Sunday, October 24, 2010

11th Hour

Long story, very short....

Kama started panting and shaking again yesterday morning. Her heart rate was out of control. I knew at that moment, we would be saying goodbye to our baby.

I called the vet, and talked to him. I explained that I couldn't bear to see her suffer, and set the appointment for 2:20 to put her to sleep. 

I told Dave I set the appointment, and he did not think we had tried hard enough. He felt very strongly about the fact that we had not given her enough of a chance. He called the vet back, and spoke with him. After hanging up, he wanted to take her back to the vet, and still proceed with one last round of Chemo next week.

I was severely upset, and felt sick to my stomach. I did not know what to do.  I am so sick of having to make life and death situations!! 

I decided to call my brother, as he has Kama's brother, and loves him like I love Kama.  I asked for his advice, and he agreed with Dave. He thought I was throwing in the towel too soon. He said miracles happen in the 11th hour all the time, and I need to put her through a little more of what she doesn't like to see what happens.

Dave & Jeff both said that after one more round, we will have peace of mind, but with letting her go now, we would not.

I was so torn. I agreed and we took her to the vet for more IV fluids. They said they were going to do a blood test to check her white blood cell count and to make sure the Chemo had worked. They were looking for improved kidney function. They said they would have the results within 2 hours. If she had not improved, we were going to drive up, and let her go.

Three hours later, we called and they said her white cell count went from 700 to over 13,000 (I think normal is 5000 or so) They also said her kidneys had improved slightly, and had not gotten worse. 

They said they did not think her reaction in the morning was due to the Chemo, but was from severe dehydration. They advised moving forward. 

I was indifferent. I did not know what to make of that information. All I could think was, are we just putting off the inevitable. 

I cried my eyes out from the time I woke up, until about 8pm. I had a terrible headache, and felt horrific.

Dave's parents had come over, as we could not get in touch with them to cancel our plans. They were coming over to watch Aviana because we were supposed to go to my cousins Halloween party. This party has been up in the air for quite some time, and obviously we decided there wasn't a chance in hell we were going.

My parents stopped by as well, and when I opened the door to let them out, and huge gust of wind blew in. The fresh air felt intoxicating. I immediately wanted to RUN out of my house, and never come back until Kama was home again.

Dave thought that because his parents were there anyway, and even though we were not in the mood for a party, we should go just to get out of our house. It had been such an exhausting, long, emotional day, so we decided to partake.

The party started at 7, and we got there at 10:15pm.  Thank goodness sunglasses were part of my costume because my eyes were all puffed out from crying so much. I feared I would be boo hooing all over the party. I honestly thought they would have to scrape me up of the floor, but it turns was just what I needed. 

It was the perfect distraction. We had the best time from the second we stepped in to the moment we left at 2:30.

The vacancy upon walking in hit me like a brick wall.  All I could think was, "Back to life, back to reality, back to the here and now!"

I miss my baby girl tremendously, and just got a second blow, she is not coming home until tomorrow. I, once again, feel sick to my stomach! My fear is that my gut feeling was correct, but there are two parents making decisions for our beautiful I sure hope I am wrong.

OK, so I had intended for this to be a short story.

Thank you to Dave's parents for understanding our desperate need for fresh air, and staying until 2:45am, despite the fact that they had to be at church at 7:45am. We felt horrible, as we lost track of time, and had no idea they needed to be up so early.

I hope you enjoy the pictures. I thought if any picture was snapped, I would have a fake, plastic smile, but in those moments...they were true, real, and felt so great!

For those who aren't addicted to the 'train wreck' of a show Jersey Shore, we were the characters DJ Pauly D and JWOWW.

My cousin Erin, Dave and I.

I know this one may be a little too much for some of your taste, but we worked hard on these shorts, and I didn't want that work to go unnoticed =)


  1. You are one hot mama and papa! SOOO glad you got out and had some fun!!!!

  2. Looks like fun! I got teary eyed reading you made the appointment for Kama to be put to sleep. I had to go thru that with both of my cats. I cried all day which gave me a killer headache like you described you had. My 2nd cat I couldn't even go with to be there. Way to hard. We love our fur babies!! Hugs to you and Kama. I know this is extemely tough.

  3. I hated the first half of your post but LOVED LOVED LOVED the Halloween party part!!! I'm so glad you were able to let loose, party and have FUN!!!

  4. sooo there with you. it's hard to be in this situation that you find yourself. trust in your heart that you are doing the best you can and kama's love for you is unconditional.

    and on the flip side of the coin. so VERY GLAD you got a little respite from the stress & strains you are living......i know you needed it

    and the pictures DO show your real smile & laughter ......a brief distraction is a distraction none-the-less....

    ((((HUGS))))) <3 ~j

  5. girl, you got it, you flaunt it. you totally rock the hot pants. hilarious.

    but on a more serious note, i've been lurking watching the unfolding with kama. my heart goes out to you. i'm so very very sorry and will send good thoughts for her recovery and comfort.


  6. my heart goes out to you & dave.. hoping Kama is having a better day..

    BTW- great costumes, glad you were able to get out & play for a while..

  7. Oh God, Jenn. I don't know the show at all, but Jersey Shore had better watch out. I'll bet you guys look better than THEY do! What a great break you had from the current overload of heartache and despair. And maybe - just maybe - today you'll get your miracle! You're in my prayers all the time!

  8. Oh I hope they are right. I am with you I cannot stand to see something suffer, and Kama who you love so deeply, just heartbreaking.
    I am too nervous to go and and see if Maya's beloved kitten is still alive. He managed to eat mouse poison, which is my fault, and I am just hoping that the vitamin K pill to help his blood clot is working.
    I LOVED the pictures, I don't watch the show but by Dave's awesome posing I get the drift. The last picture was awesome and so funny.

  9. I am sorry that your day was filled with turmoil, but I am happy that your night was a blast! You did make the right decision with Kama and you also make the right decision to go the party and escape for awhile. Your costumes were perfect and you guys looked great! How fun!!!!!

  10. Wow...what um...uh...wowww!!

    But need to dig deep in your heart and listen...I mean really LISTEN to Kama. Look for "the sign." If she's telling you it's time, you need to own up to it and let her go. Make that sacrifice for her, not for you.

    Hugs and prayers!