Monday, October 24, 2011

I'm a Mixed Bag

Today my bother said, "your blog is so depressing lately. Isn't it supposed to be full of hope and something good for people to read?"

His question lead me to believe I should maybe explain. He's right, it has been that way. I am going through a really difficult time right now, a time I always feared and prayed would never come. But, it is here and I am doing my best just to somehow survive it. I know my blog has not been the most uplifting lately, but the truth is I don't feel that way, so it's hard for me to be anything but who I am. I use my blog as an outlet for my deepest, darkest feelings. I also think if I am feeling this way, maybe there are others in a similar situation feeling this way too. By keeping it open, I might be letting someone else know that it's ok to feel crummy and not entirely ok. I am also desperately trying to find help in your comments or advice on what has worked for you in tough situations. I really value what you have to say and read through very carefully as to not let anything pass me by or run right through.

I am sorry though if I do come across as a downer lately, I really am trying desperately to pull myself up. I definitely would rather be hopeful than less, happy rather than sad, and optimistic rather than pessimistic. What we are up against has a way of feeling so darn overwhelming at times though. 

I have been going to counseling more these days than before. I don't feel totally depressed and I don't mope around, I keep going and try to make the best of our situation, I really do try to look at the bright, but sometimes things just feel so dark lately. And this month has not felt the best for obvious reasons. I do however still have fun, still go out, still laugh, still act a fool, but I have been crying more than normal and such too.

My counselor said I am finally grieving. She said I went into full protection mode over my mom and Gary at first and then dove straight into The Institute program, which didn't give us any time to think about anything else. She said the magnitude of everything that happened in such a short period of time finally hit me when we started to slow down and breathe. I'll tell you what, this grieving stuff can really feel terrible. I can't stand it and wish I could just wave my magic wand and poof ~ have it be over.

My friend Jen and I were talking the other day and I asked her if I should just stop talking about it, stop writing about it, just get over it. She said she doesn't think this is something I will ever get over and later sent me this quote. I feel this is the perfect time to post it.

"I have learned now that while those who speak about one’s miseries usually hurt, those who keep silent hurt more.” 

~ C.S. Lewis

In closing, I wanted to send my most sincere thank you to Blogger. Thank you for taking today to pick on me and screw up my formatting. I thank you from the absolute bottom of my heart ; )


  1. I don't think your blog should be anything but what it is suppose to be. For you it is to connect and also write down your feelings. YOu feel like crap and depressed even not being in your shoes everyone is going to see why you feel that way, who wouldn't. IF it helps you blog if it doesn't some days then don't. It should be whatever you need it to be.
    I had promblems with blogger today too.

  2. Happy Posts are overrated!
    :)Please be you,in it's many layers, on your journey. This blog isn't a performance, it is an outlet for you to express, release, whatever...

    That is what I have always seen, when visiting. A soundboard, full of precious, priceless, painful,joyful experience that puzzle a complex life.

    Be well on your journey.

  3. I think your posts are amazing! You have been dealt a rough ride, and if you blogged that it was all butterflies and rainbows...well we would all know you were masking things. Your honesty, passion, compassion, and vulnerabilities is what makes it so beautiful. I love you for showing that even when facing unimaginable blows, you can still take it one step at a time.
    We all love our family, but I do believe they should not try to make you pretend that everything is okay! Honey, hang in there, you are helping many.
    I am here if you need to vent! Will even drive down for a pow wow anytime! Love you, keep blogging!

  4. Hi Jen -- I read often but have never posted. I have a cosmic connection with my dogs (my 10 year-old beagle, in particular, is my heart-dog, much like your Kama) and I often ache for you, knowing the hole this boy will leave in my life when he is gone. There is little empathy in our culture for those who lose pets -- combined with the heartbreaking accident Aviana suffered, I can't imagine your pain. I think you are doing a fine job of trying to move forward and applaud you for seeking counseling -- I had wondered about that recently. You are often in my thoughts.

  5. Do you want to know something? One day, and we don't know when, but one day... you will actually be tired of being sad. You will be worn out and tired of it and you will be ready to move forward. And happier days will follow. But right now is your time to grieve. Do not rush it. Let it run it's course. Use this blog as your outlet. Be as "depressing" as you want here, lol... because we all care about you, and we are here for you during your ups and your downs. Writing HELPS! It does! It gets your words out there to express your thoughts. Thank God you have this outlet, Jen, because through it you find support. Here you find understanding. Your blog is a blessing. Don't ever stop writing your feelings, and do not worry about your readers -- write for YOU. So what if we get 10 posts in a row about you missing Kama, or you feeling very sad about Avi, or whatever else that's bringing you down! We are not here to be entertained, believe it or not. We are here because we care. We are here because we want to be, sad posts or not. You couldn't keep us away, even if you tried :)

    Hugs from me to you - real strong ones! the kind that crush your rib cage just a bit!

  6. I love your blog. It's only depressing because it's full of truth. And this truth can be depressing. I, like you, had a delayed grief. The first year we hit the ground running and kept our thoughts busy with the next best and biggest thing to help Christian heal. And then the second year hit. And down came the rain.

    This is a strange, never ending, ever blossoming grief. It's no longer grieving over the catastrophic accident. It's now grieving over the lack of progress, no smiles, a new seizure, it just branches out to new forms and levels of grief. Never ending.

    There's a quote from the movie, "The Help." (No, I didn't read the book because I'm not that hard core but I did see the movie and enjoyed it thoroughly.) The mother, sick with cancer, tells her daughter something like, "I woke up today and decided not to die." That line stuck with me and I think about it every time I hit a wall.

    After I finally let the grief come in waves, it was better. There was clarity. I tried to run from the bastard but he got me, he did, and he'll get me again. But I'm ready now. I've accepted to a degree and after you do that it's easier to put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

    I just got back from my retreat and I'm here to deliver a message to you, my friend, Jen. I met many ladies who've travelled our path, some had easier paths and some had much tougher. But all paths filled with heartache. They are further out from their accident then us but one thing I know for sure - there is life on the other side.

  7. Ditto! I can't add anything that hasn't been said. Part of what makes you special is that you're not phoney. I know that someday there will be sun along with the rain and I want to be here to rejoice with you.



    IMHO, your blog is NOT depressing. It.Is.Real.

    I completely seeing the 'grieving' aspect of your journey coming out now.

    GOOD FOR YOU to acknowledge it and let it come out.

    I was one of the the one's C.S. Lewis referred to as "Hurting more in silence" in regards to my dad's death when I was 20 yrs old.

    I am NOT exaggerating Jen...I lost 17 YEARS of "better" because I was SILENT about my pain, confusion, hurt.

    Grieve until there are not as many tears, until you feel a release, until you can remember with happiness.

    I love you,

  9. My thoughts? This is your blog for your journey, and if it's too depressing for some, then they should just not come here.

  10. Hi Jen,

    I agree with everyone else, this blog is for you, for your release, for your pain, for your happiness, etc... You have to talk about your thoughts whether good, bad, depressing, etc... Can you imagine how crazy you head would be going if you kept all this inside? I know if I were writing maybe my head would stop spinning so much! :)

  11. gfa....wrote....and then he sang his misery away
    when he was ready he spoke.....and when he was done he felt better.

    you speak your share your ups and your downs....your achievements your setbacks.......when you are done you will feel better too

    .....notice the similarities? h'mmmm <3

  12. and btw......there's no timeline of WHEN you will feel better.

    when you get there. you will just know it.