"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." This has always been one of my favorite lyrics, but it has never played like a broken record in my head! Over and over, day in, day out.
I have had glimpses in the past of somewhat comprehending this particular lyric, (thinking at the time I fully understood) but no, I now have FULL comprehension. Whether I like it or not.
I am a planner through and through. I plan everything to a tee. I plan WAY in advance for everything. For example, do you know what I was doing at the exact moment this horrific accident occurred?? Probably not. Well, it was June 17th and I had just finished buying EVERY Mickey Mouse item in Party City. I had just placed my WAY over the top balloon order. I had crossed to the other side of the street and bought the most perfectly coordinated Mickey Mouse paper in order to create a one of a kind invitation for her party.
That morning, I had put the entire guest list together. All of this, for what was to be an unbelievably exciting 3rd birthday party. I must have been walking through the stores with a smile plastered on my face, all I could think about was Aviana's priceless reaction to it all!!
I'm sorry I got off track, my point was that Aviana's 3rd birthday is August 16th. I was purchasing a full two months prior to her birthday. Believe me, I had already scoped everything out prior and refrained. I am finally in a position where I can't plan ANYTHING. My hands are tied...I am as helpless as they come.
The doctors don't know, family and friends don't know, I don't know. I have been in this helpless state before, but at that time, I was able to move forward and choose to adopt.
For the first time in my life, I am truly at a standstill. I can be a fairly impatient person and this is, hands down, the hugest lesson in patience. The hugest lesson of my lifetime. I am not used to baby steps.... I am accustomed to leaps and bounds.
I have quickly come to realize this is not what I want. I never understood the concept of take one day at a time, think of only today and tomorrow and not beyond. I have been whittled down to this way of thinking. Not by choice, but by necessity as the other option is to drive myself and all of my family and friends CRAZY!! I sure don't want that for all of you, so I promise to concentrate on the here and now : )
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
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No worries about what your thoughts do to any of your readers. We are following this because we care about you, Aviana, and your entire family. This space should be where you are allowed to leave your thoughts and emotions. While none of us are truly living this with you, we are all here for you. However sporadic your concerns, worries, grief, anger, confusion or dispair may be, that is exactly what you are expected to feel. And we are with you for that too. You have been so incredibly strong for your little girl, and you are an inspiration of hope to so many. Thank you for sharing so much with us.
ReplyDeleteAll my love and prayers,
J
Your words "at a standstill" reminded me instantly of a song a group at my church used to sing by the Isaacs. I thought the song was beautiful, but I was always scared to do what it said. I hope this brings you peace.
ReplyDeleteThe Isaacs - Stand Still
Verse 1:
The Father has a plan
Though it's hard to see it now.
You feel you're walking all alone
But He is there no doubt
When the storm around you rages,
And you're tossed to and fro
When you're faced with life's decisions,
Not sure which way to go
Stand still
and let God move,
Standing still is hard to do
When you feel you have reached the end,
He'll make a way for you
Stand still
and let God move
Verse 2:
When the enemy surrounds you,
And the walls are closing in
When the tide is swiftly rising,
And you wonder where He's been
Friend, there never was a moment,
That His arms weren't reaching out
You can rest assured
And be secure,
God is moving right now
Stand still
and let God move,
Standing still is hard to do
When you feel you have reached the end,
He'll make a way for you
Stand still
and let God move
When you feel you have reached the end,
He'll make a way for you
Stand still
And let God move
The answer will come, But only in His time
Stand still and let God move
Stand still and let God move
not having control of a situation and just waiting would be horrible, but actually to have your child involved in that is unbearable, but I guess you have no choice about that. I am like you and plan way in advance and plan out everything, which of course doens't always work out as planned. I hope that the baby steps get bigger and she can enjoy her 3rd birthday and her beloved mickey mouse
ReplyDeleteI am praying for your little girl, & hoping she on the road to recovery real soon
ReplyDeletealex
I have found that living in only this day and not even thinking about the next, has been my saving grace. Tomorrow will bring it's own miracles and struggles. Just try to deal with today's miracles and struggles. And I don't really care when people quote scriptures to me, but one that I keep repeating to myself is (and I'm paraphrasing here) "who, by worrying about tomorrow, has added one day to their life?" It's impossible to NOT worry, but I can keep my worrying to only today and not tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteJenn and Dave - I just heard of the accident and want you to know all of you are in our thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteNo one knows why God has us on the journey He does, but it's for a reason. It is all part of His plan and He wouldn't give you anything you couldn't handle. Trust in Him.
OH, yes, I can't even imagine. I do not like being powerless and especially over the things that mean the absolute most to me----I think you are doing a great job, but, hey, even if you aren't, you have a lot of people who are behind you, with you, praying for you and for Dave and Aviana---know that. I am not patient, especially when my heart is involved.
ReplyDeletewarmest support and prayers
i know exaclty what you are talking about. i too always think to far ahead, instead of just for today. since aviana's accident it has also made me realize to live for today. to cherish every moment we have with our children, because tomorrow is not promised. i know avina cannot talk to right now, but i am sure you and dave are in her dreams constantly as she lies sleeping right now.
ReplyDeleteI was wondering when Avi's birthday was. Mom had them on a cute poster in the preschool room, but I have an awful memory. I didn't realize Emma and Avi are only a couple weeks apart in age. (she's July 28th). Out of nowhere a couple days ago, Emma decided she needed to get ready for Avi's birthday. She asked for me to fold paper so that she could make some birthday cards. They look like lines and squiggles, but she very proudly told me that it's a birthday cake in the picture. Today we went out shopping, and she picked out a little surprise for Avi. :)
ReplyDeleteI hate not being able to plan. I'm the type that had a fully organized binder for my wedding with everything from fabric swatches to contracts. I think, that in a way, facing the unknown shows us that it is okay to go with the flow sometimes. Maybe you can still have a little party with your family and friends at the hospital. It isn't what you planned, but I think it might just mean even more.
Keeping you all in my prayers!
-Jillian
Jenn I so know what you are taAlking about. As I mentioned to you on Sunday, my life was exactly the same way when I had breast cancer several years ago. I was sick. I was scared and I had no control of my future or even what happened many days during a 7th month period of time. I think what saved me was my faith in God, my family qand friends and mostly my children. When I looked at them the fight was there. Everything was there. Im am a planner too if something throws me off track I just don't do well. I can't even answer most questions until I think for a minute.
ReplyDeleteOne of my friends moved out of town several years ago but she left me with this cute little painting that says "When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot, hang on and swing!". I look at it from time to time and it always makes sense to me. If I can just hang in there I can get through what I need to do.
I know it will get better. That birthday will happen on August 16th or it will happen just as soon as she is better. I just know it will be the best just like you planned.
Always in my thoughts and prayers.
Ms Debby
Thinking about you often. Holding you all in my prayers. These past few months I have been meditating a lot on "give us this day our daily bread" and it it so true, taking one day at a time and letting go of the control is a very hard thing to do.
ReplyDeleteTake care and "Let it be..."
Hi Jen,
ReplyDeleteMy sister (Elena) just sent me the link to your blog. I have 3 children and I cannot even begin to imagine what it's like to go through an event such as this. I will keep Aviana and your family in my prayers and I will hold my children that much tighter for you. Thank you for sharing your life with us. God Bless you and I am so happy that she is progressing.
We're praying daily for healing, guidance, strength, courage, grace, comfort, support, faith, patience and blessings.
ReplyDeleteAviana is ALWAYS in our prayers- She will pull through this- I have faith that she will-
ReplyDeleteBoth of you have amazing strength -- Thank God for such wonderful, supportive, and LOVING parents-- keep on keeping on and we are here for you guys -- anything you need
XOXO Jon and Mayra