Monday, July 11, 2011

My Wish

I left a very important 'to be continued' out there. It wasn't that I had forgotten about it, I just hadn't gotten around to articulating exactly what I wanted to say. I am going to try to pick up where I left off.

By the time of the accident, Aviana and I had come far in our relationship together, but not as far as I felt we needed to be, in order to weather the storm ahead. Once they told us she would be much like a baby, and that we would have to start all over again, I had some extreme freak out moments.

Because our foundation was so incredibly unstable to begin with, doubt was finding its way in. I was terrified that I had just simply come to love her personality, her smile, her voice, her mannerisms, and her independence. If indeed, all of that was stripped away, would I still be able to successfully care for her every need? If all of what makes a person....was gone, would I still be able to love her? 

There was one single prayer that I threw onward and upward, over and over again.  It was not that she would walk, talk, etc, but that I would love her dearly and deeply.  I knew if that single prayer was answered, everything would be alright. I knew I would be able to love, and care for her for a lifetime.

I was granted that one very important wish, and for that I am eternally grateful. As long as I had a profound love for her, I knew nothing else truly mattered.  Everything else is gravy. 

Sure, I want her to do all things possible, and that is why we have given our lives over to her rehabilitation, but I know, if nothing comes of it, I will be okay. She will be okay. We will be okay.


  1. I find it amazing the way God will put good into an evil event.

    My family has lived through several evil events...whether they be single events but cause lasting problems, or ongoing illnesses, or useless conflict that divides and tears an extended family apart.

    But in EVERY SINGLE case of "YUK"...My Precious God has somehow poured some GOOD into the "YUK" to make it more palatable.

    I differ with a LOT of the church elite in that I think Evil has it's own power in this world (called sin but it shows itself as all sorts of things like cancer, car accidents, terrorism, etc. It isn't necessarily SIN in a PERSON but SIN that is all over the daggone world).

    I think God, since we have free will to love Him or not, and we've chosen "not"....has to let Evil have it's way at times.


    I do think that, like 9/11 or Avi's incident...Evil has a force that must be dealt out in this world.

    BUT...BUT...BUT...God loves us and hates when we hurt and finds amazing ways to get us THROUGH the evil that, sometimes, cannot be avoided.

    God has done this for me when I had SEVERE post-placement depression with our second adoption. What God came of it? EMPATHY. After I conquered the adoption...I now have a deep and vast resevoir of empathy for depression sufferers...even though I was raised in a church where one should just "pray through depression and not succumb to medication". well...whatever. Meds are good :)

    We had a disrupted adoption of our first Guatemalan daughter, "Story". My heart is still healing from that loss. My Aven is my healing balm. What good did God bring from that? For one, AVEN!, but another was the recognition that not all adoptions are "warm and fuzzy" and that I need to reach out to others when they are adopting to make sure they know the "seedy under-belly" of loss, and paperwork, and how hard the wait is, and all the dumb questions people ask you about your "waiting baby".

    Lastly (well..the last one I will post about b/c surely you are done with me..I'm pretty sick of me at this point :)....

    I was almost killed 3 years ago my a semi-truck that sped out of control and onto a sidewalk in Chicago. I was on that sidewalk, along with four of my best friends. Two people, not my friends, were killed, One was a lovely 18 yr old girl RIGHT beside me..I was the last one to see her alive.

    How the heck has God poured good into that?

    My husband. I learned to accept his help. To be weak. To cry in front of him. To acknowledge my sense of disquiet, to tell him I was not mentally let him guide me during the intense times of emotional and physical pain. (Whereas I was "SUPERWOMAN" and really only needed a husband when I decided i needed a husband, kwim?)

    Our relationship, though that accident has brought us through hell and high water in the form of post traumatic stress, self-medicating with alcohol (me...not him :), mental challenges..., our relationship has NEVER EVER EVER been stronger.

    Who knew? God :)


    I LOVE that God gave you your wish my luv. He is awesome like that.

    Yet, I have have a feeling that God has A LOT more prayers to answer on you and your family's behalf. there's learning in the journey...even when it sux.

    Luv ya Lots,

  2. This comment is more of a referral that reminds me of what you are describing at the Institute.... Watch the video when you have time. I am no expert of your situation, but I sure think about you, your hubby and beautiful
    Aviana, often.
    "Machine trains paralysis patients walk again"

  3. btw, I love that you were able to verbalize with honesty, a fear of any Mommy via Adoption. Every situation is different. I totally get you on this post. :) Thank God the answer was there. True love never faileth.

  4. I love this blog. I am so happy for you.

  5. I think, in the end, love is all that really matters and when you have that you are Okay....more than Okay!