Monday, August 3, 2009


I have always found the carwash to be a complete source of comfort and tranquility. I turn the music up extremely loud and thoroughly enjoy the next 4 minutes and 22 seconds.

When Aviana first arrived, she was terrified of the carwash. She would cry and I would tell her, “Honey, it’s not scary, look at all of the pretty colors, look at the beautiful flying water.”

After about two months she loved it. Before she could talk a smile would wash over her face and I would watch as her body would relax as we went through. Once able to talk, we would leave the gym and she would excitedly scream out “Mommy, go carwash.” She yelled this just about every day. I was so happy that she enjoyed this activity as much as I did.

The second the water would start to drip on the car, she would say, with a huge grin on her face, “Mommy, r-a-i-n-i-n-g!”

I finally ventured out to the carwash two days ago, I turned the music up, but this time was different. My face was as wet with tears as the windshield was with soapy water. My head was also spinning and swirling just like the brushes which clean the car exterior. No longer was the carwash a source of peace and serenity, but now was cause for sadness and solitude.


  1. OH, I can imagine how that would have felt; your ritual with Aviana, memory flooding of how you taught her to find in the car wash what you found--how she realized that and began to look forward to it, just like you. I wish for more of those times for you both----the rain, the colors, the sound the soothing envelopment of the water. Hugs, prayers and support.

  2. OH how very hard that must have been. ((((HUGS)))) !

  3. I am so sorry , you will soon be able to take her to the carwash. Hugs to you all

  4. Oh Jennifer
    I feel so badly for you. It is still a happy memory but your heart is aching for your little girl. You can't fix it the way you want and I know you miss your conversations with Avi. Please know time will heal you and Avi and that memory will be a cherished one. People take so many things for granted. You are not that way. You have already experienced the wanting, the longing and the patience for time when you adopted Aviana. What lesson is to be learned I have no idea. Maybe this is for others to learn or to know. I do know that you are so special, so kind and loving and Avi was meant to have you as a mother. Aviana is also the sweetest most precious little girl and you are both loved so much. I just wish I could take some pain away and things could be just a little easier. They will be soon. Lots of love and hugs.


  5. Reading this just made my heart ache for you and your dear family. You will be together experiencing these little things again and then you will cry with pure joy :) Keep your faith. We're all here praying for little Avi daily that she will continue to get stronger and stronger! -Renee

  6. Oh Jennifer, my heart aches more for you and your family that I can ever exress. Please know we are saying many prayers a day for her completely recovery. Hugs, Rhonda