Wednesday, October 19, 2011

A Girl and Her Dog

I have never wanted to be one of those people who had something bad happen one month and then it affects that entire month. I try not to focus on holidays or anniversaries as well. I try to go about my days as ~ this is a new month ~ within a new year. This is a new time. October is my very favorite month because it contains my very favorite day...Halloween. 

Kama was starting to get sick at the end of September and it was in the beginning of October that we found out she had cancer. The entire month of October was destroyed ~ from beginning to end. I have been doing my absolute best to act as though it is any other October, but it is not working. I have learned that avoiding these months, holidays and anniversaries does not work for me. As hard as I try, they have a way of always chewing me up and spiting me out.

It is in these particular months and times that I see just how incredibly damaged I am. How truly traumatized I am, becomes crystal clear.  I feel like I should be better and many times I think I am, but at my core, I am not. 

I have been a walking disaster this month. I am one that can be laughing one moment and then have tears streaming down my face the next. Dave used to say, "Honey, are you crying?" Now he's all too used to it.

I miss Kama so badly and this is the month where I realize I need to start coming to terms with the fact that she is gone. I felt I had been handling so much with Aviana and there truly was no more room for loss. Unfortunately, life doesn't cooperate quite like that. I don't quite understand it though. I feel that if I am crying every single day and often times multiple times a day over her....isn't that dealing? No. I have not dealt in multiple other ways. If her name is uttered by anyone, I can feel the tears well up and my immediate response is, "Sorry, I can't talk about her." I have not read any cards that were sent during that time. When I got them, I quickly ran them to a drawer and pushed them away without reading a word. If any gifts arrived, I found a nice safe place in a closet for them. I can't look straight at her ashes without losing my marbles. My aunt and uncle gave me a commemorative tile to design and have put up at the ASPCA and I have yet to even open the envelope. It is stashed in a safe place as well. 

I feel her void in every inch of my mind, body and spirit. She was everything to me. To us. I can't type about her or post pictures without losing my mind. I have been working on this post forever. I just can't bear to be without her and I just can't seem to believe I really am. I feel like a piece of me has been ripped away. In many ways, my heart feels like a deep, black abyss. All I want, is what I can't have. I try so very hard to be appreciative of what I do have. I do a pretty good job, but sometimes the weight of what I don't bears down too heavily.  

An interesting thing happens when you lose someone. You tend to recycle pictures. We do this all the time or talk about them as though they never aged. Aviana will forever be 2 and 10 months and the things she said will forever be how she spoke them and what she said. That girl will never age. The picture above is a perfect representation of all I have lost. Two of the most important things. Both of them...gone!

How am I to deal with the loss of BOTH of them, and Zoe too. Our family of five was quickly down to two. That is too much too fast. All within 16 months. Two to cancer and one to a brain injury. GONE!

I feel so lost and alone this month. I feel defeated. I feel sad. Sometimes scared. Kind of numb. I feel like I am not sure which way to turn or how to proceed with anything. I feel discombobulated. I feel like I am just blowing this way and that...just to survive. And I know the worst feelings are yet to come :o( We are going to my cousin's party this weekend and Dave and I already talked about how I am going to lose it! And this is why. I never thought I would say this, but I can't wait for October to be over. My very favorite month...over. What kind of life is that? To wish pieces of it over?

This was when we first went to the vet to see what was wrong with her. 

I was terrified in this picture. I was thinking, if they tell me something bad, I want to die! 

She was sick and I was bawling my eyes out!

The Chemotherapy worked for one day and I was over the moon.

Over the moon. I thought maybe, just maybe we might have her for longer.

This was when she stopped responding. Her fur was constantly soaked with my tears and everything else fell by the wayside. Because all I wanted to do was be wrapped up with her ~ every single moment I could. I knew I didn't have much time left.

One of the greatest loves of my life.

This was our last picture together. We were about to say goodbye.

Every night was more like a nightmare without her.

My sweet friends had this painted as a surprise. I felt horrible, I burst into tears and couldn't even look at it. It has been in my closet ever since and I have been unable to look at it. I have been bawling my eyes out all month. So, through my tears, I took it out to take a picture and show you.

Thank you Summer and Allison. One day it will be proudly displayed in our home. Thank you for understanding me...understanding this freak of a girl. I love you both!


  1. You know how I DESPISE it when people tell me they know exactly how I feel. I don't know exactly how you feel but I UNDERSTAND how you feel. It sucks. It sucks so bad there aren't enough words or adjectives to describe how shitty it is.

    I love you.

  2. My heart goes out to you. Your love for your dogs mirrors my own. Most people I come across don't understand it. They think they're "just dogs". They have no idea. I know how much you miss your girl. It's been 3 years since I lost mine to liver cancer. I still can't really think about it. When she was sick that John Mayer say what you need to say song was popular. I avoid it now but it came on in the car 2 days ago. My mother wanted to listen to it (she doesn't know the significance). I couldn't get it off fast enough. I'd like to say things get better but they havent for me yet. Thank goodness for my other dogs. They're my sanity. Thinking of you...thinking good thoughts.
    -- a friendly lurked from NYC :)

  3. *lurker not lurked :)

  4. When we have children, we expect to outlive them. That's the the natural progression of life. But when we get a dog, we go into it knowing we will not outlive them, and they will die before we do. (well, unless we are 95 years old when we get the dog, lol) Knowing that Kama was going to eventually die and leave you one day, you still loved her with all your heart and soul. She had a great life with you. She was loved well. But the natural progression of life happened: She got old. She got sick. And now she's gone. And you miss her terribly. This is understandable, and I'm sorry your heart is in so much pain. I hope one day soon you will be able to think of her and/or talk about her without tears. You will, it just takes time.

    Life dealt you a few ugly blows all at one time. So unfair. It must seem overwhelming for you. I can only imagine.

    I pray for you a lot. I pray for God to heal Avi's brain. I pray for you to find peace. I hope God answers my prayers soon!


  5. I think Kama was very lucky to be loved so well. I know children who aren't loved like he was and is. I think the more you love the harder the loss. Songs are written about those feelings, right? I hope the day comes somewhere down the road when you feel more joy at what was than pain at what isn't. For now, I just wish you peace.

    I love you!

  6. I'm sad for you. Hugs!!!!!

  7. Can you give me ur email address or send me an email at I have a four year old cerebral palsy daughter and a lot what you write hits home to me. Hope to hear from you!

    Nicole from Rosemead ca

  8. There is nothing wrong with missing Kama. She meant the world to you. She was in a way an extension of you. She understood you in a way that humans just can't. She knew what you needed all of those years.

    I miss you guys. Know that you're always in our prayers and thoughts.

  9. brought me to tears, I unterstand the love when it comes to an animal, not just any animal, but that one special one. I don't knwo how you will get past when you have lost so much all at once. My friend Robin had her best dog friend put down years ago, I woul d say at least 7 and she still carries his tag in her pocket, it helps sooth her. It took my mom a few years to be able to look at and put pictures up of her dog, without crying, you still will but she got to a point where she could enjoy the pictures. We always love our other animals but there's always that special one.

  10. The picture of Kama and Aviana together rips my heart out. So precious beyond words.Its hard for me to look at these photos without feeling your pain.My heart goes out to you. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

  11. The pics of you laying with Kama look so much like Avi laying on the floor...with the lovely black hair spread out...face tucked in. hiding.

    I understand the desire to hide. I hide alot.

    The hurt of losing someone you love never goes away..."Time heals wounds" is a load of crap.

    What time does do, though, is allow us the ability, eventually, to reflect upon all angles of the relationship lost....not just the losing part.

    I feel your struggle inside my own heart. I want to take it from you somehow.


  12. Oh that painting is awesome (Tim Collom helped us sell our last house in East Sac and I LOVE his paintings) and this post just brings me to tears. Oh I just want to hug you forever. You are such an amazing soul of a woman. xoxoxo