Friday, July 24, 2009

Soap In Hand

I went to my counseling appointment yesterday and explained in great detail the problem I am experiencing with going to places where Aviana was held in high regard, like a celebrity if you will! I told her I knew it was not good, I just need to go, I am in desperate need of a Costco fix, etc. I also explained how I used to go to the gym all the time!! While I never liked the entire process of going, I LOVED how I felt when I left and for that reason and many more I really need to get my butt back in there.

I asked, do I need to go full speed ahead and just do it??!! She said no, there are many different levels of success. She said I could pull into the parking lot, see how I feel, stay or leave based on those feelings at that moment. She advised I break it down into steps and leave at any given time. My biggest problem is talking to people about what happened and seeing the pure shock stretch across their faces. This expression is sure to send me into a downward spiral.

I should maybe just make some business cards with the blog address and just simply pass them out to whomever asks and carry on with my day :o) As I left the counseling appointment, I felt an enormous amount of strength....

Strong Jen: You can do it! Go to Costco. Costco has always been therapeutic for you. I will steer the car in that direction.

Weak Jen: Turn the car around. You don't need to do this now. You are not ready! Don't fool yourself! (I turned the car around and started toward...I don't know where)

Strong Jen: Get your ass back on track and go to Costco. (I turned again, drove back to Costco more determined than ever)

Weak Jen: I was talking to Dave on the phone, excited to be in the parking lot. He then says, "What are you going to do if you see Maria?" Maria is Aviana's favorite Snapple (sample) lady. Maria is in LOVE with Avi and will come from near and far with sample in hand when she spots her. What I am trying to say is Maria will personally hand deliver Avi samples...cart side service. Have you ever heard of such a thing? I sure hadn't. I immediately said "I'm out of here. I can't take that." I drove off, to where...I don't know. I drove about 2 miles and then my strong side took over again.

Strong Jen: I drove back, hopped out of the car, grabbed cart with authority, started to go in, chickened out as I approached the door, walked away, got back in the game, went and grabbed cart again, barreled through door at lightening speeds as I flashed the magic card. I was in, it was as great as it had always been, my eyes darting around in excitement. (you know, like Aviana's earlier that day) I was breezing through the aisles, putting items in the cart left and right, after all, who knew when I would ever be back again, right?!? I was passing sample people without even a glance. Dave called to see how I was that moment I saw Mickey Mouse chicken nuggets...sooo sad! I told Dave, "Maria is not here!!"

I carried on through, I was on the home stretch. I saw Maria out of the corner of my eye. I pushed my cart faster as I blew on past her. I got about 20 feet ahead and I had to turn around as I knew she had seen me. I went back and almost immediately, she had tears in her eyes (my mom had already let her know what happened) I started crying.... Maria and I just kept hugging!
I had a good cry and said goodbye.

I proceeded through with puffy, red eyes. I felt sad. I felt very lonely. I chose a line where the checker did not know Aviana (one of the longer lines in the entire place) I kept my head down, did not make any eye contact. I got out without further incident. Who would have ever known getting a bar of soap (or 20) could be so difficult!!


  1. Way to go! I can't imagine how hard that must have been, but you did it and next time you will be even stronger. I'm so excited for you that you got to hold Avi too! How wonderful that must have been. We pray for your family often that the Lord will continue to touch your lives in miraculous ways.

    I heard of your situation through Sarah on Facebook some time ago. I am so glad to have the opportunity to pray for your family and am so excited to see Avi’s improvements along the way. May God restore her to perfect health. God bless!


  2. Congratulations on a tough part of the journey.

  3. I can only imagine the strength it took to get through what you did and even though it makes us stronger, I know we often question the path. You are an amazingly strong mommy and know you can do this. I am still crying with you as I read your post in tears.
    big hugs, Rhonda

  4. Wow! Thank you for sharing. Bless you and your family. Prayers, hugs, smiles, love!

    Luana :)