Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Little Things

I seemed to think if we could survive a trauma the size of the one we have, the little things would seem just that, little.

I just got out of the shower, and even though I may look human, I truly belong in the reptile family. While I was slathering myself with a vat of lotion, I turned my right leg, more than I ever have while paying attention.  What I saw was horrifying. At first, I thought it was a shadow. I always prefer natural light, and it has been kind of overcast today. I looked closer, and yes, there they were, a cluster of tiny spider veins. You may be shouting, "Stop, being a baby" at your screen right about now, and that's okay, because I kind of feel like I am.

I turned away, and tried to act like I never saw the tiny little monsters. I proceeded on for a while, but then I couldn't help but look again, in the bright light. Yep, there they were, again! I was freaking out inside, and felt waves of panic shoot through my body. Treatment options were already dancing in my head, along with, "Has Dave seen these, and never told me?!? What about my mom?" I never expected this type of reaction. It felt superficial, and shallow! I knew there had to be more to it.

I have been to hell and back, more than once. My baby girl was dead, and was brought back to life. We have survived so much. Why was this bothering me so badly. I knew I couldn't reduce it down to simply not wanting to get old.

I think I have it figured out. I have something to compare it to. You guys may not know this, but I have serious grey hair. It all started when I was about 26. Ask anyone, it used to be a hobby of mine to sit on the bathroom counter, and pull them all out. That was great, until I could no longer keep up. They won. I lost. I then began the constant dying of my hair. I never used to be so meticulous about it, though.

After the accident, I noticed I was going in about every six weeks. My hair is seriously breaking the bank. Before the grey attacked, I was never one to get my hair done at all. I'm not kidding when I say that. You would laugh at how I used to cut my own hair!

There are so many facets of going through what we have been through, and some are the strangest of things, and pop up at the oddest of times. I tried to figure out why I was making time for my hair, whereas I never really would before. And now, why is this little area of veins bothering me so? I came to this conclusion. I have a hurt child, that alone is incredibly taxing. Add the kind of program we do, with insomnia, and there you have it, the perfect recipe for sometimes internally feeling above my numerical age. I don't want my outside to match my inside. I am always tired, but don't want to look tired, and haggard.

So, while the smaller things should be even smaller, sometimes they just aren't.

Now, what the heck am I to do with my new discovery?


  1. Just so you don't feel alone I have them too. And since you've shown us your rockin bikini body I garantee Dave hasn't noticed:0)

  2. i got a good chuckle! .....i too remember facing the mirror and plucking grays out of my head. i think i started when i was 30-33, alas, there's to many to i have succombed to the dye too. BUT i have too many nerosis about haircutters/salons i have to do it myself!

    ...and i DO GET IT! totally understand freaking out about what you think should be a trivial thing! <3 ~j

  3. I'm with Sarah...I think the rockin' body would overshadow any spider veins!!!!

  4. Varicose veins can be fixed. No need to stress. :)

  5. the spider veins invaded for me at age 12. not even kidding. they can remove them either by injecting a fluid or with a laser treatment. i opt for long pants, but i'm not hiding a rockin' bikini body like you would be!

  6. After our accident, I think I went from 2 gray hairs to about a zillion. And then I let myself GO. Now, two years later, I'm trying to get myself together and actually succeeding (although maybe not at showering every day, still). But yes, the little things matter a lot sometimes, I get it! I certainly FEEL a whole lot older than I am.

  7. Hi Jen. I don't know if you've heard of Katie's blog, but Katie and her husband, Ben were in a car accident, that left Ben in a hospital for 2 years. He was just released, but still needs 24 hour care. Her blog is real, honest, and I thought for you - relatable. It's

  8. Once I got my "girls" fixed, I have watched my legs like a friggin' hawk for THOSE veins.

    Aging 'gracefully' is NOT in me. I fight it.

    But, luv, I girl-scout and pinky-promise that you nothing short of gorgeous and some prickly veins (I discovered some of my own not to long ago. shriek.) doesn't change that.

    Don't discount letting the little things be 'big'. If Avi had never been hurt, the vein discovery (laugh) would have been a big deal in your life.

    You are Super Woman but you are also female and females don't like THOSE veins.

    Luv ya ... and .... a little pressed powder over them suckers and you are good to go out on the dance floor :)) (Ask me how I know powder works! ha)

    Do I need a verbal filter? yes. I think I do. I'll go look for one on right now.... ;)

  9. I don't know what to tell you about the spider veins. I've got a few of those suckers and I slather on the wicked self tanner. Cures all evils...temporarily.

    As for the little things...I get aggrivated over A LOT of little things. But I consider it a gift. I have the gift of worrying about dumb stuff instead of worrying whether my son is going to make it through the night. And when I was worrying about that - almost two years ago - I remember thinking "I'm never going to care about another small thing again."

    Kelle Hampton once wrote after she gave birth to her daughter with Downs Syndrome that she saw someone with cute shoes and thought "I'm never going to care about cute shoes again." But now she does. She posts pictures of them all the time on her blog. :-)

    I think it's a measure of how far you've come.