Saturday, December 25, 2010

Blue Christmas

I had an entire "Merry Christmas" post all ready for you, complete with thank you's and holiday cheer, but I can't tell a lie, I am extraordinarily blue today.

I have been sick in bed for the past 3 1/2 days. With being sick, I was blessed with being completely restless, and unable to sleep. I spent much of the time crying over Aviana, and Kama.

Due to my illness, we have missed our usual trip to Tahoe, and feel completely out of sorts.

I can't help but reflect on our Christmas past in Tahoe, where both Aviana, and Kama were nothing but vibrant, and healthy.

What I am left with now, is a giant, gaping hole in my heart.

I am sorry to post this today, but I have a hard time being nothing but honest when I write.

In the past few days, I have been focusing on what is gone, and having the hardest times finding all of the blessings in my life.

I am missing both Aviana, and Kama more than I could ever truly express.....


  1. It takes time, Jen. I'm so sorry that you're sick and unable to go up to Tahoe. That makes for a trifecta of crappiness. It'll feel a little better as time goes on. I just opened a box of my grandma's knitting stuff that was packed up when she died almost 16 days ago. Those emotions came flooding back as if it had just happened yesterday. Time doesn't take away the pain, but it kind of tucks it into a spot where you don't have to think about it as much. It's easier there.

    We have a little something for you, so I'll drop it by when we're out and about. :) (Seriously, don't feel the need to reciprocate.)

  2. Oh Jen, I'm so so so sorry. I know I keep saying this but I don't know what else to say and I know I can't do anything to make it better. I CANNOT imagine what you are going through. It sucks to be missing what you DON'T have on Christmas. I'm so sorry and if it's any comfort (which I know it isn't) Christmas kinda sucks for us too. I love you.

  3. I wish there was something to say or something to do that would brighten your day, but I'm sure what you need is not something any of us can give. I wish it was different.
    Christmas love and hugs,

  4. Thinking of your family today... sad to read this. :(. Hope the coming days are better in every way!

  5. Sending you a Christmas wish that peace and joy will be a part of your world soon. I am thinking of you and wishing you well today and always.

  6. Oh Jen. I'm so sorry. Sorry that you aren't well, had to change your plans, and for the biggest sadness in your heart. I hope you get better, and your state of mind is able to shift somewhat. And PLEASE don't think that you "wasted" Christmas, or that it was "ruined". It is a day on the calendar, and can be forgotten in a few days, or repeated if you want it to be. Love You!

  7. I just knew in my heart today that you were hurting. I felt you heavy on my mind...prayed for you in silent sentences to God throughout the day.

    Christmas is a blast for functioning, healthy, families ... others struggle.

    Our family has a MAJOR issue now that is keeping loved ones virtually isolated from each other. Alot of hurt and confusion ... which causes the Christmas cheer to fade and be replaced with a feeling of resentment that we can't have what others have....

    Our lives are our own. They are not always easy (or anywhere near it) and seem to feel more like a rollercoaster ride than a ride in the country I think.

    But..without the pain/loss/crying/questioning .... we would not be who we are now.

    i HATE the pain in my family. the struggle of one of my children have. the loss over my twin living in India and being only cyberly present ... it sux. my Dad's death.

    But..I (and you) are more empathetic, appreciative, sensitive, understanding, calm, strong, organized, and real as for having gone (and continuing to travel through) PAIN.

    thinking of you and yours...

  8. btw - you won't read of this family 'pain' on my blog out of respect for those involved but...if you read between the will see it.

    It has been there for awhile now...and is still eating away at my heart. It is shocking what "loved ones" will do to each other.

    just wanted to clarify..


  9. I'm sorry to hear that you are sick on Christmas, and that you've missed your Tahoe trip :( Such a bummer!
    I'm sorry you are missing the "old" Aviana, and your doggie -- your "old" life is something that you are still mourning. This is normal. It will get better, and I know how impossible that sounds, but it IS true. Time. Time doesn't "heal" all wounds, but it just dulls them a bit. Right now you still are remembering your old life so strongly, and you miss it fiercely. One day, your "new" normal will be your normal...and it will be the only normal you know, with your "old" normal being only a distant memory. That is when the pain of it all goes into hiding and life becomes joyful again, on a daily basis. Not to say the sadness isn't still there -- it is, but it's in the far corners of your mind instead of right there up front.

    Jen, I wish you all the best in 2011 -- good health for everyone, more recovery for Avi, fun days with your new puppy, and good times spent with your husband. Most of all, I wish you peace in your heart.

  10. I was checking in after holiday hiatus, with the blogs I follow. Your blog being the first and me unable to give adequate response to your post, moved to my next most followed blog. A blog of struggle, too. A woman nearly burned to living death and survived.

    Anyways, I felt like she wrote her most current post to you directly. So, I came back with a link. I think, if I told you the things she writes in her blog, it would be trite. Because, my struggle has never measured yours nor hers. But, I think you both have more common ground and that the sincerity of her words will ring through for you. Take care.