Thursday, December 16, 2010

Advice Please

There are a handful of thoughts that have a way of instantly bringing tears to my eyes.  I would appreciate your advice on one in particular.

As I have mentioned before, Aviana was blessed with the best foster family while in Guatemala.  The love they felt for her was evident in their every move. They cared for her from the time she was 3 days old, until almost exactly 11 months of age.

The moment I met them, I knew I loved them.   The day we met, and they handed this beautiful little girl over to me, I vowed to always keep in touch, and had up until the accident.

My every thought of them now is surrounded by so many questions. It was an easier decision for me right after the accident, I had made up my mind that it was better to leave them with the beautiful, sweet, perfect brained child in their mental picture, than to advise them of our stark reality. As hard as it was, I had decided to proceed as though we had just lost contact!

As time has passed, I am having mixed feelings again.

Should I leave them, and let them picture only wonderful, healthy thoughts of Aviana?


Should I write them, and let them know what has happened?

Like clockwork, this family has a way of bringing me to tears. I feel like I am shattering their dreams, just as mine were. I know how I feel, and don't want anyone else to go through those same emotions.

I would really appreciate your advice, insight, and thoughts.

Thank you! 


  1. Jen- I totally understand your dilemma and it is a choice only you can make but here is my two cents...... Rather than make them wonder what has happened to Aviana and if she is still safe and loved, you should tell them. This pain is not just yours to carry nor should you burden yourself with shouldering it alone. They love her and if it was me I would want to know. Wishing you peace as you comtemplate this decision.

  2. Hi Sweetie,

    I agree with Annie. It is your decision to make, but I too, would want to know. I would rather KNOW what happened than always WONDER what happened. I know that you are trying to save them from any pain, but not knowing may be causing them pain as well. Either way, it is tough but having more people in Avi's corner could be a good thing - more people supporting her, praying for her, rooting her on and just loving her.

    Loving you ♥

  3. I've written you in the past and I may have said that I'm a fosterparent and have been for about 30 years. I don't mean to tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I'd want you to do if Aviana was one of "my" babies. I'd want to know. If I suddenly stopped hearing from you, I'd wonder what I did to stop getting updates. I'd want to be another cheerleader for Aviana. I'd want to hear about how she's doing and how you're doing. If they love her, they'll love her as she is.

    Hugs to you as you figure this out.


  4. What a hard decision to make. I completely understand your feelings of wanting to spare them the pain you are going through. However, I agree with everyone else... if it were me, I would want to know. My prayers are with you as you make this choice.


  5. This is a personal decision, but since you are requesting advice, I would say, that loved her before you met her. They loved her when they put her in your arms. And looking at these pictures, leads me to believe, they still love her and probably think of her often. They will always love her and while it will probably hurt to hear what's transpired, they will still love her. You will be giving them the gift of watching her grow up. . maybe it's a different view than what they would have expected, but nontheless, a gift. A big gift. Avi is a big gift.

  6. As hard as it is telling them, I believe too that they would want to know. This was an accident, by no fault of yours, which can surely happen to anyone and in this case it happened to someone that they know and love. It is horrible, but it is what happened and what is happening every single day. I am sure that they will be heartbroken to say the least, but at the same time will rally around her and see her progress and be inspired by her and you as well. It really is a hard choice to make, it is not something that you ever want to say to someone.

  7. I think they would want to know they can love you, support you, love Avi, support Avi...Avi needs all her angels surrounding her with love and prayer and this family would offer that. She is still their beautiful foster child and love her and you unconditionally. HARD decision...I totally understand but I agree with everyone here. Peace and love to you Jen....hugs!

  8. I am so sorry that this is another emotion and issue you have to deal with in Avi's healing. I agree with everyone, that you should let them know. However, you have to make sure that it is the right time for YOU, and that you can handle telling them. They should know, so they can pray for her and continue to love her and her "forever family", but you are dealing with so much right now that you need to do this when you feel it is right. Hopefully it will be a tiny weight off your chest to give the information. Hey, another family praying and supporting the Hodders can't hurt!

  9. Maybe you also feel scared that they will be disappointed in you? Or that you, somehow, did something wrong by Avianna?

    As much love as you say they showed a foster child, they must surely be amazing and understanding people.

    They, given their history as generous and understanding people, would, seemingly, only want to know and be aware of how to keep you in their thoughts and prayers.

    Do not be concerned about them feeling you did something wrong by "their" foster daughter...

    You were an amazing Mom the day before the accident and you were an amazing Mom the day after.

    I believe they would like to be included in Avianna's journey...


  10. Jen, I agree with Annie, almost my exact thoughts:) sending courage your way to be comfortable with your decision.

  11. Jen, I can't imagine how hard that conversation will be for all of you..but I agree, I think they would want to know. They were her first family. They love her and once you love someone, it's forever. Include them so that they can pray for her and support you and all of your family.! They will rally around her and love her even more! God bless you as you make this tough decision.

  12. I think that if I were in the situation, I'd let them know. It would be a painful thing to do, but cathartic in a way. You didn't do anything to cause this accident. Writing this letter might help let loose the grip of the guilt that you still feel. Let them know how many strides she has made, and where she is today. Life happens, and I'm sure they'd be glad for news rather than wondering.


    Love ya Jen!

  13. You know what, sweetie? I think that on some subconscious level, you always knew the answer. I think you always somehow knew that one day you would share the story with Avi's foster family. It's a matter of getting to the point where you are ready to share it. And maybe now is that time, since you were ready to even ask the question. Avi has made such great strides and, if she could tell you, I think she would want these lovely people to be adding their prayers to yours. Good luck. Your family is amazing, and your journey should one day become a book of hope and inspiration for others.

    Hugs to all of you.


  14. If I Were Avianna's Foster Family..I would want to know. They loved her before, and they will still love her now.
    I agree with all those who said that the More people you have supporting Avianna, and Being in her corner..THE BETTER!!
    Never for a Minute blame yourself for what has happened to your Beautiful Daughter...It's called an Accident for a reason.
    By the way...I LOVE YOUR TREE!!!!!!! The story is AMAZING!! The tree truly fits your family well!!! The tree is beautiful...Just like your family!!!

  15. As hard as it would be for them to hear, its better then them wondering. I think you should tell them, they will know that she is still loved and that she still has a wonderful family that is doing all they can for her. I'm sure they will completely understand why you haven't been able to tell them sooner. the choice of course is yours but I would let them know and let them know of all the progress she truely has made.