Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Deeper Level

I have always been an emotionally charged person. I am a bleeding heart in many ways, and have always been deeply affected by the hardships of another. Sad events around the world weigh heavily on my heart. Things changed after the accident though.

Because of what we have been through in the last 18 months alone, I am already emotionally fragile, and then when I see something like....

the devastation within Japan,

or a child fighting a horrible disease,

or an animal being hurt in any way,

or a homeless person on the streets,

or a person fighting any sort of addiction,

or an injustice within my very own family,

etc, etc.

I am hit in a way I have never known before. I carry these occurrences in my heart on a much deeper level than I ever thought possible.


  1. It does change you. That empathy and compassion isn't such a bad thing. :)

  2. Here is a situation where we are night and day. Before sissy got sick I felt in my heart when something bad happened to other people. When the atrocity in Tianimen Square happened I literally was in bed, sobbing, for two days. I was flying high the day Nelson Mandela was finally released from Robbin Island. I wanted to get a tattoo of 46664 when I was 14. When a former co-workers husband was suddenly killed about four years ago I felt it in my bones, I mourned with her in the safety of my home. I knew I had no right to her grief and I understood that but I took it very hard. My heart was open that hearing and seeing the evil ways of the world hurt me deeply.

    After May 3, 2009, my heart sealed up. I had to save it and use it all up on my family. Here we are, almost 2 years since our world was turned inside out and shaken upside down and my heart is still closed. Once in a while someone will wiggle their way in (you and Aviana are a prime example!) and it opens to you but to everyone else I say "I'm so sorry, that must be horrible" but in the back of my mind I'm thinking "and how exactly does that person having her parents in a minor car accident where nobody was hurt help me? How does it effect me? It doesn't so I guess I really don't give a shit." HORRIBLE of me, I know, but true nonetheless. I feel for the people in Japan but my heart doesn't weep for them as it would have in the past. My heart is empty and is unable to weep, the tears are gone. I have nothing left to give other than to my immediate family and people I have chosen to become my extended family, such as yourself.

    I love you Jen, even though you may hate me now!

  3. ps, LOVED, LOVED, LOVED the Aviana video!!!!I only go through about the first 30 seconds of it before I had to pick up Valentina but I LOVED it!!!! You are doing a fantabulous job!!!!! Love you lots.

  4. Hi Jen, this is Joel (the one who used to work with your husband). Though I haven't posted here directly, I'm an avid reader of your blog and I completely hear you on this one. The world is full of heartache and it can be overwhelming at times, wanting everything to change but knowing you're only one person who can only enact so much change. You've captured this very well. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you!

  5. So true. It's like seeing the world through a different lens. I think it's the one we are supposed to see through.

  6. Although empathy is a wonderful trait, I think for you, you should try to avoid bad news for awhile. I made it a point a few years ago to completely stop watching the news, reading about sad events, etc. It was a conscious decision because I knew what it was doing to me. I would think way to too much about sadness. Which in turn made me anxious, worried, sad. There is no room in your life to have anymore sad. I know that you can't avoid it altogether, but you can try to shield yourself at least to a degree. Right now you need to hear things that lift you up, up ,up! Fill you days with things and thoughts that only bring a smile. :) :)