Sunday, April 4, 2010

As Long As You're Looking Back

As with every holiday that passes, it seems to be my tradition to post pictures of the previous years.

Why? There is no sense in that. There is no point in posting my favorite picture from last Easter, the one of Aviana and Zoe checking out “the goods” within the basket.

She is gone.

They are both gone.

Move on.

I need to not only listen to Gary Allan, but also, seriously internalize his words and bury them deep within my soul.

Got your feet wet
Got your heart broke
Didn't pan out
Like you hoped

But you played fair
And you swear that
Love had
The damn deck stacked

And you just won’t put it behind you
But you sit and you dwell on the past
Well, can’t you see, you can’t see tomorrow
As long as you're looking back

You had someone
You could count on
You believed in
Bet your life on

But your back turned
And the knife fell
You swear that
Is gonna be hell

Now you just cant trust anybody
Cause that friend was just a snake in the grass
Boy, can’t you see, you can’t see tomorrow
As long as you're looking back

You can't move on
Til you let go
Of what’s gone

No, you're never gonna trust anybody
If you sit here and you dwell on the past
Fool can't you see, you can’t see tomorrow
As long as you're looking back

Got your feet wet
Got your heart broke
Didn't pan out
Like you hoped

I want to thank everyone who posted such heartfelt, comforting thoughts to our family. I think I cried upon reading every single one. I honestly have had one of the worst weeks ever!

I really wanted to write some of you back and was either unable to or unable to comment on your blog. I need to somehow come up with a better way to comment back, it is frustrating me, because you write the best things and I come off as silent, when actually I have so much I want to say back!

Happy Easter! I hope everyone has a beautiful day today :o) 

** Did you notice, I didn't even yell at Blogger today?


  1. Good Morning Jen! I'm so glad you posted this morning! I may be ignorant to not know the singer you've quoted but his words are full of wisdom and truth! You are in my thoguths today sweetie as well as your hubby and beautiful Aviana. Happy Easter! Many (((hugs))) being sent your way!

  2. Happy Easter to the Hodder Family, :):)
    Well it's a new day full of hope even if there is no sunshine. Dave and Jen you both have been travelling down this winding road for awhile now and i'm truly sorry this had to happen to the two of you and your precious daughter. But there is a bright side to this and that is, she is still with you and teaching you now. You're learning all over again just what a joy she truly is. I know she is getting better all the time, just not as fast as we would like. I keep praying for her all the time that she will wake up and surprise you both with arms open and a big smile. You both are very strong and so is Aviana and this will all happen in her time, when she is ready. So just keep on with your love for GOD and your faith, all will work out in the end. And remember we love you guys.

    Becci & Angela

  3. it sucks. it sucks to look back. it sucks to look forward. it sucks to think about today. it sucks to have a holiday. it sucks to be sad. it sucks to grieve and have to live at the same time. sometimes it just plain sucks and there are no two ways about it.

  4. Jen,
    I like this passage in the song.
    And you just won’t put it behind you
    But you sit and you dwell on the past
    Well, can’t you see, you can’t see tomorrow
    As long as you're looking back

    It really speaks to things I am working on in my own life. Thank you, I needed that. :)

  5. There is such wisdom in that song. I'm so sorry you had such a tough week. I'm always thinking of your guys, and praying that Avi wakes up more and more as the days and weeks pass. It's a long process, Jen. A long one. It's so hard to be patient, and those days where you feel absolutely crappy about the whole thing ARE going to come. Be easy on yourself and just know that it's all part of the process.

    Happy Easter, Sweetie. I hope this next week is a better one for you!

  6. Jen, Last week I read your post and had no words for you only tears. I thought of you all week. So sorry your week just plain sucked. I hope your current week is much easier. Love ya, Sarah

  7. Good morning Jen. I can only say 'ditto' to the comments above. Life is such a mystery, isn't it. We can't guess today what kind of curve balls are coming at us for tomorrow and next week and beyond. The path you're walking right now seems to me to be among the toughest of them all. In my own world, I have walked with close family and friends who have suffered the loss of their children, their partners, their parents, their health and abilities – heartbreak of all shapes and sizes – and I marvel that they still stand up tall and keep moving forward. I suppose it's what we do. We take what comes, we look at it, we decide on the best course to take, and we walk on. If we could bottle the courage and fortitude that takes, we could make millions. :-)

    Jen, will you hug your daughter for me today? That beautiful little doll touches my heart so deeply, and I wish I could hug you both for myself.

    Sending thoughts, hugs and prayers to you and your family today!


  8. gfa rocks!

    like so many of his songs this one hits home....but we have to follow his example...we HAVE TO keep moving forward. it's not ALWAYS gonna be easy. but it's always gonna be something we have to are not on this road alone <3 we are with you...a shoulder to lean on...a hand to share the smiles the laughter and the tears <3


    I think I’ve had enough
    This time I’m givin’ in
    Without you it’s too rough
    So I’m standing here again
    I finally realize
    It’s love that never dies
    And I’m really not that tough
    No I’m really not that tough
    I think I’ve had enough


    She’s been gone about three years
    It’s been a long road and a million tears
    I’m movin slow but I’m movin on
    The sweetest memories still remain
    The laughter we had and the love that we made
    Every night I go to bed alone

    With no regrets
    A piece of mind
    Lived so much time in so little time
    I’m so glad when she was here
    She was mine
    From the day we met
    To the night she left
    I loved her, no regrets

    Well time and fate can't be controlled
    You play the hand that you’re dealt
    And the dice that you rolled
    And who might of questioned God anyway
    Well these days when I look back
    I know I’m blessed to be loved like that
    I still miss her everyday

  9. I've never looked at this song that way. I'm so sorry for your loss. No Regrets packs a punch as well.

    Glad to meet another GFA fan your blog post will be linked to in my "GFA Web Wednesday's" this week.

  10. DDBBmom~

    I hope you somehow get this message. I follow your blog and have tried to comment to you on numerous occasions and am unable with every attempt.

    I have wanted to say so many times how sorry I am about your beautiful little boy. When you post about anniversaries, etc. I so wanted to write to you!

    I also wanted to thank you so very much for your comments and for following along!


  11. You are an amazing mom, wife and woman. I wish I could convey to you how much I admire you. I do not know how you do what you do. You are an inspriration to us all. Prayers are being said for you and your daughter. You are amazing. Love, Beya