Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Outside Looking In

I would like to start by saying, if Blogger had a neck, I would wrap my hands firmly around and choke it out!!!!! 

OK, now back to our regularly scheduled program.......

transitive verb

  1. to depict or impress sharply and distinctly

    1. worked into the fiber
    2. firmly fixed or established

    Sometimes definitions are the only way I can fully describe the way I feel.

    I have had a really rough last few days. I feel like some sort of machine is sucking me in. I am trying to run the other way, but the sheer force is slowly, but surely absorbing all of me.

    I can kind of pinpoint the beginning of my downward spiral, but not entirely. There is so much more to it than just this.

    My brother, Dave, Aviana, Zander, Kama and I went to the park on Saturday. Seems like a nice plan, right? We usually take Aviana and Kama on a walk, but decided to play "Chuck It" with the dogs instead.

    I picked up Aviana's wheelchair at the beginning of January and have seen her in it, oh maybe one million times. This time was different.

    We had positioned her on the walkway, just on the edge of the field, so she could watch the dogs chase the ball.

    She looked adorable. Cute little outfit, Hello Kitty hat, pink sunglasses, etc.

    I wandered off about 10 feet down the sidewalk and when I turned back, I snapped a picture with my mind. Until I breathe my last breath, this single image will be permanently etched into my brain.

    Beautiful Avi, strapped, right smack in the middle of all of the twisted, monstrosity of metal, also known as a wheelchair.

    With each step closer, visions of her as she used to be, advanced.

    We would throw the ball, and her and Kama would frantically chase after it. Kama would continue. Once Avi realized she was no match in speed, she would immediately turn into a drunken sailor. Giggling and running in circles all around the field. As Kama would make her way back, Avi would run full force at her. They would collide and Avi would happily fall to the ground. Only to get up and do it all over again.

    Now, she sits at the edge of the grass, unable to smile, giggle, laugh, run, anything. She sits in her contraption and watches Kama and Zander run like crazy.....only to continue sitting there.

    How must that feel? What must she think?

    I sure know how I feel and I sure as hell know what I think.

    Does she hurt like I do?

    I say a silent prayer that she doesn't, yet does.

    Does, only in order to motivate her to get better!


  1. your words paint a portrait of your pain...bringing tears rolling down my cheeks.

    sending prayers & pvs (and lots of (((((HUGS))))!) your way.....everyday is an accomplishment. sometimes measured quickly by leaps & bounds other days only by the slow deliberate snail's trail from where you started to where you are as the sun goes down.

    me ke aloha pumehana

  2. heart hurts for you so much. I think of that vision and my heart just breaks for a mother, I cannot imagine the hurt that you feel when you look at that beautiful girl and want so much for her future. Please don't give up..GOD has a plan..until then..we are all here to listen and share your pain with you. I am praying for you all and sending great big hugs your way.

  3. There is a soul within that little body. Even if she can't express herself with words she is encouraging and touching so many people. One day, even if not on this earth, she will run again. I'm sure that day seems so far off right now but supposedly our life here is but a fraction of the time we will spend in heaven.
    I'm one that struggles with my faith, a lot, and I question...a lot. But when I come here and see Avianna and hear about her I KNOW and I BELIEVE.
    I'm sorry if none of this is helping and I know that you are the ONLY one who knows how this feels. But try to live in the present. Do you do Yoga or meditation? I know that helps me to be present and just live in the here and now.



  4. first of all Jen, I want to say that I missed you the last few days! Secondly- take it all out on "Blogger"- you'll feel better and - well who cares how "blogger" feels!!!!
    thirdly- I only wish that I (and I am sure lots of others feel this way too!) could give you a great big hug and take your pain away. I can't imagine how you feel but please know that so many people have been touched by your amazing journey. That may not bring you peace right now or take away your sadness. Your family is so special to so many- so many prayers float up to heaven daily for you!!!

  5. I've been following your blog for quite a while now and I just wanted to let you know that your family is continually in my prayers. I can't even begin to imagine what a physical and emotional toll this journey is taking on you all. Your strength, even in your moments of weakness, is awe inspiring. You are a warrior for your little girl.

    I was also wondering something. I don't think I've ever seen mention of what happened to the driver who hit Avianna and Gary. Were charges brought? I've just always wondered about that.

    Prayers and hugs,

    Karen in GA
    Mommy to 2 Guatemalan Boys

  6. Jill said it all for me above. I pray that this trip to PA will restore you and provide some light at the end of this dark tunnel.

  7. You have probably already been giving this information but felt compeled to share. There is a little boy who we are praying for that is going through an intense therapy and seeing much progress its through the institute of for achieving Human Potential. They train parents and groups to care for brain injury and have amazing success stories. Here is their website

    We have suffered much in times of trial. Our fourth child, was born with a heart defect and spent his two years of life battling. After 17 surgeries he passed away in my arms. How my heart aches for you as you hold your daughter and grieve for what she and your family has lost. We are praying for you.

    Terri Grabb

  8. I am so sorry for your pain. I worry about Dave. You have blogger. What keeps him going? Take care of each other. I don't think Aviana feels pain. May God grant you peace. Plan a holiday w/ your family, celebrate your health, your marriage, the beauty around you. Don't let this catastrophe define your life. You can't rewind life only move forward. All your love and all your therapy helps but your long ago Avi cannot come back. Get help in her day to day care so there is something of you left at the end of the day. You're saving Aviana's life, please save yours too.

  9. Jen- Since this last post of yours I cannot stop thinking about you and your husband. I wanted to wish you a happy Easter. I hope that you are able to enjoy the day and not be saddened by what Aviana was like last year at this time although I know that is only natural that you miss and ponder over it. My prayers are with you, Dave and Aviana.

  10. Dear Jen, I am saying prayers for you and Dave to have strength. Your last question regarding how Aviana feels and perceives her experiences has hit me deeply (of course). Some day, I pray, you and her will be able to sit together, having lunch and discuss how she perceived the time where you gave her everything you had and she dreamed to hold you tightly and love you back. I can only send you my love, as a fellow Guate Adoptive Mom. My love, hopes and prayers are yours for the taking. Happy Easter Aviana, Jen and Dave. -Jennifer, Rob and Sophia

  11. I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you today as I'm sure on the eve of Easter you are feeling much pain and saddness wishing your sweet girl could hunt for eggs and hug the Easter bunny as she did before. I'm sorry as I know it is very, very painful. I too had a son who was capable then lost most of his abilities. It hurts so bad, but over time I learned to find joy in exactly who he became without longing for who he used to be. But for you today I am sending you a big HUG and lots of love as you were on my heart tonight.
    A mother of 4, one born in Guatemala and one in Heaven...Denise

  12. Thinking of you Jen. Praying for you and your family. That your pain is lessened with each passing day.