Tuesday, April 24, 2018

♥️ Rainey ♥️

We opened our eyes to Rainey's birthday! Our morning was filled with kisses, stories of the night she was born (to us ; ), and a breakfast of scrambled eggs with Canadian bacon, mushrooms, and cheese for she and Dave. And we still have the afternoon and night to love on our love.

Isn't my mom strange; she thinks Dave and I are over the top, to the point of annoying Rainey. We say no way.

She's our world,

And deserves to be treated as such.

♥️ ♥️ ♥️

Sunday, April 22, 2018

Happy and Sad

Written: Late 2012

As we walk into your room and find you just the way we left you from the night before.

As we cover your sweet face with too many kisses to count.

As we change your diaper.

As we pull a cute shirt over your head and add some adorable shorts to match.

As we comb your hair into side by side buns atop your head.

As we support your wobbly neck, while carrying you down the hall for breakfast.

As we feed you bite after bite by hand.

As we clean your face, remove your bib, and position you so as not to tip or fall.

As we pick you back up and carry you to your room.

As your teeth are brushed and your braces are 1, 2, 3 strapped to each leg.

As you are carried to the garage (careful to avoid hitting your long body on walls and doorways ; )

As each strap is pulled over you and buckled into the wheelchair, off we go to the park.

As day turns to night and you are calmed, your face wiped from each seizure.

As you are bathed.

As your hair is carefully (your head is more fragile by the day) washed and dried.

As any remaining moisture is dried from each finger, toe, and crease to prevent skin breakdown.

As the pillow pet is strategically placed between your legs to prevent crossing in the night.

As books are read and twinkle turtle and little lady are illuminated.

As kisses and kisses keep coming.

We are happy to care for your every need.

While at the very same time...


Saturday, April 21, 2018


Written: 2011

Do you think she'll ever talk? Walk? Smile? What do you think her future will look like? What will happen to Aviana if you and Dave die before her?

People wonder. It's natural to ask questions.

In the beginning, I'd tumble night after night down the same dark and desperate rabbit hole. With Maggy's help, I learned to push these thoughts to "if" they happen. I try and do the same with any questions.

The exception is Aviana outliving us. Legally and logistically, our plans are in place, but the thought terrifies me. In those moments, Maggy's face and voice find and dry my eyes. Instead, I concentrate on my coffee, making the next sound for Aviana, or Rainey resting on her paw. Anything, but what may never happen.

In my former life, I planned and worried, as if they were hobbies. Through trial and error, Maggy, and a ton of practice, I plan and worry only if necessary, then live.

Life, people, and priorities shift, so my time and energy are better spent on who and what's in front of me.

As it turns out, this way of living is so much better for me. Who would've thought; definitely not me!

It's interesting, what started out of survival is how I live today. The issues are now smaller, but the skill set's in place.

Thursday, April 19, 2018


I'm guessing the file called "drafts" has always been accumulating nine years of my (not so) random thoughts. I never saw these thirty-nine posts until last night. Now that I have, I want to (from oldest to newest) make them part of the actual blog.


Written: December 20, 2010

I finally understand why people do the things they do.

I understand why some turn to alcohol.

Or gamble.

I understood why there are drug addicts.

Excessive shopping is no longer a mystery.

I understand why people cut to dull internal pain.

I understand walls so high no one can reach inside.

Grabbing a blanket and pulling it over makes perfect sense.

Isolating is understandable.