Saturday, May 7, 2011

I Want to Be Free

I want to be free of this brain injury.

I want to be free of the relentless hours of therapy.

I want to be free of this daunting responsibility.

I want to be free to go.

I want to be free to do.

I want to be free of wondering whether this girl will have a great life.

I want to be free of guilt.

I want to be free of how heavily everything can weigh on my mind.

I want to be free of this heavy burden.

I want to be free of this mountain when I am out doing fun things.

I want to be free from always having to come back to this stark reality.

I want to be free to go to the zoo like we used to.

I want to go to relaxing locations, not PA over, and over again.

I want to be free to get dressed up and go out on a Friday night.

I want to be free of this lack of energy.

I want to have a fun life again.

I want to tell this brain injury to go the F away.

I want Kama back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want my parents to have the happy, go lucky life they had as retired grandparents.

I want to turn the clock back.

I want the shackles to this house to be released.

I want to be free to go and do all of the things other families get to do.

I want normalcy.

I want to make her lunch, and have her be able to feed herself.

I want to be able to feed Aviana with ease every time.

I want to have more time for family and friends.

I want to be able to do her hair, and not have her head flopping all over like a rag doll.

I want to be able to walk around my house, and not have to carry an extra 33 pounds.

I want my entire house to look normal, and not like a freakin' therapy department.

I want my healthy brained kid back.

I want to sit around the dinner table, and talk about our day.

I want to be young, and carefree, not feel older, and more tired than I am.

I want to go back to a time when I didn't have this weight hanging around my neck.

I think all these things, and they are always followed by....

You can't go back.

You can never go back.

Stop your bitching.

It could be WAY worse.

Do you see how contradictory this world can be?

Different days, bring about different emotions.


  1. I can't imagine. I'm so sorry. Even on your down days I still think you are a freakin' rock star for doing the undoable. You are amazing and are the epitome of MOTHER. I wish you could have a free day, a free week, a free month, a free year, a free future. I'm so sorry.

  2. I agree with cameo. I wish we could invent a time machine and all go live in a time where things were care free and fancy free. You are no doubt a rock star. You are a mother like no other. It doesn't make any of the above any better. I pray that you find a little peace very soon. I know even rock stars need a break. A little quiet and solace. I am glad you are letting yourself do this on Sundays. I can't wait to see you in a few weeks :0)

  3. Today...being Mother's Day...I can't think of anyone more deserving than you to be pampered and loved on...I hope your day was beautiful.

  4. I want all those things too - it's hard not to swing back and forth... Different days is right.