Wednesday, May 11, 2011

What Comes Around Goes Around

I usually don't ever talk about this kind of stuff, but I just had the pleasure of cleaning up a complete, and total blowout. All over her shorts. Her shirt. Her legs. Her back. All over the couch (kind of makes you want to come over soon, hah). Everywhere.

I gag. I am a total baby. I am easily grossed out. Always have been. Dave is not here. Lesya is not either. I looked at Rainey, and she wasn't having it, so me it was.

I looked down at my, almost 5 year old girl, and she was covered. I thought of how humiliating it must have been for this independent, little girl, who learned everything at such a young age. For her to be in this situation is beyond comprehensible. I know how I feel when I look at her, but how must she feel? Having to be totally reliant on someone, for everything.

Tears couldn't help, but make their way over.

I believe heavily in karma, and I can't help, but wonder....

Was it something I did?

Was it Dave?

Was it Aviana?

Was it Gary?

Was it my Mom?

Then I think, no, it must have been Dave, Aviana, or I, because we bear the extreme, moment to moment, brunt of everything, everyday!

Was it all of us together?

I think of each of the five of us, as people, collectively, and I can't help, but think we could ever have done anything to deserve the magnitude of wrath, that has been bestowed upon us.

Are we  paying for something in our past lives?

I don't know the answer, but I am always wondering...


  1. Oh, I so know what you are saying here.

    The week before our accident, I went out drinking and dancing with my girl friends. My SINGLE girl friends. Men were all over the club, hanging around us. I had my ring on, but still. Men don't care. My friends flirted, and I was there. I danced with my girl friends, but if a group of guys came up to dance with us, did I leave the dance floor? No. When some guy started a conversation with me, did I politely excuse myself and turn away? No. I did nothing wrong per se, but I knew I didn't belong in that club. I remained a good wife and faithful, but still. The guilt was there. I was 26 years old, most of my best friends were still single, and I shouldn't have been in their nightly "element" being that I was a married woman - with kids! To top it all off, my ex-boyfriend's 30th birthday was that weekend, and I called him to say hello and wish him a happy birthday. Never told my husband because I knew he'd freak out big time. And so...when a week later we were in the car accident, and our sweet little 4-year-old was brain injured...well, I naturally thought I was being paid back for being a bad person. I used to lie awake at night and make bargains with God. "If you heal my daughter 100% and make her how she was before...then in two years you can give ME a severe brain injury...."

    I would GLADLY have traded places with my daughter. If I was being punished, then why did it not happen to ME? Why her? Well, then I thought that if it happened to me, it wouldn't hurt so much because my brain probably wouldn't let me know what was going on, or I would have lost memory or something, so how could that affect ME if I was not aware? No...having it happen to my daughter was what would hurt me most. Karma KNEW. do I believe all that? Not anymore, no. Not really. Okay, sometimes I do just a wee little bit. LOL But I believe in God MORE than I believe in Karma. God does not punish. I don't believe He does. I believe He would not harm my daughter just to "stick it to me" --

    But yeah...I know what you mean.


  2. I think thats a normal response, but sometimes shit happens, I think. I would of course be looking for reasons why what did I do/not do etc etc etc.
    I just went thru my grandpa in the hospital, great shape and all that and ended up having diapers changed, so so humiliating, especially after being independent.

  3. jen i agree with katrina.................

    often i cite karma & the old saying 'what goes around comes around' when i am looking for excuses & reasons to feel 'better' about bad things

    but i truly believe that it is God's plan for us to allow things to happen that we would not necessarily choose for ourselves. God knows us in our heart of hearts and He alone sees the strengths that we have yet to uncover.

    He tests us, pushing us beyond what we think we can endure often the only reason is just to remind us that HE is here to help us. When we put our faith in God and our fate in His hands, that is when we find that the most difficult tasks become bearable.

    WHY WHY WHY WHY would He do this to you, or that to him, or that to her? that is a question that we can ask from now until the end of time, but we will never truly know the answer until we are face to face with the Lord and we can ask Him.

    In the meantime.....diasabilities and illnesses and 'bad luck' are not things that God does TO US, He allows them to happen so that we and those around us learn and are given the oppportunity to lead a virtuous life........people like Avi or my little friend Alyssa or my cousins Destina and Kelsey.....they may seem to have received the short end of the stick here on earth....but truthfully, through their struggles they have been given THE GOLDEN TICKET......they are going straight to heaven when their time comes - no questions asked.....

    sorry for rambling on so this morning........i guess i just have a lot of things on my mind.

    PUT YOUR FAITH IN GOD. Let Him help you carry your load.

    <3 ~j

  4. I don't believe in that kind of karma. I believe that what you put out you will get back but I do not believe that these kinds of things (the brain injury) happen to people because they have done something bad. YOU, DAVE, AND AVIANNA have done nothing to deserve this.

  5. Like Oprah there are only a few things I know for sure.

    I know for sure that THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN BECAUSE YOU OR ANYONE DID SOMETHING BAD. I know for sure that sometimes shit happens and there is no avoiding it. I know for sure that miracles happen. I know for sure that mean, horrible people can live all their lives with nothing bad happening to them. I know for sure that we cannot control how people act towards us but we can control how we react to them.

    I know for sure no one DESERVES what you are living.

    And I know for sure that you are a dear friend to me.

  6. I know what you are saying Jen. The thought entered our minds when my dad was suffering so. But really and truly that is not possible. Karma doesn't hold up with all of the many bad people out there living long healthy happy lives. For you, it is just something REALLY bad that happened to REALLY good people. There is no one to blame here, not even Karma.

  7. I agree, with everyone! I like to believe in the type of Karma that says when you hurt someone purposefully, you will get hurt back in some way, but I don't really believe in it.

    I do believe in God, a loving God, and I do not at all believe He would let something as bad as what's happened to Aviana happen on purpose.

    This is off topic, but I know from what you've said that the woman who hit your family was about my age. I know if it had been me, I would be trying to make it up to you forever. I know it wouldn't be enough.