Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Bit The Bullet

It all started with the ever-growing mountain of signs pointing in the direction of being cooped up way too long. Below are just a few, of the many signs.

1. Excessive talking to oneself. Well, actually talking to Kama and Aviana, but by all accounts, appear to be talking to myself. I suppose the question here is, if no one answers back, is that considered talking to yourself? I choose to think not.

2. The same outfit seems to jump out at me everyday. My jeans actually beg me to wear them again and again. From bended knee, they look up and plead, “No one ever sees you, no one will even notice, I promise you.”

3. Daily games of hide and seek with a certain yellow lab. The clencher is, when she finds me, I jump out and say, “Boo!” I scare her about 35% of the time and it makes my day to see a 96-pound dog jump a little! Don’t knock it till you try it :o)

4. In a music library of 14,733 songs and 41.3 days of constant music, I have turned the machine over time and again, to the point of needing more and more songs.

5. Walking around the house inventing things that need to be cleaned, which has lead to hauling the ladder in and out of the house on numerous occasions.

6. It has been a hobby of mine to capture and set moths free my entire life. I have recently met the most challenging case in my history. I have been following this particular beauty around the house for about a week now. I quickly realized this moth will not land and stay long enough for me to capture it, ever so gently, (you know not to touch the dust and render it helpless forever) and set it free into the outside world. Last Thursday I came so very close, but ended up empty handed :o( Maybe he enjoys our lifestyle and doesn’t want to leave. That’s the conclusion I have been left with.

7. And the 7th and most important reason for “Biting the Bullet”…… therapy to the point of insanity. Did you know such a thing was possible? You probably saw this coming long ago. I’m a little slow, and seem to think I can handle it all.

I love my time alone. Alone, alone, alone! I am not a fan of people in my personal space for extended periods of time.

Example 1:

I get major anxiety when the people come to clean the carpets.

Example 2:

I start pacing around the house even if people are working on the outside.

Example 3:

I won’t even talk about it here…. you can just stick me right in the weirdo category. You know, where I belong.

Needless to say, this decision and implementation was a huge part of my awful past week. I was wracked with anxiety, grief, anger, nervousness, sadness, you name it, I experienced it!

The thought of someone else caring for Aviana makes me sick to my stomach. 

Trust me, I am thankful for the opportunity, but at the same time, I am equally horrified.

By now, you may be asking yourself, "What's the moral of this long, drawn out story?"


5 days a week.

8 hours a day.

Big bullet to bite. Right?


  1. That is a big bullet to bite. Will the nurse help with Avi's program? Patterning and all that?

    We used to have a house cleaner that came in just once a week. I couldn't take it. It's not that I don't like my house cleaned -- I do! But it was just having someone there all day...lurking around, doing various things in my house. It gave me the creeps. I felt like I couldn't say or do things that I normally would say or do. And it was just one day a week. I couldn't imgaine having someone 5 days a week. But you know something? If you need this, then you should give it a try. You might get a wonderful nurse who you bond with over time. Then she won't be like having a stranger, but a friend, there all the time.

  2. BRAVO!!!!! i KNOW it's difficult to let go of control....afterall WHO can care for aviana better than you? ............the answer is this:

    no one can LOVE HER better than one can do it even half as well.............BUT properly trained & skilled persons CAN help with her care and daily routines

    giving you some time to 'get away' and recharge your batteries so that you can come back to her and give her the 110% (is there such a thing as one million percent?) that you do so well

    i know how difficult it is to trust others, to let go of the reins, relinquish control and let someone else do the 'driving' ....only today i just came to the realization that i am a TOTAL CONTROL FREAK (not a good thing!)

    i am so very proud of you for biting the bullet!
    <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

  3. Jen- I am so proud of you! I had a feeling something was brewing last week with you - something big- all too quiet and then BOOM- very powerful posts- even left me sleepless a few times. I know that it is very hard to (as my mom says) "take your finger off the control button"( I, being a person whose finger will probably have to be surgically removed from it!) but it can be liberating too! You will see that by giving this up you will gain a whole lot! As another poster said you need to take care of yourself or you won't have anything left at the end of the day to give to Dave or Aviana. You can't do it all day, every day , all the time. Trusting others can be so hard- but this is a BIG step and I am so happy for you that you were able to do this!!!!
    And now you can go back to conspiring against your mortal enemy...your nemesis......BLOGGER
    (((hugs))) to you!

  4. Jen -

    If it will help you maintain your sanity, DO IT! Sure, it would be a little strange at first. But once you settle in, having a little break will be good for you. Plus, you wouldn't be talking to yourself. :)

    Love you!

  5. I'll be praying you find just the right person/fit for your family.

  6. Good for you! You and your husband are in this for the long haul. If you're unsure of your decision today, I think you will look back at this as the best thing for all of you. Hugs to you! I don't know you (in RL), but I think about you everyday!


  7. I know this is a difficult decision. My heart is heavy, thinking about how difficult things have been for you since the accident. I think bringing a nurse in will be more think having another advocate for Aviana. Another advocate for you. You will get a chance to get some "you" time, so you can have more energy and focus for her. Yikes, I can not even begin to imagine what you are going through, and this does just suck that you have to make these decisions. It isn't fair. But we are all pulling for you. Love ya, and thinking of you constantly, Shannon

  8. Jen,
    I am SO glad to hear it! I know that it is extremely hard. It will get better quickly once you settle into the new routine and realize that you are doing what is the ultimate best thing for Avi and your family as a whole. Please don't fight it and allow yourself to feel RELIEF!

  9. WHOA! That is one, big, giant move..... and I'm so relieved for you!!!! I can't imagine what it will be like for you, but I sure as hell hope it works out great. About damn time something go right for you!

  10. Hi Jen,

    I don't have much else to say beyond what everyone has posted, but I did want to lend one more voice of support (and respect - you truly are a model of "grace under fire," even with this being a role nobody would wish on anybody.)

    Separate from all of that, I'm just so happy to see a new post after the last one, and to realize that you are there, OK (given the situation), with your keen wit in tact! I found myself checking my Blackberry neurotically--looking for signs of Jen!

    Lots of love from the East Coast,

  11. p.s. - on a separate note related to your opening point about talking to yourself----I used to have a different small dog (not the one we have now) and she wore a small collar almost all the time, with two tags - her ID, and her local registration that was required. The two tags would jingle together, so that was her sound to me. I used to speak to her all the time, but on more than one occasion, when I'd remove her collar and hold it in my hand absentmindedly moving my arm, I'd find myself talking to it. The jingle sound was such a trigger to me that she was there, that even just hearing it made me start talking to her, whether she was nearby or not. Fortunately, she never told anybody else about this, even when she'd slip back into the room and find me engaged in lively discussion with her dog tags.

  12. Big step! Very proud! I know you can do it! =)

    Thanks for all of your kind/compassionate words on FB about my bubba, Normy!! I know you know you've been there!

    Love you, cuz!! You'll do great!


  13. Oh Jen. It is a tough thing to have someone there at first. It's odd and uncomfortable. At first. If you have to tie your leg to the piano, let her do what she's trained and hired to do. I'll bet she'll be wonderful at it. And as has been said, she can never love on Avi like you do - but she doesn't have to. You can do that. Just don't make the mistake I did. I had a homecare nurse come in to look after me and my three very small children after a surgery about 37 years ago. I could NOT let her do anything that I considered to be my job. She watched TV or took off with her boyfriend while I looked after my kids and home. One day she didn't show up at all, and begged me not to narc on her. It was okay with me. I didn't like having her in my space. OH TO HAVE IT TO DO OVER AGAIN. I would try harder to give up that control, and I would just go paint my nails, or read a book or have a nap.

    You will do better than I did.

    Love and hugs to you and your family.


  14. I say "ditto" to all the commets above. There must be a range of emotions, but I think it is great that you have opened up to taking this step! Remember, you don't have to leave your house for every single hour if you don't want to. You can play in your garden, go to the grocery story, get a pedicure, and still be home in the afternoon while the nurse is there! You can have the nurse join you on outings so you have an extra hand at the mall! Take if from someone who used to jump at the chance to return a movie to Hollywood video when her husband stepped foot in the door.....:)

  15. just do it! Go back to work. Talk to real people that don't have a brain damaged child. Engage yourself in the real world, become whole, you can do it, Dave will love you for it, just do it.

  16. We recently got a nurse for Caden and it was (and still is) a little hard for me. It's awkward to hand over care of my precious son to another person. It's a little uncomfortable to share your house with another person 5 days/week. But if you find the right nurse, it does help! Just knowing that I can actually go to the grocery store and know he's in good hands does help. I was on overload myself with all his therapies and appointments. You can do it and it will give you a little time to yourself! Good for you!