that will always be you

Kama

And every language has a word

But the meaning is always the same

Love is all you've got, to start out in the world

And love is all that remains

So what do we call this miracle we've made

And how can I find one word to say it

When all I'm feeling, here and now, is love

So that will always be you

Kama

Narrowed

My world of shopping has had its fair share of ebbs and flows.

Take Target for example.

When I was younger, Target, in its entirety, was my playground. Not one sad, or bad thought ever clouded my mind. The entire store was an endless possibility for the present moment, as well as the future.

I passed the various sections with ease.

Home ~ I can't wait to purchase my 'real' home and decorate.

Animal ~ My dream was to get a dog almost as soon as a house. I couldn't wait for her to be my very own. I would spoil her with anything and everything.

Baby ~ I sure wasn't anywhere close to wanting a baby for a long time, but still I couldn't wait to purchase diapers, shampoo, teething rings, and such.

Toys ~ Christmas was huge in our house growing up, and I don't think I ever once walked by the toy section without reflecting on those memories. I wanted to recreate my childhood.

Things started off great....

Shopping for our new home.

Shopping for my cat Zoe, and then for Kama.

Then, life had its way with me.

Suddenly....

With every pass, the baby section just about killed me.

Once the baby section was resolved,

All seemed just about right in the world of Target.

Then, the accident,

Target was all wrong again.

The baby section.

The toy section.

Zoe died of cancer, and half the animal section became a sad state of affairs.

Now, Kama has cancer, and doesn't have much longer.  The dog section sucker punched me.  This particular section has become extraordinarily tumultuous.

What's next, the tupperware section??

As you may be able to tell, I was recently at Target, and couldn't help but notice how much the store has narrowed for me.

I have just about no use for so many sections.

Target is no longer my playground.

It is more of a land mine.

Our mall was taken over by a possible armed and dangerous, troubled person yesterday. He started my other distraction on fire.  While we were so sad for all involved, Dave thought it was a good thing for us....especially me!

I am officially out of business.

I suppose I will start crafting again.

Ungrateful

I can't help but feel completely ungrateful at times.  In the deepest depths of despair, I quickly lose focus of so many things...

Great Family

Parents, siblings, husband, majority of my family...still living.

Improving daughter.

Great home life.

Great health.

The best of friends.

Etc.

Etc.

Etc.

God ~ I'm not mad at you. I am just hurting to the umpteenth degree!!

Jaded

I am flat out jaded right now.

I can't help but feel the following to be true:

2. 5 is way too young for such a tragic event for Aviana.

13 is a little better, but still fairly young for a cat to die.

And almost 8 (November 16, 2002), but still technically 7 is WAY TOO YOUNG FOR A DOG!!

I have had enough, thank you!!!!

Couldn't you please have left Kama alone??????!!!!????????

Like Dominos

As of June 17, 2009 at 12:16pm, we were a perfectly healthy family of 5. Dave, Aviana, Kama, Zoe, and me. In 16 short months we have had to make the following life or death situations for our small family.

Aviana ~ Life.

Zoe ~ Death.

Kama ~ ?

I can't help but wonder,

Who's next?

I am well aware of how horrible that sounds, but I can't help but think about it....

Constantly!

I Fall to Pieces

Kama has been eating like crazy since Friday night. She eats anything, and everything. I have never loved to watch someone eat like this. In turn, I feed her all day long. I give her whatever her little heart desires. My baby wants chicken and eggs? My baby gets chicken and eggs!

She went in for her blood draw yesterday morning, and they all commented how different she was. Her pep was officially back in her step.

Something changed at about 4pm. I noticed she was more lethargic, and was not begging for food. I started to freak.  I watched her like a hawk. I, who has not one ounce of vet experience, told myself, she was fine, she was just due for her next Chemo treatment, and maybe this was just what happens.

She continued to get worse. She was panting, and panting. I gave her water. She panted some more. Suddenly, she started to look as though she were shivering. Then, her back leg started to shake. My heart was doing somersaults the entire time.

By this time, it was after hours. I remembered though that my vet had called me on his personal line (poor guy, I bet he never makes that mistake again ;o) one time, so the number was registered in my phone. I called him and left a message. I then called the emergency vet, which Kama used to regularly go to. They said to bring her in.

My doctor called me back, and had gotten her lab results in the mean time. He said he had good and bad news....I have been on the receiving end of this line much too often! The Chemo is working, but it took her white cells from 8000 to 700. He said this was most likely the reason she was doing so poorly. He advised I bring her to the emergency vet, and LEAVE HER all night on an antibiotic drip.

I was DEVASTATED. This is a dog that hates the vet with a passion, always has, always will. I have to drag her in the door, and then once in, she pulls me back to the exit, and opens it herself. This was somewhat cute to all involved when she was there for her shots, or other non life or death situations. Now, it is not cute in the least bit. It makes me want to crawl under a rock and die!

She not only opens doors, but she scales walls, climbs in my lap, shakes, pants, etc, etc.  Secondly, in her almost 8 years of life, I have NEVER stayed in this house without her....not once!!!  Needless to say, I was a basket case.

I got some Xanax after the accident with Avi, I felt this was the perfect time to drug myself into a complete and total slumber....and I did!! I never even noticed that my perfect bed companion was absent, until this morning. The waterworks were in full affect the moment I opened my eyes.

They called and said she is better, but they want to keep her another half day. I am so lonely without her, and can't imagine my life with her permanent absence.

She had gotten much better after her first round of Chemo, and I thought going in once a week for a quick blood draw, and then for her Chemo shots would be ok. But, in light of what happened last night, there is no way, no how, I will subject her to feeling that bad, and extended stays at the vet, the place she loathes most in the world.


Sadly, if things don't turn around for the better, I will let my baby go.....

Avi Ink.

So right after the accident Jen and I started talking about getting tattoos of Aviana's name.  We were both obviously very distraught and felt helpless. We wanted to do something that showed our devotion to her.  There was then a lot of uncertainty as to whether Aviana was even going to make it or not, and I started thinking, "Do I really want a constant reminder tattooed of my daughter who passed away so tragically.  Would that make the healing process more difficult?"

As Aviana improved, and it was obvious she was going to live through this, I started considering getting the tattoo again.  I did want to give it a little time to make sure that I wanted to do it, being that it is so permanent and all.  As I watched Avi working so hard every day on her therapy it just made me so proud of how determined she is and how much of a fighter she is.  I feel bad for her that while all other children her age are having fun everyday, she has to do hours upon hours of therapy. It is relentless.  Even when Jen and I get a break, she doesn't. There is someone filling in to make sure she stays on schedule.

It's because of this that I feel honored to have my baby girl's name on me for the rest of my life.  It's not only because she is my daughter and I love her.  It's to show how incredibly proud I am of her.  It is a reminder to me of what true hard work and determination is.

So based on a recommendation from a friend of ours, I went to Jennifer at Leonardi Tattoo.  I went in for my consultation and gave her a vague description of what I wanted.  I had a general idea but I could not come up with exactly what it would look like.  I left the design up to her artistic expertise.  Jennifer did an amazing job on the design.  Right when I saw the sketch, I absolutely loved it.  She surpassed my expectation of what the tattoo would look like.

I now have etched in my skin forever the beautiful name of a wonderful girl who I am so proud to call my daughter.

Dave

P.S. Jen is now asking when I am getting Kama's name tattooed on me.

P.S.S.  Thank you to everyone showing support for my other girl Kama.

Over the Moon

I wanted to start by saying.....

Thank You!

Thank You!

Thank You!

Thank You!

Thank You!

Thank You!

You all mean the world to me! I was at one of my darkest hours, and you came to my rescue! I honestly hung on your every word. I internalized all that you said, and want to thank you so very much for sharing all of your stories and experiences!  Forever grateful is what I will be :o)

I think all of our prayers were heard, because at 7:30pm last night, Kama started to eat again. Her eating was one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen.

She started off with lettuce, and then spun off into chicken, steak, eggs, and much , much more. She didn't eat a ton, but any was good enough for me. After weeks of not eating, I wasn't surprised by her nibbling here and there.

Today, she ate half a waffle, an apple, tons of lunch meat, carrots, potatoes, cheese, yogurt, more lettuce, her treats, and more.

We were offering her some food about every 1-2 hours.  She would stop when she had had enough.

I told Dave I don't mind being her short order chef for eternity.

Her spirits seem to be up, and I couldn't be happier.

I have no idea what the next round of Chemo will bring, but for now, I am just going to enjoy every moment of what we experiencing.

See this smile on my face? YOU and KAMA put it there.

Thank You!

Thank You!

Thank You!

Thank You!

Thank You!

Thank You!

Broken Down

I feel confident in saying, this post is going to be a mess. My forecast for today is ~ scattered showers of tears, nonsensical hail storms, accompanied by lightening strikes of complete, and total reality!  Please stick with me, as I need your help, and advice more than ever!

I have been walking around in a fog for the past week. I wax and wane from total numbness to complete breakdowns.  I learned so much from our experience with Aviana, and yet many times, I feel I didn't learn a thing!

The only true death I have ever experienced was when my grandmother died. I was a disaster. I loved her so deeply. The pain of her absence has haunted me for years. Other than her, I have been fortunate in avoiding total loss.

Many times, I feel like a baby. I have had a fairly charmed life up until the accident. I question whether my childhood, and up, were so great, that now I am paying for everything at once.

What I am trying to say is, I have almost NO experience with death.  Throughout my life, I have avoided the topic like the plague. If ever the subject has come up, I drop it like it's hot. Nope! I won't touch it, thus avoiding it.

As Kama continues to wither away, and as the time passes that she should have responded to her treatment, I am faced with death and dying.  I am staring straight into the fact that I may very well lose her.

I am closer to Kama than I have ever been to another living thing. Yes, I am extremely close to my family, but she has been by my side every step, of every moment, of everyday. I look at Aviana and wonder how I am going to care for her without Kama.

My love for Kama is the deepest love possible. She is an angel that was sent down to me.  She has taken care of me through infertility, adoption, bonding issues, the accident, the death of Zoe, and everything else in between. As you may remember, she is my True Love.

I can't imagine one moment without her, and my heart has broken into a million little pieces over this. I am literally watching her starve to death. She has lost over 15 pounds, and her bones are sticking out.

I have canceled any, and all of my plans to stay by her side. She has never left mine, and I will never leave hers.  I just wish she would respond!!!!!!!!!

I have gone to great lengths to try to stay positive....

I have thought of the poor living in third world countries.

The homeless.

People who are not blessed with a great family.

I think of the people of Katrina who lost everything.

People who have lost their parents.

People who have lost their homes.

And of course, Christine McFadden, the woman whose 4 children were brutally murdered by her ex-husband.

I have a carousel of unfortunate people crossing my mind at almost all times.

Sometimes it just doesn't help though. Today I feel like a broken down car, lying at the bottom of the pile at a junkyard.

I need your help! I am so new at this, I need to know how the heck you cope with loss. I need to know how you get through, and continue on. I need to know.

After Kama had the best time with my dad's dog Snoozer, we had planned to rescue a lab mix. Dave is actively searching as we speak. Instead of a fun companion, all that runs through my mind now is *replacement* and we all know there will never be another Kama.

I have felt I only have enough strength for Aviana's accident, Zoe, and nothing else. My Uncle says it doesn't work that way, and I pray it doesn't.  I have a terrible feeling that this is just the icing on my crazy cake.

I am 35, and feel I have a whole lot of hurt coming in the future. How do you deal with that???? How do you watch everyone around you die???

Is this the control freak in me? Am I standing in my own way?

Please help me. I have taken the blinders off, and pulled my fingers out of my ears. I need to grow up, and learn how to do this death thing.

Thank you so much!

Often times, meteorologists are slightly inaccurate, I think my forecast ended up fairly spot on today ;o(

Chemo Kama

After a battery of tests, we found out yesterday that Kama has lymphoma. From what I now understand, if your baby is going to get cancer, this is the one to have.

After finding this out, I immediately took her down for her first Chemotherapy treatment.  So far, so good. They say the first one is the easiest though. I will be giving her medication everyday, she will go in for blood work, and a shot every week, and then we will discuss radiation later.

We pray that she continues to do well.

My eyes have been leaking like a broken faucet for days.  Dave tries his best to lighten the mood by calling her "Chemo Kama." We always feel the need to joke around in these horrible situations. I can honestly say laughter IS the best medicine. I seek out as much of it as possible, so good jokes, or stories are always welcomed =)

I'm sorry to be so short, I am still having a hard time talking about this.

Thank you again for your support. You all sure have a way of making a girl feel loved!

Are you There God?

It's me, Jen.

Please let my Kama Girl be ok.

So True

"They say bad things happen for a reason,
but no wise words gonna stop the bleeding."

~ The Script

Inconclusive

Yes, her results came back in this manner.  I will be taking her in today for a biopsy of her kidney.

The waiting game feels awfully familiar!

This has been one of the most difficult weeks ever. Thank you so much for all of your comments in support of our Kama Girl.

Seventy-Five Percent...

sure it's lymphoma...

We will know for sure Monday.

Kama Girl

Wow, was I wrong! Kama lost 12 pounds in 1 month and 5 days. I was so sad to see that.  They x-rayed her, and found that both her kidneys were over double the size they should be.  Because her kidneys are taking up so much room, her intestines are in a ball. They sent the x-rays to be reviewed by a radiologist.

On Friday she will have an ultrasound, and possibly a biopsy of her kidney.

I am terrified, but trying to not worry until I really have something to worry about.

Thank you so much for your comments, calls, and e-mails.

You all sure have a way of making us feel so loved :o)

Kama

Kama has not been eating lately, and has lost about 5-7 pounds. She had blood work done, and all was well. Tomorrow she is going to have an x-ray to look for the problem.

The *cancer* word, amongst others came up in conversation with the vet today. Sadly, I am focusing on only one word that was uttered, and all the others have fallen by the wayside.

I am super nervous, and quite honestly beside myself.  Please keep her close in thought and prayer, as I would be lost without her.

Thank you so much.

Cognizant

While I am free to roam, I am well aware of the fact that Aviana is not. For this reason, we try extremely hard to bring joy, and fun into her life every chance we get.

We try to whip through our therapy on the weekends so we can get her out and about.

As much as I feel like a caged animal, Aviana must feel 1000 times worse.

At least I can get up, and walk away....

Blessed

At some point, some girl took my blog over. She said she would not hire nursing. She is a sneaky one, because she later snuck on, and said she would do it, but it most likely wouldn't work out, as she couldn't even handle having someone on the outside of her home completing work.

Poor girl. She was so close minded, and did not stop to think that maybe, just maybe, it could all work out!

OK, it was me!

I, once again, have no idea who the heck I am. And, once again, it is one of the most refreshing feelings in the world!

Nursing has been life-saving to me. You may possibly think that is an extreme statement, but it's true. Having Michelle has allowed me to be free. Because of her, I am able to run errands, go to lunch with a friend, indulge in my new, awful pastime of shopping, and just plain have somewhat of a life.

Lately, I have been without nursing for a number of days. I can honestly say, I have no idea how I did it on my own for as long as I did!!!  Now, I could never imagine my life without this sort of help.

With help, I am no longer confined to the house, doing the same, exact thing day in, and day out. I am allowed some variety, and I appreciate it every second of the day.

When I am home, I am able to do other things, like cook for Aviana, do laundry, clean up the house, think about what to make for dinner, complete Aviana's reading program materials (which is extremely time consuming), and even take an online photography class.

I will be forever thankful to Michelle for all of the help she has provided. I also must not forget the countless hours of comic relief =)

Michelle is 9 weeks away from having a baby. For this reason, I had to start looking for another nurse.

At first, I tried my best to ignore her baby belly ;o)  It was easy at first, but in the last couple months, it became virtually impossible!

I then decided it was time to start acting like a mature adult, so I began sticking my fingers in my ears, closing my eyes, and screaming at the top of my lungs  LA, LA, LA, LA, LA.  All this while whipping my head frantically from side to side!

I thought it impossible to find another....

Once again, I had no idea....

Bring on the Rain

Fixing a Hole

There is a definite lonely feeling within the world I belong to. It's almost as though I don't feel it, but then things happen, and I quickly realize there is a big, gaping hole.  Lately, the way I notice this void is through merchandise. Merchandise of any kind. Merchandise at any time.

This is the pattern I have fallen into lately....

Dave needs a shirt,

or two,

or five.

I definitely need a food processor.

Aviana doesn't have enough Halloween clothes,

and speaking of Halloween,

we need more decorations for the house.

New music,

New music,

New music.

This will look great in my hair,

and so will this.

Kama absolutely needs a new toy,

I love this necklace,

and I gotta have these earrings.

A new dress is just what the doctor ordered,

donations here,

donations there,

donations everywhere.

I think I'll try my hand at sushi,

a book on that,

and a book on this too.

Tank tops in the winter,

sky high heels,

and why not some boots too.

A pseudo leather (animal friendly) jacket for Dave,

and how 'bout one for me too.

Dog treats of every flavor,

and a new drill too.

I am not exaggerating in the least bit. I almost didn't post this, because I am completely embarrassed.  I have decided to, as this is just another aspect of what I am dealing with now.

For a variety of reasons,

I need to stop immediately,

I have nowhere to go in all of my various outfits.

Dave doesn't need another shirt.

Avi has a boat load of clothes.

Kama is perfectly content with a good snuggle, and a trip to the park.

If I continue to donate like I do, I will go broke.

And,

I certainly don't have the time to become a Ninja Sushi Chef.

I have never been a huge shopper, but honestly shopping has never felt so liberating.  I feel like I have escaped the shackles of a rigid, controlled, life and am free to roam and explore.

I sure need to find a new way to feel free,

as this is anything but!