Friday, August 28, 2009

Stupid Girl

This describes my actions of yesterday to a tee. There are certain things I am NOT strong enough to do. I know very well what they are and have avoided them like the plague. I talk to myself, I tell myself:

- do not go to the gym

- do not go to the scrapbook store

- do not watch any sort of video of Aviana

- do not look at her scrapbooks

- do not go to the accident scene

- do not read the police report

I broke my very own rule, I knew better!

It all started when I decided to video tape Aviana’s therapy the other day. I pushed play to make sure I was able to record on the current tape. There she was. In the flesh. The most beautiful little girl, so incredibly full of life... and love!

I broke down. I lost it. I quickly told myself....there is no crying in the physical therapy room, especially if Aviana is not crying :o)

The very next day, what did I do... I sat and watched, and cried, and watched, and cried, and watched some more. What was I trying to do to myself? I couldn't stop! I was out of control! She was perfect. A perfectly healthy brain. A perfectly healthy body. A perfect smile. A perfect little voice. Perfectly moving limbs. So smart, so cute, so sweet, so everything. Wonderful in every possible way.

I miss and love her so very much!


  1. I can feel you pain. Im so sorry you have to go through this. I wish there was words I could type that would make you feel better. I too would cry if I watching those videos and she isnt even my child. I say a prayer everyday for her. I even have my daughter say a prayer with me. I go on your blog every day and my daugher will say is that the little girl we are praying for. She is only 4 so she fully doesnt understand but she prays with me every night. My thoughts are with you. Mindy

  2. Jen, You were dreaming. Dreaming and hoping for what you want for Aviana. It's okay to cry too.

  3. I know. My heart breaks for you and your family. To have to go through this and is so horrific. Unimaginable. Just allow yourself to feel every emotion and don't be afraid to look back at what was, because what was was beautiful and real. It is a process, as you know, and very healthy to look back and ahead. You do have a bright future ahead of you, it may be different but look ahead with as much optimism as possible. You are so strong!

  4. It breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes to read your post too. You are so strong. I cannot imagine going through what you have. Avianna is here and you are strong, supportive parents. Constantly praying for all of you.

  5. I can imagine doing the same thing...and knowing I wouldn't handle it well---I mean, you innocently came upon the old footage---it had to be nearly impossible not to revisit---she is that same girl, her soul, her preciousness; I am so sorry you have to watch her work so hard to learn to do basic things that prior to the accident were natural and automatic; I'm sure you are aware of how precious that was---this is precious too, albeit unfair. We are here, you are doing amazingly well and we'll continue to hold and uplift you and your family in prayer and support.

    Hugs...big big, supportive understanding, hugs

  6. Sometimes we need to ignore that inner voice that is trying to protect us, and just have a good cry. When I need to I lose myself in music and cry it out. It is cathartic...almost relaxing in a way. If anyone deserves to let loose and have a good cry, you do.

    It is okay to take some baby steps, too. Take a friend with you when you're ready to go into a craft store or work off some of the frustration and hurt. I would be more than willing to take those steps along with you; to give you a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on.

  7. You are the most amazing and loving mommy ever. Keep your chin up and know you are going to get there with each baby step with that special little angel

  8. Jen - Cry Away .....

    Crying can bring release...
    Crying can bring healing...
    Crying can bring clarity...
    Crying can bring refreshment...

    Cry away...


  9. there's nothing wrong with feeling your feelings. don't stuff it. let yourself grieve and hope and pray and feel her love. Praying.