Thursday, January 15, 2015

With and Without You

Hi! I hope your holidays were full of everything nice!

I have so much to say lately, but don't know where to start. It seems since Aviana's been gone life has moved both fast and slow. I don't know. I've been in a flux, which I don't know exactly how to describe. Maybe it's from moving from change to change after everything being status quo for so long. I try not to analyze too much and just go with the flow, weaving in and out of my days, taking each as they come and for what they're worth.

I can say, since Aviana's been gone I'm not sure what to post. She was my muse. I have a million thoughts but now don't know where to land them - here or there. I also went through a long phase where I didn't take any pictures. At first I didn't notice and then - I cried at the realization - she's all I really took pictures of. Avi and Dave. Avi and Rainey. Avi and Avi. Okay, and pie. Avi and pie too : ) The pictures did however pick up again once we moved to Tahoe. My neighbor and I take our dogs on walks everyday. We also take Rainey to the lake. I take lots of pictures of all this beauty! But... it was strange.

It's been an interesting time lately. Trying to find myself without Aviana. Trying to figure out what's next. I've been with her for so long. I tell myself, "you were without her for the majority of your life. What's the deal?" Well come to find out, the deal is she changed and rearranged everything about me. She turned me into someone completely different. So now everything that mattered before, doesn't so much anymore. It's like starting over. It's also difficult because in starting over, I have to sometimes address what happened and potentially talk to strangers about it, which means I would have to make sure to hold it together. At times, I've felt really uncomfortable with the thought. She's my girl, and I like to talk or not talk, as I feel comfortable. So it's been interesting. I've been guided down some paths and also bent my world to accommodate myself! I'm grateful to be going through this transition here in Tahoe, rather than where we were before. Nature softens the edges.

Most days I'm good, but sometimes I feel hazy, lost, and maybe a little numb? I try to relax into those moments and realize everything will be okay.

I've been writing a lot. At times, it's really hard to go back to certain parts of our story. I have to cross reference the blog, and seeing it in real time can be downright painful. The loss. The hope. The doctors and their deliveries of highs and lows. The bittersweet pictures of Aviana. The crushing therapy realization. The lull. The loss. The fact checking when Dave comes home from work. It's all worth it though, because of the love, the hope, the outpouring of love and prayers, the people we found along the way, the faith, and much more. And most of all, because writing Aviana's story is my life's purpose. Because of her, everyday feels productive and fulfilling.

Gosh we miss her though. We miss dearly. Dave told me last night that as he was driving home he was thinking back and couldn't believe all we'd been through, especially in the end. He thought about everyone who came to visit, to say their final goodbyes. All of our friends and family who saw Aviana, who saw us. We can't imagine. I said, "Can you imagine what they must have felt? Sitting in their cars, in front of our house, knowing what they were about to walk into?" Thank God we have these kind of people in our lives. The kind who held us, and continue to, through everything.

Often times, I feel we are on the rebound. Like after an earthquake, we are rebuilding our lives, piece by piece. Or after a ball gets bounced hard, we are now flying in the air, or something. It's just what I picture. I don't think I've written about this here, but I was having nightmares for months after Aviana died. At the time, my Maggie told me my mind was still trying to make sense of everything. It was as though it was trying to catch up to reality. It was awful.

Thank you too. In going back through, I can't believe how some of you have been here from the very beginning - commenting the whole way through. Thank you for still being here even when I don't know what to write now that she's gone. Thank you to everyone who loves and supports us, and most importantly, Aviana.

Thank you also for making this year of Aviana's Elves. It was definitely different in many ways, so I thank you extra! Usually it's mainly Dave, Amy, Avi, Rainey, and I. We are usually pumped up and feed off each other. The music's usually blaring, pie's in the oven, and assembly is in motion. My mom's usually doing her thing - pounding pavement and stopping by every few days to drop the goods off for her 5 Live Crew. This year it was me. My mom was in Lincoln doing her part. Dave was working long hours at his new job (he was able to help deliver). Avi's gone. Amy was away too. And well okay, I'm sorry, Rainey was supervising. And then, my aunt died too. This year was a labor of love, and in the truest spirit in which everything was intended. It was worth it in every way, but I want you to know just how much every one of your donations meant to me. I was feeling kind of lonely without my crew close by, but with each, you picked me up that much more.

The Lyon Family ~ Gail Bower ~ The Meade Family ~ The Karabas Family ~ The Wissink Family ~ Lubna ~ The Rosemeyer Family ~ Dixie ~ The Sisle/Scotche Family ~ Marianne ~ My Daddy ~ Sue Remedios ~ The Ricketts/McIntosh Family ~ The Cava Family ~ The Pinna Family ~ The Lopez Family ~ The Depue Family ~ The Vestal Family ~ Susie Beltz ~ Starbucks ~ Target ~ Panera

❤️ ❤️ ❤️

After snowboarding this past Sunday, we took Rainey down for a swim.

Bark at the moon!


New Years Day!

Amy, Dave and I took mostly video of our sliding antics, but I love this one because Rainey's in the back, "Uh Mommy, you remember? You're a klutz!"

Dave, and our best neighbor girl Louise (or as we call her Weezy) on one of our walks. 

I love this picture of Rainey!!

These are the kind of pictures I take of Dave.

Picturesque. Top of the mountain. Trees. Snow. Lake. Billowy clouds in the backdrop.

These are the kind he takes of me. 

Parking lot. Concrete. Cars. Dirt. Power lines.

; ) : ) ; ) ; ) 

Rainey and her girls Razzimous and Sammy Sweetheart.

We are family. I got all my sisters with me!

Did you hear that? What? Where?

Today on our walk.

❤️ Sweetie Pie ❤️