Thursday, November 30, 2017

In Between

Sitting beside Aviana, I learned about silence. Since, I prefer the space between.

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Must Write Words

November 8th

Seven years ago, I knelt as a black puppy made her way over to us. She sat, then licked Aviana's bare feet. This morning I thanked that black puppy for taking such good care of us, then gave her too many kisses to count.

I ate my favorite oatmeal: with flax seeds, a mix of mostly flame and a couple thompson raisins, chopped pecans, a ridiculous amount of cinnamon, a dash of nutmeg, a bit of clove, a shake of salt, a 1/4 cup of almond milk, and just under 3/4 cup water. Heaven in a bowl!

Rainey and I hiked to the lookout behind our house. It's cute; she thinks she can catch a chipmunk. With pockets of sun, the trees were swaying and the air was cold and crisp. Come on snowflakes!

While working on Aviana's Elves, my principal sent a text about a family in urgent need. The day's plan changed. A trip to Reno moved to the front. On this third day of shopping for the week, Reno and I had a bit of communication breakdown. Things didn't turn out right. Four huge bags is still okay though, right? Because we'll shop more this weekend, I told myself it was okay.

After shopping, I could eat my dashboard. I wanted a Flat White coffee. I parked, even opened my door, but it didn't sound good. Until I got back to Tahoe, I wanted the apple riding next to me. Did you know I have a year round obsession? Envy. Opal. Lady Alice. Fuji. Apple. Apple. Give me another apple, please. Do you love apples?

On the way to Reno and home, it snowed over the top of Mt. Rose. Glittery white on my windshield 

I got home and smothered Rainey in more treats, love, and kisses.

I booked a trip to meet my friend, his wife, and son. He and I met in 6th grade. Because his and my last name started with W, we sat next to each other in class. We then connected after Aviana's accident and became best friends. You just never know when you'll meet your life long best friends, do you? 

I thought and did, ate and drank some coffee, then pulled my computer onto my lap and typed, "Must Write Words."

I hope you're November 8th has been filled with all that makes you feel good and fall-ish.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

In Her Own Time

Sarah's a friend I rarely see or speak to, but hold as a best. Our daughters were best friends too. Lily and Avi are both from Guatemala. Did they sense this somewhere deep inside? We'll never know. Although the two ran parallels, they differed in ways. Where Avi sprang, Lily hung back. The spark of their existence continued after the accident, but in reverse.

Sarah gifted us a book she and Lily loved called, "Ruby in Her Own Time." A story of ducks tells of a little one named Ruby who does everything last and in her own time, but when she does, she does brilliantly and beautifully!

Dave and I spent many nights reading this book to Aviana. We too, loved Ruby. The story was a continual reminder of how Avi's recovery and life wasn't in our time, but in hers alone.

When coming to Tahoe, things that once took moments suddenly turned into days, weeks, and sometimes months.

Never had I been so unsure.

Tiny tasks became insurmountable.

Because of my heart, I almost lost my mind over a single sheet of paper. Aviana became my life's work, so my resume caused an upheaval.

I sat, staring at the computer.

"Without Aviana, what's the point of my resume." Tears dripped at the thought of sitting across from a stranger answering questions about my "experience." Because I wasn't ready, the cursor gobbled seven years of warmth, love, pain, life, and death.

I sat, staring at the computer.

To spare my heart, I left her off. I felt as empty as the page looking back at me.

My mind waffled on what my soul knew.

With soul decisions there's one answer for me. No matter how hard, I'll never deny Aviana's existence. So with a burst of energy the best, hardest, most worthwhile years of our lives went back on my resume.

With Aviana here, it seemed I could do anything. With her gone, I wasn't sure where I belonged.

After how far we'd come, I was shocked by how deeply I'd fallen away from functioning in normal life.

I got through the resume, but because Dave knew I was struggling with the interview process, he suggested I substitute teach. With substitute teaching, I'd speak of Aviana only if I chose and felt comfortable.

I wondered if I could work with kids, but knew Dave was onto something good. I started slow, taking only high school and continuation, which quickly spiraled into middle, special day class, resource, and elementary. I soon found my sweet spot in any class 4th grade and above.

Before Aviana, I never had interest in working with kids. Because of her, the kids and schools have given me reason to get up in the morning.

The spirals continue, but just as Ruby, Lily, and Aviana the same goes for me. To the places of this world... I'll get there, but with patience and in my own time.

Monday, May 8, 2017

Golden Slumbers

For reasons I'm aware and those I'm not, I must get what's in, out. But where? I thought and decided here's the place. So I'll start. Or pick up. I actually have no idea where I'm going with this story. All I know is, in the end, I'd only just begun.

I once lived a fairly normal existence. Scars were later worn proudly. Overnight, exterior ache bore inward and back into the normal flow of life I fell.

Others worried about me. I shrugged it off, until later seeing what they saw. I grew to understand survival and struggled with the transition back into everyday life.

If I wasn't the before me, or the me who cared for Aviana. Who was I? I kind of had a good idea of who, but hadn't a clue where I belonged or how to get there.

I fumbled, wandering the forest. I was grateful to be back at the lake, but struggled with what to do with myself. What could be as important as taking care of Avi? To focus and because figuring took all my energy, I turned in. The last I wanted to speak of was more of this, so I either kept my mouth shut or saved it for Dave, Rainey, Aviana, God, or nature. They carried me through... but at times, this was a lot of weight for (Dave) few to carry.