tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9680223251491687582024-03-18T07:25:55.657-07:00The Long and Winding RoadJenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02455367671890571478noreply@blogger.comBlogger1121125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-968022325149168758.post-520671430060464212020-01-02T19:45:00.002-08:002020-11-25T12:33:04.910-08:00For the Elf in You<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" style="font-size: 16px;">
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">With a feeling, the times, and families we alter Aviana's Elves and each year because of you—grow. The reason to give may vary but what seems similar is seeing people as people, feeling their struggle, sharing in the overwhelm and giving with a lifted spirit in return.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">A heartfelt thank you because each year we watch donations extend a helping hand, lift the weight, lighten shoulders, bring smiles, and warm cold homes and bodies. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Your donations feed healthy snacks and dinner. They provide educational books, laughter around board games and outside activity so parents can focus on important tasks at work and around the house.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Although we shopped physically—boxes arrived constantly. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">A big thank you to The Spanier and </span>Prero<span style="font-family: inherit;"> family for shopping. Thank you also for front door delivery! We can't tell you how much we appreciate and loved seeing gifts through your eyes </span><span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , "new york" , "times" , serif; font-size: 16px;">♥️✨</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">We knew there were only four families this year but four in need, so with emphasis. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">We had offers to help wrap (thank you!) but thought we could handle the amount on our own.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">By the time deliveries were made, we were d.o.n.e. with wrapping! </span><br />
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But wait, what about our family and friend gifts 😆 Back to tape, scissors, and paper.</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small; text-align: center;">Things got wild and somehow spidered to every leg of our house.</span><span style="font-size: small; text-align: center;"> </span></span></div>
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I'm happy my brother was visiting to box one night.</div>
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Jeff - box/label<br />
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Dave - box/wrap/no label (illegible writing)<br />
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Me - wrap/ribbon/label<br />
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We've never ribboned all the gifts before. I thought, four families, "<i>I can do it</i>!" Towards the end, I wanted to but couldn't stop because the gift looked bare in comparison 🌲<br />
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Rainey & Halen - Entertain and look cute.<br />
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Midway through, Rainey and her cousin Halen tuckered out.</div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , "new york" , "times" , serif; font-size: 16px;"><b><i>Our hope was to bring Aviana's Elves internationally, yet closer to home. </i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , "new york" , "times" , serif; font-size: large; text-align: start;">Thank you for helping us realize our dream, in a </span><span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , "new york" , "times" , serif; font-size: x-large; text-align: start;">big</span><span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , "new york" , "times" , serif; font-size: large; text-align: start;"> way!</span><span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , "new york" , "times" , serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , "new york" , "times" , serif;"><i>We purchased every item and more on the lists and donated to Laos too.</i></span></div>
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This year for the family gift we made gift bags including warm hands and toes, Godiva Ferrero Rocher and Ghirardelli chocolates, Pokey sticks and Yan Yan, cookies, our letter, gift cards, and I can't remember what else...<br />
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<strike>A little </strike>about each family.</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">On a cold snowy Saturday night, we had mom and the girls over for dinner. While mom, Dave and I were busy in the kitchen making chow mein, the girls chose Rudolph, gymnastics, Frosty the Snowman, Spot It, all the while bouncing around with Rainey. After dinner we made triple chocolate chip cookies, hot chocolate, and fresh whipped cream from scratch. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The girls are please, thank you, hugs and kisses, goofy, and rough and tumble. In their own unique way, each is perfect. And so is mom. Our home is filled with fun and love but that night, the girls energy reminded of what we try hard to remember... and forget. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">They stayed late and K fell asleep on the drive home. I couldn't stop staring at her in the rearview mirror and picked her up out of the backseat, handing her to mom who laid her on the couch. Next for dinner, the girls want to stay the night. We want too because physically and emotionally where one can't the other can. And isn't that what a </span>reciprocal<span style="font-family: inherit;"> relationship, a friendship, and giving is about. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">While the girls were at school, I delivered the gifts the week before Christmas. Mom was overwhelmed by the amount of gifts and generosity. She handed me a beautiful plant, card, and two framed pictures of the girls. Through Google translate, she's written a lot about God's blessing, how grateful they are and how the girls wanted to give the pictures as a souvenir.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The day they opened gifts, she sent many attempted videos and pictures but the majority didn't come out.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">We delivered on a cold night. JD answered the door. What a kind and good looking dad. He was in the middle of cooking dinner for his son, who was sitting close by on the bed. I used the little Spanish I know trying to tell JD how good his cooking smelled, but quickly learned he and his son speak little English. Two and two came together in his need for pots, pans, and silverware.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dave and I made about three trips back and forth filling their place with gifts. We suddenly felt awkward in taking so much of the little space they had. Much of our communication was in body language. J D had a sweet and grateful demeanor. We thanked him too and wished he and his son Feliz Navidad.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">As we drove away, tears fell fast. I was unsure why, so on the short drive to our next family tried to answer my own question while pulling myself together. The tears were for this father cooking a warm meal on a cold night for his son. For a new and uncertain life in a different country than their own. For two making their way together. For being separated from their family for a "better" life. For how challenges vary greatly for people. For sharing time with them, if only for moments and although we couldn't communicate verbally.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I later spoke to, Adela, the translator who graciously helps us and these families dearly. We were deeply entrenched in conversation about the delivery of each family. She let me know how J D is so involved, how much he loves his son, and how he attends classes on nutrition. She also let me know when she inquired about "needs" J D's answer was "two forks, two spoons, a pot, and two glasses." I didn't think my heart could melt further for this man and his son, but it did. I heard glasses. That was new to me, so we're going to purchase them and soon drop them by.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">We drove from JD's to this family. M opened the door, right as Dave was about to knock. M holds the record for cutest jumpy scared person I've ever seen. She invited us in and we introduced ourselves to K and E. E invited us to have a seat on the couch, "Oh thank you, but we'll be right back with some gifts." As we we're stacking gift upon gift, K appeared and offered help. As she was walking, she slipped on ice. I'm still unsure how she caught herself and the gifts she was carrying. Quite bendy. After many trips, the couch and most of a bed was full of gifts. While M was busy making dinner in the kitchen, E motioned to a two person kitchen table and offered tea. We thanked him but declined. After talking with K, M, and E for a short time, Dave and I were off to dinner.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">In retrospect, I think we maybe should've accepted their offer to sit, visit, have tea. The truth is, I'd hit a wall and had a one track veg at dinner brain.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I've run back to the house two more times for late arrival books, so Google translate's opened conversation. M's a sweetheart and they make a beautiful family. M texts expressing their gratitude, while I thank her for opening her home. While leaving gifts, K's fluent in English, so we've had many conversations about school and her family back home. I feel deeply for how they are separated from their family, culture, and are unable to visit, celebrate the holidays, but instead focuses on what she has here. I admire her bright outlook. She's a doll, just like her sister. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">From talking to Adela (our translator) mom reminds me of our nephew's mom and my brother. She seems to struggle and isn't easy to get a hold of or pin down. For that reason and just like our nephew, her son D suffers the consequences. At the same time, I see how our nephew grew fast and learned quick. He retains those early lessons in his every day life today. I hope D follows in our nephews footsteps.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">On the second time delivering D's gifts to the elementary school, Adela took me to meet him. D was on his way from P.E. back to class. He's a cutie. Fresh from Guatemala, we exchanged few words, but I could imagine him in the clothes we chose and zooming down the street on the lime green bike and black helmet. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Adela called the second to last day of school and explained they had yet to reach mom for pick up or delivery. The principal and staff bounced ideas and came up with throwing a party for D on the last day, surrounded in students, letting him open his gifts. She wondered if I was okay with that. Of course! I wasn't able to make the party, but wondered how he would take his gifts home. They were going to put as many as would fit in his backpack.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">We've been thinking about this little, hoping he's having a good break. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><i>Laos</i></span></div>
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All those gifts and we still had a substantial amount for Laos too!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Andrew's appreciative and thanks us again for our kind and wonderful efforts.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">He asked if we'd like him to use the funds towards sponsoring a child in the nursery or to support the milk program at the orphanage. I thought both sounded great, so let him know whichever program's most in need.</span><br />
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On our way to the airport leaving Laos last February, we spoke with our driver, Ouseng, about how best to help in Laos. His answer looped to Andrew. </div>
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Early last year, I asked Ouseng if he could send pictures of the students that to share with donors.</div>
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He included all.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"></span> There are so many videos of Andrew and the great work he does in Laos. Here's <a href="https://youtu.be/6g885tCcLhc">one</a> of many.</div>
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~ Our letters were on thick light blue textured card stock this year ~</div>
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Ahhh... it's too dark to take the picture and the scan came out black and white (ick)! I'll replace this with a better one soon, but can't let one more day go by.</div>
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This letter is long overdue. Thank you for your patience. The donations you give mean so much to us, to our families. We witness the affect in a variety of ways. What I've written barely scratches the surface of what these eyes see, so I struggle with how much to include in the final letter. I want to write a lot, but know it's a lot. </div>
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When the heart speaks the body moves, so our path shifted this year. With these families and Laos, all is well in mind, body and spirit.</div>
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Together we did so much!</div>
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We love you,</div>
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Dave, Jen & Rainey </div>
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"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others" </div>
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- Ghandi</div>
Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02455367671890571478noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-968022325149168758.post-83086345792780730462019-10-25T09:43:00.001-07:002019-10-25T10:21:33.648-07:00Aviana's Elves<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0px;">
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Dave and I were talking about the ways Aviana’s Elves has changed and evolved over the past nine years with hospital care packages, the homeless shelter, Acts for Avi, hospice, Aviana's Peeps, and caring for the students within our community. Your empathy, love, and kindness has touched the hearts and caused ear-to-ear uplift to more people than we’ll ever know. Most of all, our hope for these gifts and cards is an underlying, “we see you. We care. You are not alone.”<br />
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Over the past couple years, matters of the soul coupled with sizing issues caused internal stir. Who felt the sway? When the heart speaks, the brain and body should follow. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Starting with Guatemala, it’s been a dream to take Aviana’s Elves international. After looking into the details, translation and safety caused us to postpone for the year.<br />
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The week before a January trip to Laos and Thailand, we wondered about this year, but everything happens if you let it, and happened it did.</div>
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Have you been to Laos? Visiting a predominant Buddhist country was a dream fulfilled. Of all our travels, Dave and I have never been so graciously moved by a country and culture. Through hotels, restaurants, stores, and coffee shops—there were kind quiet voices. In the midst of busy outdoor markets, there was tranquility, along with warm smiling faces. What a difference in never being asked to purchase a product. Actually the opposite, I inquired about bamboo straws and a beautiful girl with a glowing smile (and being) answered my question then followed with, “… but you don’t have to buy them.”</div>
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<o:p> </o:p>The kids are bright-eyed and eager to learn. They proactively engage for the sake of conversation and thanked us for letting them practice their English. </div>
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<span style="text-align: start;">We couldn’t stop thinking of and talking about the inherent good in the people and their children. </span>Our minds spun with the pride they have and take in their heritage, food, each other, and environment. Dave and I spoke of how we’ve never experienced an undercurrent of such peace and love, which is mind-boggling in light of their history and extreme poverty. </div>
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If not familiar with <a href="https://abcnews.go.com/International/americas-secret-war-laos-uncovered/story?id=41968017" style="font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;">The</a><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span><a href="http://legaciesofwar.org/about-laos/secret-war-laos/" style="font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;">Secret</a><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span><a href="https://www.economist.com/books-and-arts/2017/01/21/americas-secret-war-in-laos" style="font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;">War</a><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">- from 1964 to 1973, the U.S. dropped the equivalent of a planeload of bombs every eight minutes, 24-hours a day, for nine years, making Laos the most heavily bombed country per capita in history.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">- 30% of the bombs dropped did not explode and to this day, 40 years later, are armed and active. Tens of thousands of Laotian people have been killed or maimed. Because the bombs look like toys, they are tossed around before exploding, so 40% of the victims are children.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">- since 80% of the people depend on their land to eat and live, the Lao people have no choice but to risk their lives working in the fields covered in unexploded bombs.</span></div>
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<b><i>Extreme Poverty:</i></b><br />
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- 44% of Lao children under 5 years old are affected by stunting, a highly common condition in Laos. Stunting is caused my maternal undernutrition before and during pregnancy. </div>
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- this <a href="http://montpelierfoundation.org.uk/index.php/support-lao-children-2/">video</a> is older, but still speaks about the state of the children in Lao orphanages.</div>
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- one of the main people helping the children in Laos is Andrew. He's an everyday angel who's done wonders. I frequent his <a href="http://www.supportlaochildren.com/">sight</a> and have been in direct contact inquiring about target needs.</div>
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<span style="font-family: "cambria"; font-size: 16px; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="font-family: "cambria"; text-indent: 0px;">I lay awake thinking about what I read, then those we met along the way. T</span><span style="font-family: "cambria"; text-indent: 0px;">hese people have and continue to experience daily hardship. Basic needs aren't being met, yet as a culture their attitude reflects otherwise. </span></div>
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Being in their country is otherworldly, as smiling, treating people with respect, a light heart, and a wicked sense of humor is second nature. We carry their positive energy, presence, and easy going way of life the best we can. Because of their continual love, this year’s Aviana’s Elves came clear, so I researched how to give, then asked around. We and our close friends Dave and Kim visited four days but wished to stay, revisit, and above all help.<br />
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Need is high this year and stretch borders. Some believe we should care for those within our country first. Because Aviana was from outside the United States, our pull is to help those we see in dire need when traveling internationally, but of course, within our community too.</div>
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We have an influx of Guatemalan refugee families in our town. We're grateful to have three for Aviana's Elves, so far. You're familiar with one very special family from last year. Yes, the mother and two sweet little girls =) </div>
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We have lots of meaningful change happening—making for a more effective Aviana’s Elves. I've decided to meet with our mom's to help determine exact need, so hopefully zero donations run amiss in sizing. If that means taking mom and the girls shopping (lack of transportation) and so on, we'd love to.<br />
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I'm sorry to take so much of your time, but we value and think deeply about how and where your/our donations are best utilized.<br />
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There's so much need in the world, so with each change, understand the want or desire to follow in another direction. Goodwill is goodwill and sharing love continues to make our world spin in an uplifting way. <o:p></o:p><br />
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Boy is it time to end this post. I have more informative donation details but after the haunting holiday!</div>
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✨ ♥️✨ </div>
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Jen & Dave<o:p></o:p></div>
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P.S. Can you believe we got started right after last year's end and this email is <i>this</i> late? Change can be a ton of work.<br />
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P.S.S. WE LOVE YOU!!!</div>
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Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02455367671890571478noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-968022325149168758.post-19166922416518941132018-12-18T18:15:00.001-08:002020-11-25T12:34:49.765-08:00Thank you<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A change was stirring. For the past year, ideas swirled. For the protection of our students and a further push on quality, my vision was to bring Aviana's Elves closer to home.</div>
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Families are chosen with a careful eye and heart. Needs are important, but wants are too. This year, hearing more from our families was central. What are their interests? What are their favorite colors? Where do they shop? Grocery shop?<br />
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As far back as I can remember, if my mom, dad, or Gary hurt, I hurt too. Children are resilient, but sensitive too. For this reason, we think it's important for parents to feel our love, but for their kids to see them cared for too. Parenting is magical, but dang is it difficult too. Instead of a family gift or shirt only, we included our parents in a more meaningful way this year. <br />
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Aviana's Elves grabs my heart in a different way each year. This one holds a place because although separate, we shifted together and for our families. You shopped in record numbers! The boxes on our doorstep and at our post office were filled with warm blankets, hand picked books, journals, games, toys, painting supplies, essential oil blends, and clothes. Donations were abundant and used for the purchase of thick encyclopedia books filled with animals for J, tiny clothes and diapers for the triplets, Spiderman colors for E, five wanted and needed fry pans for our mommas, warm gloves, snow pants, jackets, and boots for too many kids to count, basketball clothes and snacks for W, and much more! We basked in your cards, your letters, in Aviana's name hand written over and over by you - the people we love most. The more time that passes, the less she's talked about, so I'll never be able to tell you how much you mean.<br />
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With so many people in need around the globe, we thank you for helping us while helping our families.<br />
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The majority of gifts are delivered to the middle school and picked up throughout the week. This year we took two Tahoe Lake Elementary families. We delivered straight to their homes. This was different for us. Because one of the families recently arrived from Guatemala and the two little girls were part of a school program I worked over the summer, I really wanted them as part of Aviana's Elves.<br />
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We knocked on their door. A Guatemalan momma with a warm smile greeted us; her adorable daughters hovered behind. M speaks little English, but gestured for us to come inside. We introduced ourselves then handed her what gifts we carried thus far. With what remains of my three years of middle and high school Spanish, I let her know we'd be back with more. As with many Spanish speaking families, their children help translate. On the second trip, I turned from resting the gifts on the table to find K with her arms wrapped tight around Dave's legs, thanking him. To see Dave hugging this small Guatemalan beauty both melted and broke my heart.<br />
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Aviana's Elves works in dichotomous ways, but the good always outweighs the hard.<br />
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The warmth of this family and their home. The girls bouncing the room with their mom beaming. K counting row after row of her gifts, "uno, dos, tres, quatro..." Dave and I captured and forever tucked these memories away.<br />
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Eight years ago, I crossed the hardwood and hopped onto the computer in a low and desperate holiday moment. In hopes of lifting my spirit, I threw an idea into the screen. You responded. And keep coming back. I sit in awe. By you. By the families who thank us. All I can do is <span style="color: #660000;">thank you</span>. And <span style="color: #660000;">them</span> because selfishly we've been gifted far more than we give. <br />
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Wishing you peace.<br />
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Our love always,<br />
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Dave, Jen & Rainey<br />
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Sprinkles of Rainey</div>
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The boxing begins.</div>
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We start overtaking other rooms of the house ; )</div>
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Rainey loves to help. We're in a constant vacuum, vacuum, vacuum cycle.</div>
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Upstairs takeover. The Spaniers are on their way to wrap = )</div>
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The four of us wrapped just about all these boxes...<br />
with a little help from Dave's old fashioneds.</div>
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♥️ Delivery Day ♥️</div>
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The presents overflowed this room, but I forgot to take a picture of the other.</div>
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The gift cards were divided into the family envelopes.</div>
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Along with this.</div>
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A letter was included in each envelope too.</div>
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It was on colored texture paper, but for some reason when I scanned the letter the last time it showed stark white. Blah ; /</div>
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Family envelopes</div>
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There wasn't any messy hair this year (okay, maybe a little). </div>
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Behind every purchase, boxed, wrapped, and delivered gift, there was peace. </div>
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How blessed we are to have people like Dora, Marcy, Maria, Jamie, and Adela. They found our families and gathered what matters most. And to deliver the gifts, a big thank you to Dora, Marcy, Liz and Terri.<br />
You're our eyes and heart.</div>
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😘</div>
Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02455367671890571478noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-968022325149168758.post-74427074016477202322018-10-04T22:37:00.001-07:002018-10-05T09:26:00.963-07:00Through the Years<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Cambria; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Hi All -</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I hope you are loving fall! Please tell me all about it! I'm surrounded by bats, cobwebs, skeletons and rain, so couldn't be happier. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I wrote an entire email about this year's Aviana's Elves, then pulled pictures from the past. In attaching a few, I realized my stories rang just as true then as today, so erased all that I wrote</span><span style="font-family: "cambria";">.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "cambria";"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "cambria";">Now I'm finished and <i>whoa!</i> is this post verbose (can you tell I've been practicing vocabulary with the students : ). </span><br />
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<b style="font-family: cambria;"><span style="font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 16pt;">2011</span></b></div>
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We delivered to Kaiser and UC Davis today!</div>
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Ninety gift boxes were given, with thirty more for Sutter to go :o)</div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 16pt;">2012<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #3b2815; font-family: "bookman old style";">Sometimes you can pinpoint a moment in time. This was it. This was the exact moment that changed Aviana's Elves for this year. It was on this crisp, cold Christmas Eve night. It was this man, with this dog, wearing his cute little red and green striped sweater, on this corner. He was so sweet and thankful for the bag of doughnuts he just received.<br /><br />I've given food, money and dog bones to many homeless - but there was something about this interaction that stayed with me throughout the entire year. Something that pulled at me. I saw something in him, in them...<br /><br />I don't know what's in store for the future of Aviana's Elves, but what I do know is this - it will always be drawn in the design of helping those most in need. It makes perfect sense. If you look to Aviana's Guatemalan background combined with the ways in which I've always felt compelled to give, all the pieces fall into place.<br /><br />We will follow where the need is greatest...always.</span><span style="font-family: "bookman old style";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 16pt;">2013<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 16pt;"><b> </b>I</span><span style="color: #3b2815; font-family: "georgia" , "times" , serif; font-size: 17.030000686645508px;"> decided to order a bunch of pizzas and have them sent to the local firehouse on Halloween because I knew that day was her favorite. My husband is a fireman, so they hold a special place in my heart. I included a letter of why the pizzas were being sent along with Avi's blog address so they could see how special Aviana was. </span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 16pt;">- </span></b><i style="caret-color: rgb(59, 40, 21); color: #3b2815; font-family: Georgia, Times, serif; font-size: 17.030000686645508px;">Alex Infante</i></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 16pt;">2014</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style";"><span style="color: #3b2815; font-family: "georgia" , "times" , serif; font-size: 17.030000686645508px;">The purpose of Aviana's Elves is to bring those who may be going through a difficult time a sliver of light. If only for a moment, we want to let them know someone is thinking of them. </span> </span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 16pt;">2015</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 16pt;">I know each donation holds personal meaning. One may be in honor of a mother who's missed in not just every inhale, but exhale too. Another may represent a father who passed all too suddenly. For another, this gift may represent a sister who's thought of and remembered in every phase of life, or for a son who was the very center of a family's world. We understand these donations are multifaceted and for the single or many reasons you've gifted us/them - we thank you.</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 16pt;">2016</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 16pt;">Aviana's Peeps</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">For all the years of Aviana's Elves, it's been <i>you</i> holding and lifting us through the holidays. And now <i>because of you</i>, we've been given this opportunity. A trifecta of helping, sharing our girl, and healing.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #fce5cd;"><a href="https://www.sierrasun.com/entertainment/activities-events/tahoe-locals-donate-gift-baskets-for-avianas-peeps/" style="font-family: "bookman old style";">https://www.</a><a href="https://www.sierrasun.com/entertainment/activities-events/tahoe-locals-donate-gift-baskets-for-avianas-peeps/" style="font-family: "bookman old style";">for-avianas-peeps/</a><a href="https://www.sierrasun.com/entertainment/activities-events/tahoe-locals-donate-gift-baskets-for-avianas-peeps/" style="font-family: "bookman old style";">sierrasun.com/entertainment/activities-events/tahoe-locals-donate-gift-baskets-</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">With a host of issues in their homes, I witness the struggle. I feel their pain. I understand that hard mixes with happy, and love has the ability to carry, but still, don't parents intrinsically want the best and most for their children?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Basic needs come first. When hungry, students aren't able to concentrate as well. When cold, they're less communicative. The need is here - for food, for warm clothes, for someone to understand. In my opinion, the kindness and love from others will lift and carry them further than we'll ever know.</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 16pt;">2017</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And in their names, we find solace in why we give. Whether it's in honor of the one we miss. Because it feels good. For those we're grateful to be with now. For our families, plain and simple. For your own reason, thank you for joining with ours and making this a truly meaningful time of year.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">***</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">By way of clothing, games, gift cards, holiday meals, urgent or unexpected requests, acts of kindness, and cash donations - thank you for many years of LOVE!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Need, it never goes away. It's abundant, so we give, but boy are we ready to give BIG! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">If you are too...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> Packages can be sent to:</span><br />
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Aviana's Elves<br />
c/o Dave or Jen Hodder</div>
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4150 Robert Ave. #4<br />
Carnelian Bay, Ca 96140</div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Gift cards or cash donations can be mailed to:</span></div>
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Aviana's Elves<br />
c/o Dave or Jen Hodder</div>
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P.O. Box 4<br />
Carnelian Bay, Ca 96140</div>
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If including a cash donation, you can make the check out to: </div>
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Aviana's Elves or David or Jennifer Hodder.</div>
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If you have any questions or would like to donate through Paypal, </div>
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you can contact us directly at -</div>
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homesweettahoe@yahoo.com</div>
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For delivery shopping and delivery purposes, if you can please send donations by </div>
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the end of November!</div>
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Thank you for thinking of us once again! </div>
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Our first family is from <i>Guatemala!</i> They arrived recently and include a single mother and two daughters. I worked at a summer program the girls attended and they are a dream. They're sweet and smart. One is in first grade and the other fifth. I have so much to say, but for now - Guatemala and my heart is full 💗<br />
More to come on sizes, etc.<br />
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Our love to you all!<br />
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Dave, Jen & Rainey</div>
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Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02455367671890571478noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-968022325149168758.post-77936302176604106872018-06-17T11:43:00.002-07:002018-08-14T10:16:28.377-07:00Today<div style="text-align: center;">
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Long before Aviana knew Dave, </div>
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he loved her. </div>
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After meeting, </div>
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he soon gained her trust.</div>
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From then on... they were inseparable.</div>
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Dave was enamored by his little.</div>
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If they weren't watching basketball or a show about woolly mammoths, </div>
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they were making up their own games.</div>
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Then <a href="http://www.avianareese.us/2009/06/worst-day-of-our-lives.html">nine years</a> ago <a href="http://www.avianareese.us/2013/06/today.html">today</a>, life changed. We changed. </div>
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But the love did not, and only grew.</div>
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Our roles changed.</div>
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And life became more about survival,</div>
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therapy,</div>
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and quality.</div>
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With deeper meaning, </div>
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perspective,</div>
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and appreciation.</div>
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Even if only for a small amount of time, I'm grateful to have seen Dave with Aviana. Through our best and most challenging days, he rose and shined for our girl. I'll forever love and respect his devotion to Aviana, Kama, Rainey, my family, and me.</div>
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To dads who are here and those who've lost - my love today and always.</div>
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And to my dad and Gary...</div>
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♥️ </div>
Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02455367671890571478noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-968022325149168758.post-65256968410707767602018-04-24T15:34:00.000-07:002018-04-25T09:07:46.980-07:00♥️ Rainey ♥️We opened our eyes to Rainey's birthday! Our morning was filled with kisses, stories of the night she was born (to us ; ), and a breakfast of scrambled eggs with Canadian bacon, mushrooms, and cheese for she and Dave. And we still have the afternoon and night to love on our love.<br />
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Isn't my mom strange; she thinks Dave and I are over the top, to the point of annoying Rainey. We say no way.</div>
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She's our world,</div>
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And deserves to be treated as such.</div>
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<a href="http://www.avianareese.us/2014/07/she-saved-us.html">http://www.avianareese.us/2014/07/she-saved-us.html</a><br />
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<a href="http://www.avianareese.us/2015/02/and-she-loved-her.html">http://www.avianareese.us/2015/02/and-she-loved-her.html</a><br />
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♥️ ♥️ ♥️</div>
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Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02455367671890571478noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-968022325149168758.post-45890666279972813072018-04-22T22:03:00.000-07:002018-04-22T22:06:34.156-07:00Happy and Sad<b><i>Written: Late 2012</i></b><br />
<br />
As we walk into your room and find you just the way we left you from the night before.<br />
<br />
As we cover your sweet face with too many kisses to count.<br />
<br />
As we change your diaper.<br />
<br />
As we pull a cute shirt over your head and add some adorable shorts to match.<br />
<br />
As we comb your hair into side by side buns atop your head.<br />
<br />
As we support your wobbly neck, while carrying you down the hall for breakfast.<br />
<br />
As we feed you bite after bite by hand.<br />
<br />
As we clean your face, remove your bib, and position you so as not to tip or fall.<br />
<br />
As we pick you back up and carry you to your room.<br />
<br />
As your teeth are brushed and your braces are 1, 2, 3 strapped to each leg.<br />
<br />
As you are carried to the garage (careful to avoid hitting your long body on walls and doorways ; )<br />
<br />
As each strap is pulled over you and buckled into the wheelchair, off we go to the park.<br />
<br />
As day turns to night and you are calmed, your face wiped from each seizure.<br />
<br />
As you are bathed.<br />
<br />
As your hair is carefully (your head is more fragile by the day) washed and dried.<br />
<br />
As any remaining moisture is dried from each finger, toe, and crease to prevent skin breakdown.<br />
<br />
As the pillow pet is strategically placed between your legs to prevent crossing in the night.<br />
<br />
As books are read and twinkle turtle and little lady are illuminated.<br />
<br />
As kisses and kisses keep coming.<br />
<br />
We are happy to care for your every need.<br />
<br />
While at the very same time...<br />
<br />
Sad.Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02455367671890571478noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-968022325149168758.post-495217015291462462018-04-21T09:05:00.004-07:002018-04-21T09:08:18.763-07:00Interactions<b><i>Written: 2011</i></b><br />
<br />
Do you think she'll ever talk? Walk? Smile? What do you think her future will look like? What will happen to Aviana if you and Dave die before her?<br />
<br />
People wonder. It's natural to ask questions.<br />
<br />
In the beginning, I'd tumble night after night down the same dark and desperate rabbit hole. With Maggy's help, I learned to push these thoughts to "if" they happen. I try and do the same with any questions.<br />
<br />
The exception is Aviana outliving us. Legally and logistically, our plans are in place, but the thought terrifies me. In those moments, Maggy's face and voice find and dry my eyes. Instead, I concentrate on my coffee, making the next sound for Aviana, or Rainey resting on her paw. Anything, but what may never happen.<br />
<br />
In my former life, I planned and worried, as if they were hobbies. Through trial and error, Maggy, and a ton of practice, I plan and worry<i> only if</i> <i>necessary, </i>then live.<br />
<br />
Life, people, and priorities shift, so my time and energy are better spent on who and what's in front of me.<br />
<br />
As it turns out, this way of living is so much better for me. Who would've thought; definitely not me!<br />
<br />
<b><i>It's interesting, what started out of survival is how I live today. The issues are now smaller, but the skill set's in place.</i></b>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02455367671890571478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-968022325149168758.post-34865232108469418792018-04-19T22:04:00.002-07:002018-04-19T22:06:58.995-07:00Understood<div style="text-align: left;">
I'm guessing the file called "drafts" has always been accumulating nine years of my (not so) random thoughts. I never saw these thirty-nine posts until last night. Now that I have, I want to (from oldest to newest) make them part of the actual blog.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
***</div>
<br />
<i><b>Written: December 20, 2010</b></i><br />
<br />
I finally understand why people do the things they do.<br />
<br />
I understand why some turn to alcohol.<br />
<br />
Or gamble.<br />
<br />
I understood why there are drug addicts.<br />
<br />
Excessive shopping is no longer a mystery.<br />
<br />
I understand why people cut to dull internal pain.<br />
<br />
I understand walls so high no one can reach inside.<br />
<br />
Grabbing a blanket and pulling it over makes perfect sense.<br />
<br />
Isolating is understandable.Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02455367671890571478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-968022325149168758.post-89406258416278640952018-03-31T09:51:00.000-07:002018-03-31T09:51:27.662-07:00Long Live<div style="text-align: center;">
Did you hear about the rose that grew</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
from a crack in the concrete?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Proving nature's law is wrong it </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
learned to walk without having feet.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Funny it seems, but by keeping its dreams,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
it learned to breathe fresh air.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Long live the rose that grew from concrete</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
when no one else ever cared.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
- Tupac Shakur</div>
Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02455367671890571478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-968022325149168758.post-68857118196898966212018-02-22T17:51:00.002-08:002018-03-24T19:25:57.230-07:00PerseveranceMy cousin, my first best friend. She's the one I fell out of my dad's truck for and ran through the forest to. Together we built elaborate forts, jarred pollywogs and caterpillars, then watched as they turned to frogs and butterflies.<br />
<br />
My cousin held me <a href="http://www.avianareese.us/2009/08/best-gift-ever.html">soft</a>, but strong when Aviana was hurt. When Avi died, Erin created the perfect <a href="https://vimeo.com/user15749911/in-memory-of-aviana">tribute</a>.<br />
<br />
When my cousin's mom <a href="http://www.avianareese.us/2009/06/my-aunt-paula.html">died</a>, I tried to hold her back.<br />
<br />
My cousin's a dreamer, but not the kind who stores them in her head or the sky. She brings them to life.<br />
<br />
My cousin, the keeper of the best in my childhood. My "Murder in the Dark" playing, raft toting, crawdad catching, wave and winter partner in life - yep, she authored her way to a <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Erin-Lyon/e/B01HSQH1R8/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_2?qid=1517604837&sr=8-2">three book deal</a>.<br />
<br />
My cousin, my first best friend - the one who set the bar for friends to follow - let me count the ways I admire you. Oh no! I ran out of fingers and toes. Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02455367671890571478noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-968022325149168758.post-30367603559637393922018-01-18T17:55:00.000-08:002018-01-18T17:58:17.466-08:00The OddsIt was two Christmases after Aviana died. Maybe three. I'd been substitute teaching for almost three months. For the last day before holiday break, a one on one with a resource student sounded perfect. And he was.<br />
<div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
For the grieving, a paper plan can unexpectedly smack. And on this day, it did.<br />
<br />
Middle schoolers are my sweet spot, but while in jammies, exchanging gifts, and watching Rudolf, they became too much. My head swirled, then split. My heart broke. Sad, because December had been pretty good, but here I was with not one of my "go-to" saves (think of the good - running water, transportation, heat, health, a good family, husband, Rainey... Think of those who have it worse...) working.<br />
<br />
I was stuck in a minute by minute of what I waited for and wanted to do with Aviana. An hour by hour of what I wished for her to experience.<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
I wanted to leave, but two live inside me; love and pain. Love usually wins, so instead I walked the movie lit classroom, asking the kids if they wanted more cookies, cake, or juice. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
At lunch, I breathed in and out, hoping to calm my head and make it through the rest of the day. On my way out of the break room, a card caught my eye. Pinned to the wall and above a sweet girl's face was the very same quote on my blog and underneath Aviana, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." I unpinned and read the back of the card. The family thanked the school for their support and remembrance of their daughter.<br />
<br />
Who was this girl? Who was this family who lost their girl? For whatever happened, my heart hurt. I wanted to know, but the day was much too festive to ask.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
After break I was in my friend Liz's office. There again was the card, but with a hand written Oct. 26th. I asked. Liz cried. She told me sweet stories about this smart girl. Because we'd just finished The Elves, Liz knew about Aviana. We spoke of the penciled date. That's when I told her that both our daughters died on the same day, same year. October 26, 2013. We stood, hugging each other in disbelief.<br />
<br />
Liz asked if it was okay if she connected me with the girl's mom. I said yes, but wondered because grief coupled with grief can work well or be a little awkward.<br />
<br />
This mom and I spoke, met, and became fast friends. Same with the four of us, and their son. Did you know Rainey's particular about her friends too? Well she's in love with a beagle. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Whether this mom and I, the four of us, or all together... I believe we were placed here for each other, because while in conversation, on a trip, or sharing dinners, there's a spoken or unspoken knowing. An understanding. It's a comfort I rarely feel and am eternally grateful for.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
In life, I'm unsure of the odds or balance, but what I have noticed, is when certain things are taken, others appear. This family is one of our greatest gifts, and was given at the perfect time. </div>
</div>
Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02455367671890571478noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-968022325149168758.post-75179505308482688992017-11-30T13:41:00.000-08:002017-11-30T13:41:01.898-08:00In BetweenSitting beside Aviana, I learned about silence. Since, I prefer the space between.Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02455367671890571478noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-968022325149168758.post-73056772803566683782017-06-11T09:38:00.002-07:002017-06-11T10:11:49.804-07:00In Her Own TimeSarah's a friend I rarely see or speak to, but hold as a best. Our daughters were <a href="http://www.avianareese.com/2009/06/from-sarahs-blog.html">best friends</a> too. Lily and Avi are both from Guatemala. Did they sense this somewhere deep inside? We'll never know. Although the two ran parallels, they differed in ways. Where Avi sprang, Lily hung back. The spark of their existence continued after the accident, <a href="http://www.avianareese.com/2011/10/plight-of-two-friends.html">but in reverse</a>.<br />
<br />
Sarah gifted us a book she and Lily loved called, "Ruby in Her Own Time." A story of ducks tells of a little one named Ruby who does everything last and in her own time, but when she does, she does brilliantly and beautifully!<br />
<br />
Dave and I spent many nights reading this book to Aviana. We too, loved Ruby. The story was a continual reminder of how Avi's recovery and life wasn't in our time, but in hers alone.<br />
<br />
When coming to Tahoe, things that once took moments suddenly turned into days, weeks, and sometimes months.<br />
<br />
Never had I been so unsure.<br />
<br />
Tiny tasks became insurmountable.<br />
<br />
Because of my heart, I almost lost my mind over a single sheet of paper. Aviana became my life's work, so my resume caused an upheaval.<br />
<br />
I sat, staring at the computer.<br />
<br />
"Without Aviana, what's the point of my resume." Tears dripped at the thought of sitting across from a stranger answering questions about my "experience." Because I wasn't ready, the cursor gobbled seven years of warmth, love, pain, life, and death.<br />
<br />
I sat, staring at the computer.<br />
<br />
To spare my heart, I left her off. I felt as empty as the page looking back at me.<br />
<br />
My mind waffled on what my soul knew.<br />
<br />
With soul decisions there's one answer for me. No matter how hard, I'll never deny Aviana's existence. So with a burst of energy the best, hardest, most worthwhile years of our lives went back on my resume.<br />
<br />
With Aviana here, it seemed I could do anything. With her gone, I wasn't sure where I belonged.<br />
<br />
After how far we'd come, I was shocked by how deeply I'd fallen away from functioning in normal life.<br />
<br />
I got through the resume, but because Dave knew I was struggling with the interview process, he suggested I substitute teach. With substitute teaching, I'd speak of Aviana only if I chose and felt comfortable.<br />
<br />
I wondered if I could work with kids, but knew Dave was onto something good. I started slow, taking only high school and continuation, which quickly spiraled into middle, special day class, resource, and elementary. I soon found my sweet spot in any class 4th grade and above.<br />
<br />
Before Aviana, I never had interest in working with kids. Because of her, the kids and schools have given me reason to get up in the morning.<br />
<br />
The spirals continue, but just as Ruby, Lily, and Aviana the same goes for me. To the places of this world... I'll get there, but with patience and in my own time.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/--eAOT_NHEeg/WTzMd4zCroI/AAAAAAAAM8o/uTXw4qJUdVogpC6yAn4TV-rKCAZz7NHEgCLcB/s1600/Ruby.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/--eAOT_NHEeg/WTzMd4zCroI/AAAAAAAAM8o/uTXw4qJUdVogpC6yAn4TV-rKCAZz7NHEgCLcB/s400/Ruby.jpg" width="300" /></a></div>
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<br />Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02455367671890571478noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-968022325149168758.post-17175301385586134002017-05-08T20:08:00.003-07:002017-05-08T20:14:22.671-07:00Golden SlumbersFor reasons I'm aware and those I'm not, I must get what's in, out. But where? I thought and decided here's the place. So I'll start. Or pick up. I actually have no idea where I'm going with this story. All I know is, in the end, I'd only just begun.<br />
<br />
I once lived a fairly normal existence. Scars were later worn proudly. Overnight, exterior ache bore inward and back into the normal flow of life I fell.<br />
<br />
Others worried about me. I shrugged it off, until later seeing what they saw. I grew to understand survival and struggled with the transition back into everyday life. <br />
<br />
If I wasn't the before me, or the me who cared for Aviana. Who was I? I kind of had a good idea of <i>who</i>, but hadn't a clue <i>where</i> I belonged or <i>how</i> to get there.<br />
<br />
I fumbled, wandering the forest. I was grateful to be back at the lake, but struggled with what to do with myself. What could be as important as taking care of Avi? To focus and because figuring took all my energy, I turned in. The last I wanted to speak of was more of <i>this</i>, so I either kept my mouth shut or saved it for Dave, Rainey, Aviana, God, or nature. They carried me through... but at times, this was a lot of weight for (Dave) few to carry.<br />
<br />
<br />Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02455367671890571478noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-968022325149168758.post-57041376897867710232016-10-26T06:10:00.001-07:002016-10-26T15:55:12.099-07:00The One I LoveNot long ago, Dave came home and said he had a song to play for me. The song was us. And she and me. As tears spilled, Dave asked if the song made me sad. No, the song is much more than sad. It feels like our story. Don't you love that about music?<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/kFy31b0x4qM" width="560"></iframe></div>
<br />
During the song, a memory flashed. One I'd forgotten. Not too long before the accident, we took Aviana to our friend's birthday party. Avi was happiest surrounded by food and people, so a big Mexican get together with homemade tamales, refried beans, and Spanish rice had her by the heart. As usual, she was all smiles while being fed and passed from one grinning guest to the next.<br />
<br />
When she made her first loop, I pulled her into my arms and onto the dance floor. We spun rounds and dipped dips. On the party crowded floor, it felt like she and me only. And in the song, she and me again.<br />
<br />
Listening a couple times without crying took months. But today, on the day I closed my eyes and watched her go...who knows.Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02455367671890571478noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-968022325149168758.post-61314424138286542022016-10-09T10:42:00.000-07:002016-10-09T10:54:41.427-07:00Dear DiaryThere was a time I couldn't speak, but to you I could.<br />
<br />
Back and forth I'd go, home and to the seven-floor building.<br />
<br />
Stuffed and stored,<br />
<br />
To you, I'd empty my day.<br />
<br />
While most slept, you were awake for how alone, but alive I felt.<br />
<br />
You understood how both could exist in the same breath.<br />
<br />
You held my hand through the worst,<br />
<br />
And smiled at our best.<br />
<br />
But then we lost her.<br />
<br />
And I clung.<br />
<br />
"If she's okay, then I am too."<br />
<br />
But that only carried me so far.<br />
<br />
And losing her became losing her again.<br />
<br />
I wondered how both could exist in the same breath.<br />
<br />
I was full of words,<br />
<br />
Yet none at all.<br />
<br />
I tired of my own voice,<br />
<br />
So I lost it.<br />
<br />
And myself too.<br />
<br />
To figure my life out,<br />
<br />
I turned in.<br />
<br />
While my nephew was recently back in Portugal I said,<br />
<br />
"Sometimes you have to go away to find yourself, Ash."<br />
<br />
Hmmm.<br />
<br />
Funny how when talking to him or students,<br />
<br />
I'm often speaking to myself.<br />
<br />
Yes, I had to go away.<br />
<br />
Have I found myself?<br />
<br />
More than before,<br />
<br />
But still taking each day as it comes.<br />
<br />
My Dearest Diary,<br />
<br />
I've missed you.<br />
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How are things, love?Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02455367671890571478noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-968022325149168758.post-3931294416830295592015-06-17T01:01:00.000-07:002015-08-11T11:14:09.108-07:00And in the End...It was a Wednesday, six years ago today. I watched those purple plaid shorts walk out of my life for the very last time. That day, I wanted to crumple over, but that was the first in a long string of days where something larger came, showing me that we can take far more than we ever thought possible.<br />
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Aviana had seven years. At times I count them. One, two, three, four, five, six, <i>seven</i>... An awfully small number. But then I think, I can safely say two things with absolute certainty, I had never learned more up until I met her, and won't ever learn as much until I die. I can also say that what I accomplished before Aviana and anything from here on out will pale in comparison to looking deep into her eyes <i>and respecting</i> <i>her wish</i> to exit this life and move on to another. I know, bold statements. But they're true. I look at Dave and have never been more proud of the two of us, for listening, being her voice, and for honoring her.<br />
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As I watched her walk out the door six years ago, I thought I knew a thing or two about difficult things. I was wrong. In teaching us, we were not only given a whole different perspective, but also released. We were freed from fear. I'm sure some who've lost tremendously can relate. In losing Aviana, the mystery was unraveled. Before I was a fraidy cat, too scared to speak of death, too terrified to hear the words about or from my parents especially, or to go sit or visit with people who've lost a loved one...I'm embarrassed to say, I wanted to run the other way. But because of Aviana, I'm more comfortable. She shows me that death is a part of life. Soon after the accident, we made sure to have a will and trust. Amongst other things, we<i> made sure</i> to clearly outline our own wishes should something as catastrophic occur. Because of her, I can now sit, visit, talk (to even my parents (!), listen, think about everyone close to me dying, and have completed my training to be a hospice volunteer - all with our girls at the forefront. On my way home from here or there, I sometimes cry, because one little girl made her momma grow up. She made it possible for me to do things I couldn't in the past. She made me understand that no matter how bad or sad a situation, we'll (I'll)<i> somehow</i> get through. And as bad as anything is, there's beauty somewhere. Thankfully in our time of need—family, friends, perfect strangers, and the small wonders of this earth were just above all that was awful and felt bad.<br />
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In recent years, I'm forever grateful that through God—Aviana and Kama have shown me this isn't the end.<br />
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I opened six years ago to avoid having to continuously speak about what happened to our family. My intention was to close soon after. Little did I know, a blinking line on a blank screen would become my saving grace, pulling me in and grounding my broken heart. For years I left my hopes and dreams for Aviana, fumbled my way through an 'anything but normal' life, and slathered the deepest depths of the beast known as brain injury.<br />
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I've decided to say goodbye. I want to especially thank each of you for caring for Aviana the way you have. You are truly some of the most loving people. You may never know how much you mean or have helped me through the years. I want to especially thank you for holding us through the holidays with Aviana's Elves. From my heart to yours...always.<br />
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If ever you'd like to say hi, our contact information is in the Aviana's Elves link.<br />
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We wish you peace and love,<br />
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Dave, Jen & Rainey<br />
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And in the end,<br />
the love you take is equal to the love you make.<br />
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~ The Beatles<br />
<br />Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02455367671890571478noreply@blogger.com49tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-968022325149168758.post-4747774377083529232015-06-15T09:41:00.000-07:002015-06-15T15:34:50.708-07:00I Dreamed A DreamI dream of her often, hurt and well. Within these dreams, I'm often times on the brink of waking, but fighting to stay.<br />
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During the adoption process, we were allowed to send four care packages. Everything had to fit within a one gallon sized ziploc bag. I wish you could have seen ours (and I imagine every adoptive family sending one of these). Dave has a reputation of maximizing every millimeter of space within a storage unit or U-haul, but in my eyes, this would be his <i>actual</i> greatest feat.<br />
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We'd go shopping for our girl, pick the sweetest and most adorable, and then I'd cycle through the arduous task of narrowing and laying out <i>the most precious</i> of all for him. I'd then <i>beg</i>, "Honey, <i>please</i> make them fit." With a plastic bag and a cozy litter of tiny onesies, a super soft blanket, plush animal shaped rattle toys, and a never to forget disposable camera, he'd sit in front of the game and let the folding and unfolding begin. I'd come and go, sometimes catching glimpses of a big poof with an odd rattle out. I'd be somewhere in the house and around the corner he'd come with the "thank God for a good zip on that bag" and nothing in hand. I'd laugh and cheer as if it were the happiest day. <i>And it was</i>, because this one-gallon plastic bag was our only <i>tangible</i> connection, the only <i>real</i> way for us to share all our love for a girl who felt a zillion miles away.<br />
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So in my dream this morning, we were at the airport, filling out forms with our puff of a care package. The man took out a list of cities in Guatemala. He asked where we were traveling? In unison and without looking at the paper, we answered, "Guastatoya."<br />
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We arrived in the town where Aviana was from; her foster family is in the home. Her foster mother, Gladys, tells us she's in the back room.<br />
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By this time, in my dream and in real life I could hear Dave getting ready in the bathroom. This has happened many times before, so I try and stay calm, but beg...<i>Please</i> let me stay. I need to see her.<br />
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Dave and I both have all the knowledge of everything that's happened to her, to us. We give one last look to each other and open the door. Aviana is lying on the bed. She's healthy, happy, <i>and smiling</i>. We run to her side. We hug and smother her in kisses. We both tell her how much we love her. We can't stop looking at her, touching her hair, and feeling her soft skin.<br />
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The clanking from the bathroom is demanding. It's pulling me from her. I try desperately to stay, <i>to keep holding her</i>, but I can't. I have no choice. I give in and open my eyes.<br />
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All ready for work, Dave walks out from the bathroom. He's used to my dreams. Although I'm sure he should be going, you wouldn't know it. I begin to tell him, once I get to a certain part, I break. He comes and sits on the edge of the bed. He rubs my legs, and listens. We sit in silence for a little, letting it all soak in.<br />
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He says, "If only we could have one more day." I admit that I don't think I'd want one. He asks, "Isn't that what your dream was about? Just having one more?" I'm unsure, but say one would never be enough. It would be a tease. I'd only want more.<br />
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We talk some more about Aviana and then he asks if I'm okay. I know it must not be easy for him to leave after I wake from these dreams, but I'm happy to have them. I'd rather feel her, than nothing at all.<br />
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I tell him I'm okay, and it's true. I am.Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02455367671890571478noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-968022325149168758.post-33169717179709556182015-06-14T22:13:00.000-07:002015-06-14T22:29:35.589-07:00By Hand<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Ash leads the way. With a sudden buzz to his head, it all began. One turns to many. We stand out in the open, our feet lodged in disbelief. As these miniature birds whiz back and forth, we stare. To them, to each other, and back at them. </div>
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Tentatively at first (so as not to get struck by a beeline) we walk to a woman who hands us each a feeder. One, two, and sometimes up to five hummingbirds zoom in and <i>fight</i> each other for a single serving...<i>from</i> <i>our hand</i>. </div>
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As I carefully swivel my guy, the years flash. Filling and hanging feeder after feeder. Stealing as many glances throughout the summer, and then, making sure to take those feeders down by Labor Day so as not to affect their migration. And now, I'm essentially holding one, two, four of these highly sought after creatures <i>at a time</i>.</div>
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As I drink him in, all has fallen away. He's highly expressive. Often times feisty, especially with his eyes. His tongue is surprisingly longer than the length of his beak! His colors are vibrant, but as they reach his tail feathers, fade to black. If another even thinks about jacking his sugar, he'll throw the wicked stare.</div>
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He's got me. I'm under his spell. I never want to leave. How can I? I might miss a flutter, a fight for food, another visit from the rare one of the bunch? </div>
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What to do? </div>
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The rainforest isn't a dangerous place to sleep at night, is it?</div>
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The stare down.<br />
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My nephew took some video in slow motion. If you turn your sound up you can hear them. </div>
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Yes, I'm in a trance.</div>
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These particular hummingbirds are really big. They're deep purple and black with white tail feathers underneath. They're gorgeous as they fly away.<br />
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They were the shyest of the bunch. They'd sit in the trees and only come down every so often. </div>
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My nephew was taking pictures of himself with the hummingbirds on his shoulder. I thought it a great idea. So when my dad saw me doing this...</div>
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He kicked it up a notch. Why not have one coming out my head! </div>
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The one on top of my head was the rarest of the bunch. We only saw this one that day. Feeding them was the best part of our trip. We couldn't resist and went back another day.<br />
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We never saw another like this again.</div>
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Compared to the others, this variety has a bent beak. </div>
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We were all holding our feeders how the woman showed us, which was by the bottom part. My dad decided to hold his like this. It was really neat because the hummingbirds would sometimes walk, or stand on our hands. There's nothing quite like the feeling of their tiny claws.</div>
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As you can see, when it's feeding time, the green ones mean business. </div>
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Until next time...because we <i>have</i> to go back to see them again.</div>
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❤️</div>
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Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02455367671890571478noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-968022325149168758.post-70288864802253627372015-06-09T08:20:00.001-07:002015-06-09T09:41:32.095-07:00Tilted<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Costa Rica. My dad's vacation of choice for quite sometime. For no particular reason, Costa Rica was off my radar. Had I known what this vacation was all about, I would've moved it to the <i>very top </i>of our list.<br />
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We were welcomed by a late night Costa Rican style drive to our hotel. By this I mean an on edge, back and forth (every man, woman, woman hold that baby tight, dog beware) through what we're told is one of the most beautiful mountain roads. My love of a good roller coaster relaxes me through the ride. I do however ask, "so do a lot of these dogs get hit?" Without missing a beat, our driver says, "The smart ones don't." Makes sense. It's obvious; the dogs have these streets <i>down</i>.<br />
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After arriving at our hotel, we can only imagine what's on the other side of the shadowy grounds.<br />
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The next morning I'm caught between sleep and a dream, or so I think. I open my eyes and listen. I'm torn. I want to run and see what's making all the noise, but also want to wait for Dave. I lie still, trying to decipher <i>what's</i> coming from <i>where</i>. I swear some are two distinct sounds simultaneously coming from one bird. My patience is wearing. I look to Dave. When he's out, <i>he's out</i>. I think about waking him? I got it, I'll accidentally nudge him, but <i>kind of</i> <i>hard</i>. No... He's much too peaceful. Here, he should wake naturally. I hop to and pull the curtain. Frozen. I stand and stare. Green everywhere, with swooping, sweeping, bursts of color. I slide each of the doors open. A cool breeze blows through our room. The bird sounds are now amplified. This is enough for Dave to wake and join me. As we look on at all that's happening, I smile back at the tiny vision I'd created from the night before.<br />
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Just as distinct as the sounds coming from the rainforest, so are the people of Costa Rica, or the Ticos as they call themselves. Yes, warm and welcoming like other places we've been... but there's something else. What is it? At first I'm unsure, however it's something I seek. Something when found, I stick to. Over and over, there it is. The quality I chase. Maybe at first I was on animal overload, but I finally see. The people are charismatic, yet calm. Conversation isn't just for the sake of conversation. When they ask a question, it's because they really want to know... not just to fill space. They truly care for your answer. They internalize your words and respond in kind. They say what they mean, and mean what they say. I love this. They're genuine. They take the time. They slow for the moment. They aren't distracted by phones, or rushed and onto the next, in mind, motion, or body. They're present. They are <i>with</i> you. They meet you in the moment. We have rich, <i>real</i>, quality, exchanges. I eat this up. I eat them up.<br />
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Speaking of eat. I didn't just eat them up. I ate everything up. They had some of the best bread I've ever tasted. I couldn't stop, and of course, our nephew thought it best to always keep <i>another</i> basket coming, so I <i>had </i>to keep eating right? We wanted authentic Costa Rican dinners so we asked the guy who drove us horseback riding, "Can you take us to the place where you eat with <i>your </i>friends or family?" That night he took us to his hometown. <i>Yes!</i> We had the <i>best </i>meal ever. I asked many... some variation of, "What's <i>your</i> favorite food? What do <i>you</i> eat? What do we <i>have to try</i> before we leave?" The answer was the same. The Casado. The Tico standard. It's made of beans, white rice, some sort of protein, salad, tortillas, and plantains. They had many, but this one was the ultimate. The red beans at this place had been cooking on an open wood fire grill in a cast iron pot the whole day through. I have never! <i>And the plantains</i>... I'm sorry. I throw the towel. Wave the white flag. I won't even try. <i>That good</i>. They kept it coming the next morning with fresh pureed pear juice. It was earth shattering. Along with the juice of the Gods, <i>the most perfect </i>cinnamon roll I've ever tasted—not too sweet, not too gooey, super soft, yet flakey on all the right edges. And just the right amount of cinnamon is key in my baking book. They did it. They did it all with this one! I shall call it The Knock Down, Drag Out, Cinnamon Roll! I didn't overdo it! I was 'pat myself on the back' proud. Why? What for? What's wrong with me? <i>Everything</i>. I should've eaten twelve... for fear of never seeing my sweet soul sister again.<br />
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Ash disappears. B<i>oom</i>! <b>Four more cinnamon rolls</b>. I couldn't let<i> them </i>eat<i> mine</i>, right? Noooo! I was cursing him at the time, smothering him in kisses in retrospect. To this day... cinnamon sweetie visits my dreams.<br />
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I was impressed with the Ticos knowledge of their country. <i>They're proud</i> of where they live. It's obvious they have a true connection and deep respect for their history and culture. They probably weren't as impressed when they turned and asked, "So what does Tahoe mean?" And we all four hemmed and hawed, spit some various facts <i>about </i>Tahoe, and finally said, "<i>uh</i>, we don't know."<br />
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The Ticos also seem to know everything about all who roam including the insects and animals. I act a fool when it comes to any creature that moves. I try to keep it under wraps, but the closer I get, the more that spills. I have a stupid ear-to-ear grin and just want to<i> touch </i>whatever's near! I morph into a four year old. I look like an adult, but it's a lie. In any area with animal action and kids, Dave grabs my hand tight. He knows I'm tempted to launch, maybe push my way, or accidentally shove a <i>real</i> four-year-old out of the way. I loved when Aviana was around. She was my "in." Many of the Costa Rican people light in this same way. I could see the shine as they slowed to show us the swinging monkeys, or the toucans flying from tree to tree, or the sloth sleeping up on a branch. I could hear it in their voice as they described the dangers of the bullet ant, the dart frog, or the various venomous snakes.<br />
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These people have a great respect for their environment, the animals and insects, their people, the land, and the food they put into their bodies.<br />
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Something was stirring throughout the week, and as we made our way home, I felt a definite shift. My vision and world tilted for the better. I suppose that's what each trip is about—seeing the way other people live, experiencing new things, and coming home a little different.<br />
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Upon arriving home, I learn that part of Costa Rica is considered <a href="https://www.bluezones.com/2014/03/nicoya-exploration-lessons/">one </a>of the five <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_Zone">Blue Zones</a> of the world. I understand why.<br />
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The Toucans!</div>
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One of the highlights of our trip.</div>
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Dave's my polar opposite when it comes to anything that moves. He liked this guy though.<br />
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We were able to feed them. Their diet consists of avocado, papaya, and banana. They all left the banana.<br />
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Yep! The <i>best </i>way to feed a toucan!</div>
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They're <i>so</i> cute!<br />
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They talked... color coordinate their outfits for the day.</div>
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The answer is yes! He fit perfectly in my bag for the long trip home.</div>
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<a href="http://pocketcultures.com/2010/01/26/costa-rica-is-%E2%80%9Cpura-vida%E2%80%9D/">Pura Vida!</a></div>
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Our hotel backed to seventy four acres of rainforest. We explored every inch of these trails, which included five waterfalls. </div>
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My (not so little anymore) nephew Ash.<br />
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My gosh. I was just graduating high school when he was born. I'm so proud of this kid. Although I took 4 years of Spanish, I've lost most all of it. Ash is fluent in Portuguese, so he did a great job of navigating us around Costa Rica. </div>
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When I saw these two, I came undone.</div>
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Dave can't stand spiders. I couldn't wait to show him who was lurking just above our suitcase.</div>
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I got your back buddy. </div>
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Standing on the edge of forever.</div>
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My daddy and me.<br />
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Best vacation suggestion <i>ever.</i></div>
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BUNNY EARS!!</div>
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<i>Oh, you don't like</i> BUNNY EARS?</div>
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Meet Carmel and Carmelita.</div>
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When I found out we could milk Carmelita, I almost died and went to heaven. </div>
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I never thought I'd see the day!<br />
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It wasn't easy. Dave and I laughed at how much milk we collectively eeked out of Carmelita. </div>
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CHEERS!<br />
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I hardly ever drink milk, but we <i>had</i> to know?<br />
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The verdict. Fresh milk is what it's all about!<br />
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I think Ash begs to differ. </div>
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The best zipline! This one was <i>higher and faster</i> than the one in Alaska.</div>
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Every time I look, this picture makes me laugh!<br />
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LOVE!<br />
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Everywhere we go...</div>
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There she is...</div>
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❤️</div>
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My nephew had the idea to float her leaves down through the water.</div>
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Good in theory, but not in execution. </div>
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They got caught on the rocks ; )</div>
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We went to San Jose one day. When I'm with my mom and we see a church, she always wants to light a candle for Aviana, so we do. </div>
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I have a habit of taking pictures of churches for my mom, so now I not only take a picture, but light a candle for Aviana too. </div>
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When we went into this one, I realized I didn't have any cash to pay for a candle. Dave and Ash didn't either. I was going to make the long trek down the stairs and back to my dad. Ash thought that was crazy and said, "I don't believe in having to pay at church! Just light the candle for Aviana." I laughed because although I respect others wishes, I don't believe in paying either. When I hear my mom's words, "I bought so and so a prayer (or five)..." I don't think it sounds right, but think to each his or her own.<br />
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So on this day I didn't pay. I guess we made the decision to let the church donate a candle in honor of Aviana.<br />
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Next time I'll donate two, or four. </div>
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"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, </div>
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<i>she</i> became a butterfly."</div>
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Yes she did.</div>
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You know the times you laugh so hard your cheeks hurt? This was one. </div>
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I took my picture first and couldn't stop laughing. Then Dave was having trouble with his kiosk, so I helped him. The machine spit this little beauty out. </div>
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I put the two together and wondered... who in their right mind would let these two hood rats cross the border?<br />
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Best souvenir ever.<br />
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~ The hummingbirds need their very own post ~<br />
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Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02455367671890571478noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-968022325149168758.post-47962150834464011362015-06-07T09:10:00.002-07:002015-06-07T09:17:07.475-07:00Laugh<div style="text-align: center;">
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<a href="http://www.popsugar.com/fitness/Paleo-Diet-Experience-37631676">http://www.popsugar.com/fitness/Paleo-Diet-Experience-37631676</a><br />
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Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02455367671890571478noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-968022325149168758.post-89719076269403659452015-05-18T19:11:00.001-07:002015-05-19T08:53:37.125-07:00Deep Thoughts By Jen HodderRunning shakes and sifts. What's left? A whole lot of deep and not so deep thoughts.<br />
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Am I the only one who, more often than I care to admit, parks and gets halfway out of my car while it's still running? What does this mean? Have I not come as far as I thought in the patience department? Should I have kept this one to myself?<br />
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About a year and a half ago, I slowly weaned from half my headache medication. Although the medication helps, it hurts my thought process, writing, baking, studying, my inner and outer health, and more. I'm wondering when I'll be ready to taper the rest? Last time I had horrible daily headaches and nightmares, so I'm not looking forward to starting again. But <i>my gosh,</i> do I want <i>off</i>.<br />
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Some moments I'm <a href="https://youtu.be/zEge2lxOMTM">this</a> and <a href="https://youtu.be/D_cRGXBN2fQ">this</a>, but majority of the time I'm <a href="https://youtu.be/kgkYN3QjD5M">this</a>. I never listened to the last song, or the radio, but soon after Aviana died, she sent this along at a time when I needed it the most. </div>
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I've had a hard time staying focused since Aviana's been gone. I tend to bounce from one to the next. There are a couple things that hold my attention. One is PIE! I want to frame the word and place it in sparkly lights.<br />
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Oh pie,<br />
Let me count the ways I love you...</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Peanut Butter Chocolate Cream</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>She Wore a Raspberry Beret</i></span></div>
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One of Dave's all time favorites.</div>
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Cookie crust, a layer of chocolate, raspberry filling, topped with cream cheese.</div>
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Amy, Dave, and I made this one in the very beginning of our pie making days. I pulled the picture to check it out and laughed! We thought we'd made ourselves a masterpiece.</div>
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Dave wanted this again so we made it two months later. Better crust for two months time.</div>
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I now put the chocolate on the bottom so when we cut it, the chocolate doesn't crushes into the pie.</div>
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Live and learn... </div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Sour Cream Lemon</i></span></div>
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It was dark when it came time to take pictures of this baby. Too funny, my cousin and Dave were shining light down from their phones as I took the picture.</div>
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<i><span style="font-size: large;">Triple Coconut Cream</span></i></div>
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in an almond cookie crust. </div>
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It was my <a href="http://www.avianareese.com/2010/08/uncle-roger.html">uncle's birthday</a>. He and my aunt had been eating really well, so she didn't think he'd want any dessert. She decided to check, just in case. My uncle said, "I'll have one of her pies!"</div>
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He said any pie, but his first request was cherry. There wasn't one single fresh (or even frozen) cherry in the Tahoe area, and I'd just gotten back from Reno when I found out. So Coconut Cream it was. But since I couldn't make cherry, I had to think of a way to kick this up a notch. After all, this <i>is</i> my <a href="http://www.avianareese.com/2014/05/always.html">Uncle Roger</a>. </div>
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This was hands down probably one of the <b><i>best</i></b> pies we've ever made. Let's just say it was a no leftovers for the neighbors, pie for dessert and breakfast, kind of pie.</div>
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I suddenly feel like baking again!</div>
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Our <a href="http://www.twogirlsandaguypie.com/2012/10/baby-got-her-lattice.html">Copper friend</a>, Todd, created a Rhubarb monster out of us! We're kindred spirits, he and I. I wait all year and when I see those long celery looking stalks, I calmly on the outside, but clawing on the inside cross the store and bag those beet red babes. </div>
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Dave had a lapse of judgment. He asked, "Are we going to add strawberries?" I almost choked on my words I was trying to get them out so fast, "What? Why? And mess up a good thing? Why would we taint such a perfect pie?"<br />
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I mean maybe <i>some other day</i>, maybe when we're experimenting, maybe when we're making <i>two pies...</i>to see what this<i> strawberry</i> is all about<i>, </i><br />
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I told my dad I was going to drop a piece by for him. He said, "I don't think I want that." I told him I was bringing it anyway. He took a one bite and said, "That's really good! I'd like a whole pie of that one."<br />
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Rhubarb, the most misunderstood pie... at first.<br />
We were kind of leery too. </div>
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In the past, a couple people asked why I don't include recipes when I post pictures of pie. It's because I post so many at one time and wasn't sure if anyone wanted the recipes since this is another kind of blog. If ever there's a pie you want the recipe for, I'd be happy to come up with it and post it on here. </div>
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Speaking of focus, I've finally kind of narrowed in. Amongst other things, I'm going to substitute teach. That is, once I pass the cbest. I failed it a couple months ago. From the beginning, my friend Sara suggested I split it up. I didn't get the full meaning of what she was saying. I finally got it. So I took the math last week, and passed. I have the reading and writing sections on Thursday. </div>
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My friend Jen got me hooked on essential oils! I'm in the beginning stages, but can't stop! Dave had a sore throat, so I grabbed all my little bottles out, "Inhale this, gargle this, roll this here, done! Do you feel better?" I walk around smelling like some made up concoction of something, for something. Are they working? I'm not really sure yet. I've been making sugar/salt scrubs and bath salts with them too. And when it's time for bed, there's always something diffusing the night away. Do you use them? What are your favorites? Can you tell if they're working?</div>
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Out of nowhere, these books popped into my head on my run. </div>
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Do you remember them? It's crazy how our brains store and randomly pull information.</div>
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In a way, I shut down after coming to Tahoe. Creating a life has taken more time and energy than I imagined. I've mostly kept to myself, because I haven't had enough to give. I was feeling kind of bad because all our friends and family have been really supportive. While trying to maintain, I definitely slipped, but the great thing about people who care about you is—they don't mind, they love you no matter. I had a head change on a recent trip to Costa Rica though. Although I'm still trying to figure things out, I feel better about the direction I'm heading. </div>
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So much has been on hold because of these tests! I can't wait to see <i>Pitch Perfect 2</i> and <i>Aloha</i>. Since moving back, my dad and I go to the movies together. To see a movie we go to Reno, which is about 45 minutes away. My dad hadn't been to a movie in years! It's fun to watch him gather his popcorn, drink, and talk to everyone about how much it <i>used </i>to cost to see a movie and how they were an all day event (of which he and his friends never made it through because they'd get kicked out). So when this is over, I'm going to grab him and catch up!<br />
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What are your deep and not so deep thoughts?<br />
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Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02455367671890571478noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-968022325149168758.post-1982499484009221362015-05-16T09:53:00.000-07:002015-05-17T10:14:28.485-07:00Eyes Wide Open<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia;">It usually starts while weaving through some narrow backwoods trail.
Or on vacation while running switchbacks of steps. At first, it's mental. Lost
in thought, I swing back and forth.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia;"> Back, to the time we wished for semblance, a tiny ribbon of normalcy.
But the program was our focus and that was fine, because it's what we
wanted, <i>what we needed</i>, what we chose.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia;"> Back, to the time after the program. <i>Pushing.
Pushing. Always</i> <i>pushing</i> for what was possible. Hoping
to bring color into the grays of Aviana's life. A</span><span style="font-family: Georgia;">s months slid into years, t</span><span style="font-family: Georgia;">he colors shifted.</span><span style="font-family: Georgia;"> Hazy grays turned black and white. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia;"> One dream seemed simple, a hike through the woods with her in a backpack. We started even
smaller though. Around the block we went. This proved impossible. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia;">Reality was rough. Acceptance, rougher.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia;"> When Dave and I, my mom and Gary, or anyone close to us opens
these chapters, they end the same, by us individually and collectively agreeing
how relieved we are that Aviana is no longer here, no longer suffering.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia;">Forward. Through the forest we go, my legs in full stride. My feet
lifting, over rocks, downed trees, uneven surfaces. Crunching over leaves,
twigs, and slick surfaces. Side to side and around every bend, the birds sing above, the squirrels dart below. We snap pictures, and talk incessantly about the bent tree that grew around the rock or the one hit by lightening. We admire the varying shades of blue as we hug the water's edge or how the fog settles perfectly within the mountains. And of course, we laugh at Rainey's woodsy antics.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia;"> Aviana, Dave, and I were each stripped for <i>so long</i>. Before, a walk on a sun streaked trail was a never. Now it's a luxury. And we feel it. <i>Tahoe has always been sacred</i> but because of Aviana, everything is amplified... whether we're walking out into the crisp air, driving down these familiar streets, taking Rainey for a sunset swim, or when the guy at the auto parts store tells us to catch him next time on our bill... we feel the intensity. Together and separate. She came, gave life, and resides within us. She turned the tiniest things to gold. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia;">I
drift from the three of us to watch the passing adults, kids, and dogs. I know at some point (or many) everybody hurts, so I wonder? Who's taking a leisurely walk through a beautiful forest and who's having a whole other experience? Who's missing a loved one dearly? But since it can't and never
will be, instead of resisting, who's leaning in and using this landscape to wrap around and carry
them through?</span></div>
<div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>The Flume Trail</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-X_VRo7JwIC4/VVaCE4zMX2I/AAAAAAAAMR4/GNRwLUHfgd0/s1600/IMG_1556.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-X_VRo7JwIC4/VVaCE4zMX2I/AAAAAAAAMR4/GNRwLUHfgd0/s640/IMG_1556.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It's never easy keeping Rainey still for any sort of hiking pictures.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I can't say I blame her.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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Hey, get your little booty back here!</div>
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Momma wants a picture.</div>
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Oh hello my sweetness!</div>
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I may or may not be holding her head.</div>
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<i><span style="font-size: large;">Eagle Lake</span></i></div>
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Yep, there's a black dog paddling away in there.</div>
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After I carved this Dave said, "Avi Bear everywhere. Up high in the sky...on <a href="http://www.avianareese.com/2014/01/from-cabo-with-love.html">the ground</a>, <a href="http://www.avianareese.com/2014/05/alaska.html">something</a> something...Yeah, we both can't seem to remember, but it was<br />
<i><b>really good</b></i> ; )<br />
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Ha, that's why you have to write this stuff down!</div>
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Emerald Bay from halfway up to Eagle Lake.</div>
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<i><span style="font-size: large;">Crystal Bay Lookout</span></i></div>
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I was super excited when an eagle flew by (it may not have been an eagle, but looked big like one).<br />
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Complete with imitation, Dave said I looked and acted like Aviana when she used to see a bird.<br />
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I loved hearing that.</div>
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Dave & Dizzy</div>
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❤️</div>
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Where it all began. </div>
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It seems everywhere we go, we can see the place we got married. When we got to the top of the lookout, we could see the Cal-Neva.</div>
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The stare down. </div>
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Two peas...</div>
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In a pod ; )</div>
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<i><span style="font-size: large;">D.L. Bliss to Emerald Bay</span></i></div>
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How Dave gives Rainey water while we're hiking!</div>
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Hey, don't turn your back on me mister!<br />
Yeah, I guess that big blue is a good reason.</div>
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Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02455367671890571478noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-968022325149168758.post-22179305691460990262015-05-09T09:29:00.001-07:002015-07-01T18:21:49.508-07:00It All Comes Back to You<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Round we went.
Here we are. So familiar, but for different reasons I deliver <i>the</i>
bag. There's a definite shift from over ten years ago. Back then I passed the
sterile contents and said, "Do your thing!" Now, I said my final goodbye. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
L<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">ife. How it evolves.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Days later a
text flashes across my phone, "I'm officially infertile. Let's
celebrate!" I laugh at Dave's follow up comment, "Now <i>we're</i> <i>both</i>
infertile.” I shake my head by the difference in him, me, and us. We're both smiling over infertility! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Throughout the
years we've been asked if we're going to have or adopt more children. In the
first three years we didn't think about much other than therapy, but whenever the question was asked, our answers were similar. In our later years with Aviana, our decision gained form. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">About six
months after Aviana died, I asked Dave if he'd have a vasectomy. I nonchalantly dropped it on him one night after missing my cycle for over a month and a half. While in the back of my mind I'd maybe figured the reason (a sudden burst of month long running without matching my eating) it still freaked me out. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">At the
time, he thought it was too soon after her dying to make that kind of decision. I was slightly taken aback because I thought we were on the same page about another child. He agreed that we were, but commented how he didn't think any counselor would recommend a decision like that so soon after. As much as I didn't think we'd change our minds, I understood where he was coming from. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A couple months later, Tahoe happened and all was put on the back burner.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This past
December my cycle was late again. While I felt I knew the reasons, none that included pregnancy, this <i>definitely </i>prompted us to pick up where our conversation last left. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Once the high
five-jump around-excitement subsided from my negative pregnancy test (another
full circle shift from ten years ago) we came together about the
vasectomy. Although our minds were pretty darn solid, we gathered all past thoughts into one well-rounded conversation. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We laughed and cried as we
remembered, described, and imitated all the very things which made our girl <i>uniquely</i> <i>her, </i>which few <i>truly</i> know and remember. These are the very characteristics that forever string us together. They are the ones we hold closest; those which some might forget, but few ever will.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Dave and I talked
about our front-runner: adoption and even IVF with egg donation. We considered freezing some should I die and he remarry. We spoke of what it would be like to raise another child
with special needs, or a healthy one who ends up with special needs. We were honest with each other. After these past years, we don't have it in us again, especially with taking care of our parents and each other in the future. We
imagined the rest of our lives with a perfectly healthy child, but one who'd live with a forever shadow. A lovely little shadow who fades in and out at various times and in certain places...just as she now does. But with another child, I’m sure Aviana's presence would be brighter and more frequent, if that's possible. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We thought of
our kid snowboarding, hiking, during the holidays, or of us just plain staring <i>in awe</i> as they smile, move their
arms and legs, walk, run, talk, </span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">eat</i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> and </span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">enjoy</i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">say, "hi mommy." We imagined all he or she would
bring to our lives and all we could give. We also thought of <i>the pain</i> in seeing all this child could, while Aviana couldn't. We're realistic so
thoughts of screaming in the middle of the night, back talking, moms tore up
from the floor up, and parents who don't have enough time for themselves as
individuals, or as a couple swirled too. Many say, "But you won't have anyone to take care of you when you're older." And if that child chose to, that's true. We'll be taking care of ourselves. Or we may be alone should one dies sooner. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We reflected
on ourselves as parents before the accident, after, and how different our perception on life is. We thought about my mom and Gary as
grandparents, and of Rainey. There were of course thoughts of Tahoe, and all I experienced
growing up here. My wish was always to share this with my child, to see all I love <i>through</i>
<i>their eyes</i>.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This time around was so different from when we were planning for our first child. We see things through more realistic lenses. We're hoping to shape this part of our lives the best we can and include those we truly want in it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In the end, it all came back to Aviana. For us, if our child isn't her, we're just not interested in any at all. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DTajzQSx9lM/VU0UWHfin5I/AAAAAAAAMMo/lkzuOzCD3Uw/s1600/DSC_0034.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DTajzQSx9lM/VU0UWHfin5I/AAAAAAAAMMo/lkzuOzCD3Uw/s640/DSC_0034.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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"If I can't have you, I don't want nobody baby."</div>
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~ Bee Gees</div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; text-align: start;">When we met we wouldn't have envisioned our lives as they are today. Despite the hardship, we're good. No, we're better than good, we're great! We have all we want and need, and </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; text-align: start;">Aviana is a constant reminder of who and what matters most. So until we see her again, we'll live each day for what it is... A gift.</span></div>
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Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02455367671890571478noreply@blogger.com8