Friday, June 3, 2011

Over My Head

I have recently mentioned, I am struggling now! The 'why' of my struggle is a conglomeration of reasons, some that I can pinpoint, and others that I cannot. There is one, in particular, that I am trying hard to keep shut out. I am trying to just brush it off in the same exact way I did last year. It is winning. Against my will, it is sneaking it's way back in.

What's creeping back in is, oh so kindly, making its way at an already bad time. As it is, I have too much on my plate. Everything has already come to the brim, and has now boiled over. I already filled you in on what has been eating at me, but what I hadn't realized up until the past two days, is what might be, the actual underlying cause of all of the other stuff.

The first year after, I fixated on what we were doing the previous year, complete with pictures and all. You might remember, it was a comprehensive look at every single picture of Aviana's healthy, smiling, happy, able body. It was a look back between then, and now.

That never did me any good. I just crumbled down into a pile of rubble each and every time. So, I decided I didn't want to focus on days, holidays, how long since, etc. Honestly, for me, and for the most part, this has worked. I don't get fixated, and I don't loop my thoughts around, and around in remembering the her that is no more. I try and stay in a place of now, and maybe tonight, and tomorrow.

The two year mark has been subconsciously invading my mind. And lucky for me, it arrives on June 17th, while we are in PA of all places. I am still trying to push it away, but that is not working. While I think I am doing a good job, it bites me in the ass in other areas. Namely, when I am feeding Aviana lately.  As I have stated before, feeding is the low point of my days.

Lately, Aviana has been doing slightly worse. So that, coupled with the two year point, and there you have it ~ the perfect recipe for disaster.

She won't open her mouth lately. The question I ask her, myself, and everyone around is: how the hell do you feed a child that will barely open her mouth. Dave and I both have been having more, and more moments of complete and total frustration. We tend to pass her back, and forth to each other (I love at night how I can do that). When one of us has had it, she goes to the other. It's much like musical Aviana.

It's been an awful week of feeding, on top of an already awful week. So, today was my breaking point. I made her something really good. Made it extra yummy, and special, because I woke up knowing I needed the girl to do a good job. Nope, she wasn't doing well, at all!! My head was boiling with anger, and all I could think was, it has been almost TWO FUCKING YEARS, and one of the most basic functions of life ie: opening your mouth to missing!!! That, along with one of the other most basic functions of life, HOLDING YOUR HEAD UP!!!!!

While I am well aware it is not Aviana's fault, today, that hasn't done much in helping with my complete and total frustration!!!

My mom happened to call (I know it was mother's intuition) and ask me how my day was going. I ranted, and raved, and then ended up in a pool of tears. I was looking to the sky, screaming...."Is this some sick joke GOD, what did I do to deserve THIS???? Was/am I that horrible of a person to deserve THIS???? 

My mom insisted on coming to pick Aviana up. I said NO, NO, NO, and more NO! I've been here. I will calm down, re-group, and carry on. That's what I do. I do however feel, I am severely over my head with all of the upcoming 'good times' we have in store for us.

Anyway, my mom and Gary were here in a flash, and while I didn't really want her to go...I did understand why my mom insisted on taking her.

I am clearly no good for her today, and she, of all people, doesn't deserve any of this!!


  1. You don't deserve it, Jen. None of you do. You don't deserve the pain, the frustration, the grief. I wish that I could take all of that hurt away. Take care of yourself. Whatever your decision is at the end of this, we'll all be here to support you.

    "The only way we can be there for our children is to be there for ourselves." - anonymous

  2. Goodness, I think I threw the same tantrum today. I'm going to write you. (HUGS)

  3. I totally understand what you are going through. I am so frustrated feeding Samantha and its not even food. Its ketocal formula for her seizure disorder. Before I could feed her 9 ounces of formula but now, she gags almost every time. I keep thinking, its so easy, open your mouth and swallow. When I read what you were feeling, I totally related and felt the same emotions you have. Thanks for sharing and know that you are in my thoughts. Take care, Nicole from Rosemead CA

  4. Oh Jen...what can I say? You don't deserve are an amazing woman. Amazing. You make me want to be a better person. HUGS to you my friend.

  5. I have been gone all weekend~ I hope that by now you are feeling a little better. I want you to know that I am sending you big hugs as you struggle through this time. Your frustration is of course totally natural and expected. I would be feeling the same way. Frustration is frustration no matter what the circumstance. It is no one's fault for it, it just is. As for the coming date, I can imagine the total darkness that it possesses. The worst day of your life. The desperation, anxiety, fear that it has with it.
    The only thing I can think of to help a little little little(I stress little)bit is to flip it. That was also the day that your daughter was saved. The events that led to her survival were a miracle. She is a miracle, her progress is a miracle, the strength that you have is a miracle.
    I am so glad that your mom was there to pick up Aviana. You need that Jen. Don't wait until you are in that deep to call in the backup soldiers. You have help and right now you need to use them. You have so much to prepare for this trip that you can't do it all and still be able to function once you get there.
    I'll stop now. :)
    Please take some time away.