I Remember You?

Music is my life. My life is music. Thanks to the worlds greatest invention, Apple TV, this house is in, and on a constant rotation, day and night. Our little girl was brought up this way. By the tender age of 2, she could name that tune in two notes. She would stop whatever she was doing every time Butch Walker, or Gary Allan would swivel through the speakers and lock eyes with me. With the sweetest smile, and voice...oh that voice, she would scream, "Mommy, Butch Walker!!"

These memories are forever on ice. Frozen in time. That's what happens when something like this happens. When your child was stopped. Abruptly. They become forever encapsulated in a glass box of memories, protected and guarded in the hearts of the people that knew and loved her most.

Those memories teeter. They delicately balance. They walk a tightrope. When exposed to air, and the light of day, they hinge on wavering emotions. Do we silently assess each others? Or do we just share freely? I'm not so sure. Probably a little of both.

There's a fine line of wanting to remember Aviana, but also wanting to forget her at the very same time. I will forever be so proud of who she was, what she used to do, and say, and my hope is that everyone who knew her, will always remember her too, but the truth is - as more time has passed...I am so thankful for all I have forgotten. Forgetting makes this journey easier in some respects, as remembering is at times just too painful.

There will never be a time in our lives where we don't reflect back on that little girl we once had, as she was such a big part of our lives. We will always look back with pure happiness, great sadness, or most likely...a combination of the two. How can we not, when every single day we look at her now, and at some point - we are reminded of her then?

It was not my intent to delve into all of this with you today. My intent was to share a memory, one of how much Aviana used to love music, and still does. I have always thought I was supposed to be a singer in a Rock n' Roll band, but the problem is - I can't sing. That doesn't stop me from singing to Aviana all day long. And guess what? Because she can't talk...she can't stop me! No really, she likes it. I came on here to share the song she really loves when I sing to her lately. I can kind of tell because she really looks at me. Her eyes go back and forth intently, her arms move, and she looks all lovingly.

I secretly think she likes it so much because it says...

I belong with you, you belong with me

You're my sweetheart

And for other reasons...

Me

My friend Jen sent this to me today. After cleaning up all the water I immediately spit out my face in laughter, I realized the irony as I just so happened to be having kind of a crappy day, while making a pie at that very moment!

This is 'me' so perfectly!

Thanks Jen!

Love you...

❤

Movies with Our Meekers

My prior movie track record was about two in 10 years. I have this problem. I get super fidgety. Worse than the worst kid. It's the self diagnosed restless body leg syndrome thing. We almost went to many movies over those years though. 

It usually went something like this - I'd spontaneously flash Dave the last minute look and say, "I can do it! Let's go." But as the bright lights of the building loomed ahead, the fear of being confined to one, tiny square box of a chair would start playing...over, and over, and over, in my head and I would scream, "Forget it! I can't do it! Anywhere, but there!"

But then, something strange happened. Right after the accident - I needed to stop the spinning. I needed distance. I was all too close to an all too real reality. If only for a moment, I had to escape, but to where? A new movie theater had just opened a few miles away. I wondered if I could do it? I had to try.

Love & Other Drugs was playing. It was a Sunday night at 10:35 pm. Yes, I was squirming the seat, but I was gone. My mind was gone. Into that movie I was, and far from my new world. There, was exactly where I needed to be, wanted to be.

From then on, movies became my refuge. I prefer going by myself. Just me, myself and I. It's my secret slice of time...away. Lately though, I've had company. I have to admit, they've been a nice addition. 

At home, we've tried to see if Aviana has any interest in watching TV. I've put on cartoons, Animal Planet, various Disney movies, Christmas movies, etc. and she has zero interest. She prefers to either look at me, or the wall. But never, and I mean never, the TV.

I figured the same would be true for the movies. So, we just took her along for the ride, a change of scenery, a good two hour cuddle, things of that sort. 

The first movie we took her to was Searching for Sugar Man. You might remember what this one was like for us. She was on my lap, and slept for some of this movie, so I couldn't really see much of what she was doing. 

We took her to two movies in two days over the holiday weekend. In both of these movies she sat on Dave's lap, so I was able to see exactly what she was doing. The first was Silver Linings Playbook, and the second was The Sessions. If you've seen it you might be screaming at the screen, "Oh Meeks...cover your precious, little eyes!!" 

You know me by now, and some things have to hit me over the head...a few times, for me to realize they aren't a fluke with Aviana. Well, I'm here to say - she loves the big screen!! That's where it's at for this girl!! She was actually watching both of these movies!! Both of these movies were holding her attention! 

And yes, it's not lost on me that both of these movies are Rated R, have bad language and one has tons of nudity, but whatever...as long as it's something that grabbed her attention...I'll take it!!! Like I always say, she's way beyond her years and has been through more in her short little life than most will ever go through in their entire life. What's the big deal in the grand scheme? Nothing.

But now that we know she likes the BIG SCREEN, the next movie we go see will be for our girl!! You watch, I bet she won't be interested! She'll probably be thinking, "This is boring! Where's all the smut and butt?" No, it wasn't really like that ; ) But really, she's a squirly one...always keeping us on our toes!! 

Avi sweetie...would you like some?

This one came out dark, but I love it too much not to post.

Dave snatched her on up after our pre-movie photo shoot!

❤

Back to life. Back to reality.

Back to the here and now.

I hope you all had a nice, relaxing, drama free holiday! Isn't that the ultimate goal? 

I have to say, I loved reading all of your comments about what you were looking forward to most, and who was making which pie recipe, and who was finally swayed in the blind pie test from Sweet Potato over to Pumpkin!! Loved every minute of it.

I hope you got my comments back. I am new to this whole leaving comments back thing. I don't totally get it, so the person has to check back? That just seems counterproductive if you ask me...there must be a better way, is there? 

As for us, Avi kicked things off with a cold, and I had a T-Day Vaca take down. Does the latter sound exciting? Like one of my very favorite holiday episodes of Friends - where like Monica, every ounce of my competitiveness comes out and I whoop every single person near, and far? Well unfortunately, it was neither fun, nor exciting...and was a huge, sucky, string of headaches and for days on end. These brain benders involved many Imitrex shots, and the missing of Thanksgiving dinner...but not PIE! 

The headaches ducked and weaved in and out, so thankfully all the days weren't completely shot.

Aviana was feeling her worst in this picture but coincidentally, it happens to be one of my absolute favorites. Amy is in Wisconsin and while we were having a texting marathon one night, I sent this one to her. I loved her response...

"Oh Meekers...you are so ooty! She looks so beautiful when she's illin...why can't I look like that when I'm sick?!?!?!"

We make any excuse to bust out The Hodder Camp Family Room. Avi being sick seemed like the perfect reason!! When Aviana is sick, she wants her Nana. 

"What's that you say Nana? Tell them Avi comes first!! Okay I will. Yes, right when we hang up."

A pup makes everything better.

Yep. Aren't they beautiful?

It was... 

A girl, a guy, and five pies 

around here, but I forgot to take the after picture : ( 

Guess what I discovered over the break? After all this time, of wearing my pants, I'm supposed to keep them away from FIRE!! Who knew? Not me. Thank god I finally saw the tag...I can start being more careful!! Phew.

My dad came down for the holiday and brought his dog Snoozer, and Snoozy's new sister Chelsea. A few months ago I turned my dad on to the Kris Karr website and as it turns out, she has a section about dogs in need of adoption as they are on death row. Well Chelsea was one of these dogs, and my dad just so happened to get attached. 

He didn't know it at the time, but Chelsea was all the way over in New York. To make a long story short, after many emails back and forth with one of the most amazing dog lovers named Karen, my dad could not turn his back on Chelsea. So after a plane flight to San Francisco - this lucky girl now lives in beautiful Lake Tahoe. She's a feisty little sweetheart! 

Just yesterday, Kris Karr's website updated my dad and Chelsea's story. 

Look at them, sharing Rainey's bed together.

My dad, Karen and Kris collectively saved Chelsea's life. Every time I look over at her, or see her playing, eating, or sleeping, that's all I see...a little life that was saved. 

Truly - a pit bull, at that age?

Saved. 

Beautiful.

Even over break...the laundry must be done, right?

But these two keep it interesting!

Kama used to dig through all the laundry, tossing it all around, until she found the dryer sheet. She would then rip it to shreds.

Right when we got Rainey, I was in tears to see her do the exact same thing...with every single load.

I have asked every person I know that has a dog if theirs does this, and all have answered no. 

Do any of yours?

Doing launder, or should I say...disrupting launder ~ is exhausting!

Cutie Pie

I saved the cutest pie for last! I met my friend Ellen through my blog, and very early on in this journey of ours. She has been there for us throughout, and has been a constant source of love and support.

On our very first trip to Philadelphia, we were in over our heads. In this wide world of brain injury, everything was brand new to us! Something happened on the second day of class that I will never forget. Someone came in with a wrapped gift and card attached looking for The Hodder Family. As they were handing the beautiful gift over to us, I was truly stunned. It's been close to four years since this happened, and I am tearing up just thinking about this now.

The gift was from Ellen and not only was it perfect, but exemplified the absolute kind and caring nature of perfect strangers. She reached out to us at such a difficult time and that's not easy to do. I'm not so sure I could walk straight into the eye of our kind of storm, especially at that time! In fact - knowing me then, I can answer that question now...I couldn't. That takes a certain kind of person. A courageous, but my gosh...a loving one to be exact.

Well, Ellen's daughter Emma decided she wanted to be a PIE of all things this year for Halloween! I screamed at the computer screen, "That's my girl!!" I was especially blown away because they made the costume together! I was so impressed! I'm a girl that can't sew on a button!!

So now...I will shut my mouth, and introduce you to Ellen and her Sweetie...I mean, Cutie Pie!

Momma Calling

There was a knock at the door tonight. A sneak peek of Thanksgiving arrived early this year, and in the form of my absolute favorite thing on earth...Green Bean Casserole! But only the way my mom makes it! Whatever she does ~ it's truly magical, a work of art, a culinary masterpiece!

I've tried to replicate it myself. Every time my stinkin' feeble fingers try, her nonchalant words echo in my head, "Honey, you just add some of this, and some of that, it's not that hard. It's no big deal. Just go like this..." I stand before you with a BIG, FAT, nuh uh, it doesn't work.

I would sacrifice all other food for the rest of my life if you promised me this yum daily...
no joke.

What part of the Thanksgiving meal are you looking forward to most?

All Butter Pecan Pie

Back in March, Mel commented and asked if I had an all butter Pecan Pie recipe. I didn't, but am a very curious person, and it also just so happens to be our mission to make one of every kind of pie! So back then, I combed all of my recipe resources. I didn't realize what a tall order a sans syrup Pecan Pie would be, but I'm sure glad Mel asked because at the time - I didn't care for this particular pie...at all. This endeavor surely has taught me to straighten up and fly right! I am now a firm believer in this piece of pecan-y perfection and no longer turn my nose up towards it ; ) 

Mel, I hope you saw this post, where I linked the recipe for you back in March? The reviews speak volumes. Apparently, the majority of people prefer their Pecan Pie this way too! We thank you for sending us down the path to this truly amazing pie!

Without further ado...

All Butter Pecan Pie

Ingredients:

1 cup light brown sugar

1/4 cup white sugar

1/2 cup butter

2 eggs

1 Tbs. flour

1 Tbs. milk

1 tsp. vanilla

1 cup chopped pecans

5.4 ounces whole pecans for top design (optional)

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees

Melt the butter and let stand to cool. Meanwhile, in a large bowl, beat the eggs until they are foamy. Stir in the melted butter. Look to see if brown sugar is softened, press out any lumps or bumps with the back of a spoon. If your brown sugar isn't soft, you can always microwave it for a few seconds. Stir in the brown sugar, white sugar, and flour; mix well. Last - add the milk, vanilla and chopped nuts. Stir all until everything is well dissolved, and evenly coated. 

Pour into an unbaked 9-inch pie shell. Bake in preheated oven for 10 minutes at 400 degrees, then reduce the temperature to 350 and bake for 30-40 minutes, or until done. In that time though, rotate your pie 180 degrees halfway through and also put your pie shield on when necessary.

Some prefer to eat this pie straight out of the oven, although it will not hold it's shape. I prefer to cool it on a wire rack for at least 3 hours.

Enjoy!

Notes

the whys of pies

** We found this recipe didn't fill a standard 9-inch pie plate full enough, so we 1-1/2 the recipe every time we make it now and it works out perfectly.

** If you do 1-1/2 the recipe, you have to increase the baking time accordingly to compensate. 

** We also like to design the top with pecans. We found that it takes 5.4 ounces extra for a standard 9-inch pie.

** You'll notice in our first attempt at this pie below, it looks a little puffy and the pecans are kind of hidden. It was because we didn't get the pecans close enough together. The next time, it was a beauty, but we forgot to take the after picture : /

** Both our brains were giving us the silent treatment one night and we thought it a good idea to make this in a 9-1/2 deep dish one time, instead of two smaller 9-inch and let's just say...we'll never do that again...too much goo, not enough balance. Learn from our mistake!

** As your pie is baking, and it's coming towards the end...keep watch and tent the whole thing with foil if needed. You don't want those beautiful pecans to turn any shade of a crispy critter : )

This is a NO! 

This is the 9-1/2 inch deep pie plate. Too big!!

Terrible balance of crust to filling to pecan top ratio.

We realized we should have divided it in two small pies!

: ( 

This is a YES! 

Perfect 9-inch pie plate. 

Perfect balance of crust to filling to pecan topping. 

This was our first attempt at a Pecan Pie.

We learned that the pecans were spaced a little too far apart in design.

It caused them to become lost.

Sorry, I forgot to take a picture of the ones we did right...

Recipe adapted from allrecipes.com 

While She Sleeps

While she sleeps, I feel relief. When I turn around and those beautiful eyes are closed, and her body is in a complete and total state of peace and slumber, I exhale. 

No more are her eyes scanning the room. No more are her limbs possibly rigid. No more are the seizures. No more are the shrieks, the eye rolls, and drool that follow.  

No more do I have to shuffle through the various and fleeting thoughts that only come naturally with having, and loving a girl like her. I welcome the stillness, the reprieve from wonder: is she happy, bored, sad, or experiencing a good life? For it's in those napping and sleeping moments that I know she's at peace. I know she's in a state of tranquility. And to be honest, it's truly the only time and thing I know for sure.

There is of course a duality, or an opposition to everything...so my deep and appreciative exhale is often followed by an inquisitive inhale. And that inhale is full of questions as to why it must be that I am most at ease as she sleeps. In these moments, the realization of all we have lost sometimes bears down in the most severe way.  Although we make the best and most of our waking moments, there is no doubt - they will always remain downright unbelievable at their core!!   

It's in the times when I just don't know what else to do with her for the day, that I miss our other little girl in the worst way possible!! And so I end up relieved when she has fallen asleep. It takes the pressure off to find something else to do with a girl that can't do anything, or show any sort of enjoyment for anything. 

All I can really say is - brain injuries suck, every day of the year. I want to really enjoy my child while she is awake. For her week off of school I wish to find peace and comfort in - her smiling face, her goofy personality, her chattering mouth, her over the top outfits, what she thinks we should bake this year, and whatever else we happen to stumble upon.

But definitely not in the moments...

While she sleeps.  

Homemade Whipped Cream

I love homemade whipped cream, so I thought I would pull my step by step tutorial from the vault and taylor it to the season!

Freeze both the bowl and beaters for about 10 minutes for the best, and fastest result.

   

Ingredients:

1-1/2 cups heavy whipping cream

2 tablespoons powdered sugar

1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract or vanilla bean paste

***

Depending on how much you need, you can adjust these measurements accordingly. I also adjust the amount of vanilla according to which kind of pie I'm adding it to, meaning I add more for a few. Always remember though - if you want yours to be really white, you'll want little, to no, vanilla. As you can see above, I had added more into this one.

Beat until still peaks form.

Avoid over beating ; ) 

Cardinal Rule Numero Uno!

Always be sure to either, take the time to eat all whipped cream off the beaters, or share them with someone you love.

Fit your pastry bag (or after I ran out of these...I started using Ziplock Freezer Bags and cut one of the corners, so much cheaper!) and roll sides downward.

Fill bag and smooth all whip cream down toward end.

Pipe whipped cream onto your pie in whatever design you are feeling that day ; )

Move pie around 52 times, and take 78 pictures if you're a freak like me!

If not, then just slice a piece and experience the beauty.

One More?

I was going to put together one more pie recipe post, and it was going to be the all butter Pecan Pie. I didn't realize how much goes into putting these types of posts together and in my experience, Pecan can be iffy, so before I dive in...is there a taker?

Chocolate Love For You

Ok, I saw this pie on Pinterest and instantly...had to make it. I'm not huge into chocolate, so what might ask was the attraction? It looked sinfully delish! And of course, I have to make every pie in creation!

You guys, I've told you, I take about 2-3 bites and give the rest of the pie to family and friends. I'm telling you - this pie, this chocolatey, heavenly, slice of goodness. The pie that parted the sun, the moon and the worst mood on the darkest of day. Oh.my.god. It was one of the best pies I've ever made. The ingredients all came together like...how should I put this? Hmm, music is my ultimate, so the lyrics, instruments, hook, and melody to my absolute favorite song(s) of all time. That good. 

Dave and I couldn't keep our freakin' paws off. We kept looking at each other and saying, "Seriously! Somebody stop me! Just one more bite!" As we shoveled three or four more bites, as if no one was looking. All this coming from the person who could take or leave a mound of chocolate.

It's not a typical holiday pie, but after seeing and tasting, we're making for neighbors to share with their Thanksgiving meal. Who knows, maybe this pie will add as a new holiday tradition?

And best, while the steps may seem a boatload, they actually go fast and it truly is easy as pie.

I put together an assembly video of pictures, as I am much more of a visual person myself.

I hope this helps.

Double Chocolate Truffle Pie

Graham Cracker Crust

1 3/4 cups graham cracker crumbs (12 whole crackers)

2 tbs. packed brown sugar

1/2 tsp. ground cinnamon

big pinch salt

6 tbs. unsalted butter

Truffle Pie Filling

2/3 cup heavy cream

4 oz. bittersweet chocolate chips

2 oz. milk chocolate chips

Whipped Chocolate Filling

4 oz. bittersweet chocolate chips

2 oz. milk chocolate chips

1.5 cups heavy whipping cream

1/2 tsp. vanilla

Whip Cream Topping

1 cup heavy whipping cream

1/4 cup powdered sugar

Garnish

1.5 oz. milk chocolate

1.5 oz. white chocolate

1.5 oz. semisweet or dark chocolate

***

Directions

For graham cracker crust...

Preheat oven to 350.

Combine the graham cracker crumbs, brown sugar, cinnamon, and salt in large bowl. Mix briefly with your fingers. Add butter and incorporate well, mixing first with a fork, then with your hands, rubbing thoroughly to form evenly dampened crumbs.

** I use a food processor for this and process the crumbs and all until fine, I then add the butter until evenly distributed. I then put it all in a bowl and mix it around with a spatula making sure the butter has evenly coated all crumbs.

Spread crumbs evenly and loosely in the pan, pressing them into the bottom and up the sides. ** I use a tart dough tamper, or a custard cup will do too, to press the crumbs down. I really push them down good. I find that if they are not pretty tight, they come loose when I serve the pie...and that bugs! Refrigerate for 5 to 10 minutes.

Place on the center rack and bake for 7 minutes. Let cool on a wire rack before filling.

This recipe came from Pie. We call him Pie Guy and most of his recipes are great. We love him because he is so detailed. He tells you which sized pie plate to use, and really gets into it!

For the truffle filling... 

In a saucepan, bring 2/3 cup cream to a simmer. Place the 6 total ounces of chocolate chips in a bowl and pour the hot cream over the chocolate. Let stand for 1 minute, then gently whisk until smooth. Spread truffle filling over the bottom of the prepared piecrust and freeze for 20 minutes. 

Meanwhile, 

For the whipped chocolate filling... 

In a double broiler or a microwave set on low power, heat the 6 ounces chocolate chips with 1/2 cup of the cream until the chocolate is just melted, stirring often. Let it cool to room temperature. In a chilled bowl, beat the remaining one cup cream until thick. Add the chocolate mixture and vanilla. It says beat until soft peaks form. ** I'm really careful here, because you can easily lose all the thickness you just got, so mix just until all is incorporated.  It's really important to not overdo this part.** Spread the whipped chocolate mixture over the truffle filling in the crust and refrigerate overnight.

Just before serving, 

Make the whipped cream topping... 

Beat 1 cup heavy whipping cream and powdered sugar on high speed with an electric mixer until stiff peaks form. Spread the whipped cream over the pie, or place in a pastry bag, or as I use, a ziplock freezer bag with a pastry tip attachment : ) Use a grater, or vegetable peeler and shave the various kinds of chocolate onto a plate. Put them onto the pie as you so choose and serve immediately : )

I hope you love it as much as we did!

Chocolate love and kisses to you!

As always let me know if you have any questions, oh and by the way, I answer as a reply after the comment!

Adapted from Deen Bros

Pause the Pie Cause

I want to pause the pie cause and include this for anyone who happens to be reading from anywhere near the Sacramento, or surrounding area, and wants to help : )

***

Dear Jennifer, 

Can you imagine cooking a Thanksgiving Dinner for 1,000 people? That's 300 turkeys, 400 pies, 200 cans of yams, and 100 gallons of apple juice! Quite a tall order. Yet the Thanksgiving miracle will take place at Loaves & Fishes again this year, thanks to you.

We need your help. Whether you can bring a turkey, a baked pie, or just a bag of marshmallows, it makes a difference. You can help fill a hungry belly. You can help bring a smile to someones face. You can be an answer to a prayer.

Please consider donating one or more of the items from our needs list. If you can't purchase the items yourself you can make a monetary donation and we will be happy to do the shopping for you. Donate online here.

Our Thanksgiving Meal will be on Tuesday, November 20th at 11:00am.

Please deliver items by Friday, November 16 to:
1351 North C Street
Monday-Friday 7am to 3pm

Thanksgiving Menu

Main Dish
300 Turkeys
Cranberry Sauce - 100 oz or Extra Large Cans
Large Oven Turkey Bags

Candied Yams
Yams - 100 oz or Extra Large Cans
Marshmallows - Large or Small

Sides/Drinks
String Beans - 100 oz or Extra Large Cans
Potatoes
Bacon
Apple Juice - Gallon Size
Dinnner Rolls
Butter Pats

Dessert
400 Baked Pies
Whipped Cream - Cans

Accessories
Heavy Napkins
Sturdy Plastic Utensils

Dressing
Dry Dressing Mix - Large Bags
Onions - Large Bags
Sage Seasoning

Peace and Love,

Loaves & Fishes

P.S. Please share this email with your friends and family so they can have a chance to be a part of the good works you are doing.

Pumpkin Pie

I figured we would start with the basics. Pumpkin Pie is one of my all time favorites. 

And since I love all things pumpkin, I felt I should riffle through a ton of recipes to find the perfect one. After careful consideration of a ton plus one, I finally decided, but added much more spice to it! I love spices, and felt it definitely needed more and of all of them, except ginger. I'm not big on ginger, my mom can strike me down right about...now : )

  

It was absolute heaven on a plate!

Yes, I'm aware...I take an obscene amount of pie pictures! You should see my iPhoto folder, it's atrocious!

Pumpkin Pie

  

▪               ¾ cup sugar

▪               ½ teaspoon salt

▪               1 teaspoon cinnamon

▪               ½ teaspoon ginger

▪               ¼ teaspoon nutmeg

▪               ¼ teaspoon clove

▪               2 large eggs

▪               One 15 ounce can pure pumpkin

▪               One 12 ounce can evaporated milk

▪               Fresh whipped cream

Directions:

* For the exact pie above, I used a 9.5 inch deep dish pie plate and 1.5 the recipe above. The above recipe is perfect for a normal 9 inch pie plate.

Prepare dough. Flute pie crust and place in freezer until it's hard as a rock. Preheat oven to 425.

Combine the sugar, salt, and spices in a small bowl. Beat the eggs in a large bowl. Whisk in the pumpkin and sugar-spice mixture. Gradually stir in the evaporated milk. Pour into the chilled pie shell.

Place the pie on the center rack and bake for 15 minutes. Reduce the oven temperature to 350 and rotate pie 180 degrees. Make sure to continue checking the crust edges, and place a pie protector on once needed. I put mine on at 33 minutes. Continue to bake until a knife inserted near the center comes out clean, 40-50 minutes. My oven is like fire and it took a total of 52 minutes. Transfer pie to wire rack and let cool 2 hours. Serve immediately, or cover with loosely tented foil and refrigerate before serving. Garnish with whipped cream, if you wish!

Enjoy,