Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I Fall to Pieces

Kama has been eating like crazy since Friday night. She eats anything, and everything. I have never loved to watch someone eat like this. In turn, I feed her all day long. I give her whatever her little heart desires. My baby wants chicken and eggs? My baby gets chicken and eggs!

She went in for her blood draw yesterday morning, and they all commented how different she was. Her pep was officially back in her step.

Something changed at about 4pm. I noticed she was more lethargic, and was not begging for food. I started to freak.  I watched her like a hawk. I, who has not one ounce of vet experience, told myself, she was fine, she was just due for her next Chemo treatment, and maybe this was just what happens.

She continued to get worse. She was panting, and panting. I gave her water. She panted some more. Suddenly, she started to look as though she were shivering. Then, her back leg started to shake. My heart was doing somersaults the entire time.

By this time, it was after hours. I remembered though that my vet had called me on his personal line (poor guy, I bet he never makes that mistake again ;o) one time, so the number was registered in my phone. I called him and left a message. I then called the emergency vet, which Kama used to regularly go to. They said to bring her in.

My doctor called me back, and had gotten her lab results in the mean time. He said he had good and bad news....I have been on the receiving end of this line much too often! The Chemo is working, but it took her white cells from 8000 to 700. He said this was most likely the reason she was doing so poorly. He advised I bring her to the emergency vet, and LEAVE HER all night on an antibiotic drip.

I was DEVASTATED. This is a dog that hates the vet with a passion, always has, always will. I have to drag her in the door, and then once in, she pulls me back to the exit, and opens it herself. This was somewhat cute to all involved when she was there for her shots, or other non life or death situations. Now, it is not cute in the least bit. It makes me want to crawl under a rock and die!

She not only opens doors, but she scales walls, climbs in my lap, shakes, pants, etc, etc.  Secondly, in her almost 8 years of life, I have NEVER stayed in this house without her....not once!!!  Needless to say, I was a basket case.

I got some Xanax after the accident with Avi, I felt this was the perfect time to drug myself into a complete and total slumber....and I did!! I never even noticed that my perfect bed companion was absent, until this morning. The waterworks were in full affect the moment I opened my eyes.

They called and said she is better, but they want to keep her another half day. I am so lonely without her, and can't imagine my life with her permanent absence.

She had gotten much better after her first round of Chemo, and I thought going in once a week for a quick blood draw, and then for her Chemo shots would be ok. But, in light of what happened last night, there is no way, no how, I will subject her to feeling that bad, and extended stays at the vet, the place she loathes most in the world.

Sadly, if things don't turn around for the better, I will let my baby go.....


  1. This is me loving you - that is all I can say ♥

  2. Okay, I know that it is sooo hard. Here is my experience with this~ my amazing, sweet, smart human-like dog who can never be replaced, I have tried, a black lab named Samantha, but we called her Sam, went through something like this and we didn't put her down. Our experience with Sam taught me that it is okay to say good bye when you know the time is right. Sam never seemed in pain so we kept going, but inside she had to have been sad and confused and miserable with what was happening to her. It breaks my heart still to think of the end and to watch her slowly get worse and worse not being able to help her through it. I will spare you the details, but it was the hardest thing to see when you love someone that much look at you with her brown eyes asking for help and you can't. I don't know what you should do, I just wanted to offer my experience. It is still early in Kama's treatment and she REALLY might be OK. Hopefully it is a long time before you have to make any decisions on this matter. Sending hugs your way!

  3. hugs sent your way, praying for you to hold strong, Deanna

  4. poor kama, i just want to hug her and tell her she's the bestest bravest strongest puppy.....

    ALOT of the symptoms you described ARE the side effects of chemo - my pops had the SAME THINGs happen.....and sadly, with each treatment the side effects repeat and grow stronger......with my pops, they often did a blood transfusion which helped with his white cell counts. (chemo is takes the bad AND the good cells)

    when my pup was diagnosed we chose not to do the chemo - instead we gave her a quality of life, spoiling her and giving back to her for all she gave to us......this was a personal choice.....i don't know that it is the right choice for kama & you.....still praying for your miracle
    <3 ~j

  5. I'm so so sorry...I didn't realize this was going on right now....I just sent you a very silly and insignificant email today so please disregard. I don't know what to say except I'm so sorry this is happening. Biggest hugs and prayers to all of you!

  6. My heart is just breaking for Kama and you. I don't want you to have to make that horrible decision, but I know you will do what is best for your girl. When humans have cancer, they can take a medicine like Procrit to elevate the good blood cells. Is this possible for a dog?

  7. When Bear got Pancreatic Cancer, our beautiful German Shepard Rotweiller Mix went from 130 lbs to 95 lbs within a month.

    His legs would give way, he continuously suffered seizures. We babied him. We bought higher protein food and special vitamins. We didn't start the chemo. But, I wonder if we might have had we met a vet who was not so honest. Anyways, they told us he had 3 months.

    Well, I kept begging my husband to consider putting him down. I was with him during the day as I was a stay at home wife at the time. I saw what Bear was going through and I just can't take that kind of struggle on such a wonderful creature. But, Bear was my husbands baby. His baby before I was even a concept. So, it was thoroughly his choice. Finally, one day, I could tell we were getting so close. I had to carry him up and down the stairs to get to the bathroom outside. Anyways, he had an incredibly bad seizure and he wouldn't come back in the house.

    Our two other furbabies wouldn't leave his side outside. So, I called DH and made him come home. He decided we should take Bear to the vet for a check up. But, even then, he wouldn't put him down. Even with the things the vet said. Hey, this dog was like 1/2 my husbands' soul.

    Well, when we got home, poor Bear lost control of his bowels and again, wouldn't go anywhere but in a sandy hole he had dug in a sandbox.

    My husband looked in that poor dogs eyes and saw the begging. It was like even when Bear was at his sickest he was still so loyal and loving to my husband that he was surviving until Rob told him he could go. That is what crushed my husband. He realized how much Bear was putting up with because of his emotions. We went directly back and endured the most painful goodbye ever. But, Bear was at peace.

    And that was what I was referencing before on another post about how we vowed to never do that to another loyal, loving companion. They just give too much to have to suffer that pain and loss of dignity.

    I pray for you tonight because Kama is a blessing and a beauty and I saw it in her eyes from the moment I saw the first picture. You never would have had to say one thing about her. Kama's soul beams so bright and beautiful just the way she is. Btw, Bear was only 9 years old. It is just terrible to see the sweetest ones go so young.


  8. :( :( No words... just very sad for you... sending lots of prayers for you all.