Sunday, April 1, 2012


The few times I've had to sit down and write, I've found a blank screen staring back at me. I've found it extremely difficult to string words together in any sort of sensical way. Rarely am I at a loss for words, but this week, and in this situation, I've found myself to be. See, found, found, found and I can't find another word for found. Oh well...

Aviana is progressing nicely and if all goes according to plan, she should be coming home on Tuesday. I guess that's all I want to say about all of this. I suppose the reason texts and emails, and this screen goes unanswered is because I don't yet feel like revisiting all we've been through this past week. I don't yet want to rehash all the details. You know me though, you know I will. I don't know how best to answer the question of how I/we are doing. It varies from the moment. I think we're doing well now. I'm trying my best to refer everyone over to the blog again, like in the beginning, as at this point and time I don't have the brain power, or energy to respond to individual calls, texts, or emails. But guess what...then I don't update the blog. What gives?

It's extremely difficult, more than I could ever have imagined, to be back at Kaiser. It's, once again, hard to see Aviana's still small body in that too big of a hospital bed. I also greatly underestimated the power of the sea. I didn't quite realize how many bad/sad memories were hiding, looming behind. Who would've thought coral, and all those various smiling sea creatures could conceal such a thing so perfectly? Not me.

Now it could be a variety of things ~ the new headache medication I'm on (Topamax, aka Stupamax or Dopamax), or the traumatizing memories, but sometimes I think those little brats are taunting me, laughing at me! Ok, I'm just kidding, but's bad being back there. See, this is what happens to a perfectly quasi normal person when subjected to a hospital for hours on end. If you've been around long enough, you might remember the sorts of things that occur in my brain. Just think, I have a whole new list this time around, and I've spent a fraction of the time! Ugh!!

All I do know for sure is ~ we have felt the warmth of all of you, and for that I am thankful, grateful. I was unaware of how much I needed it, but I do. I'm slightly all over the board right now, but what I do know for sure, is I'm in need of love, kindness and support. You have provided that to us. You have helped to carry us through these past days. 

Thank you.

Aviana and I wish we were home, and in our aprons, making pie...

This was the first time I got to hold my baby. She was attached to so many machines and had so many wires coming and going.  This felt like the very first time I got to hold her when she was first in the hospital. 


  1. So glad to see your post! I am happy to hear that she is progressing. I am sure that it has been a horrible experience for you all. Before long, you WILL be home making pie together. Sending more love!

  2. Sending prayers, good vibes... to you all! I know we have never met, but my heart aches for you all. Sometimes life just is so not fair!! I hope that you get to go home soon!

  3. Hugs to you all. I'm looking forward to your next pie post.
    I'm just loving the mother-daughter pictures.

  4. I'm so glad to hear Aviana is healing nicely and is almost ready to go home! I'm sure being home, around everyone she loves, will speed up her recovery even more. I'll keep praying for your family!

    Carol in Philadelphia

  5. Praying for your sweet family...

  6. I am so glad Aviana will be coming home in a couple of days. Thinking good thoughts for you and your family. I cannot wait to see more pictures of those pies. Take care of yourself and try to rest up a bit before Aviana comes home.


  7. I'm glad to hear that she's doing better and should be home soon. After dealing with a week of NICU life, I can't imagine all that you've been through. It really puts a new spin on things. When you're ready to hash through it all, you always have a shoulder here to cry on. Hug that sweet girl for me.

    Lots of love - Jillian

  8. Jen, thank you SO VERY MUCH for finding the time and strength to update us. We appreciate every word so much, and wish we were there with you. Avi seems so strong, and we are so happy that she told those docs that they needed to pay attention and get their facts straight!
    LOVE YOU!! You will be making pies before you know it!

  9. These are the corniest jokes ever, but if you're in need of a laugh and a bit tired (which I'm guessing you are) maybe they will give you a little chuckle.
    Pie Jokes
    Q: What's the best thing to put into a pie? A: Your teeth!
    Q: Why did the pie go to a dentist? A: Because he needed a filling!
    Q: What's the difference between a worm and an apple? A: Have you ever tried worm pie?
    Q: What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie? A: Puff pastry
    Q: What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? A: "You've got some crust."
    Q: Where does Dorothy from OZ weigh a pie? A: Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh-a-pie!
    Q: What is a ghost's favourite dessert? A: Boo-Berry pie with I-scream !
    Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common? A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
    Love you all lots and lots...xoxoxo
    Fi's mama

  10. Oh Jen, I'm so glad you posted because I've been worried. I'm happy to hear that you all will be going home soon.

  11. Glad you were able to update. Hopefully you all will be able to go home tomorrow as planned.

  12. Glad you posted girl. It is terrible to have to revisit. Since Jim's accident, hospital stays bring up a whole crapload of horrible feelings and memories. When Jim had to go in for emergency surgery 5 years after his accident, (for a stupid tumor), it was a sleepless night, several hours long surgery just likethe first night of his accident. And then to see him disoriented just like the accident, watching the monitors, watching him, being in ICU, the fear, the pit in the stomach, the exhaustion... All of it was such a horribly cruel reminder of what we'd been through. I am so glad Avi is doing better, but yes, I know the bevy of wounds revisting a place like that can reopen. Hang in there girl, don't ever feel like you owe us anything when it comes to updating, take care of yourself, take care of your emotions first. Love you,

  13. I almost never say, "I know how you feel", but I think I do. I had a fosterbaby who was in the hospital off and on (mostly on) for 2 months and it's unbearably lonely. Since she wasn't "my" baby, no one came to visit. I suspect you, like me, are alone with your thoughts, your To Do list, your fears and dreams, and your crappy cup of coffee....well, maybe you have Starbucks though.

    Looking forward to tomorrow when you'll all be home and baking pie. I bet Rainey will be glad, too!

    Thanks for knowing that we're out here hoping, praying, and wondering.


  14. I was just talking to my mom about you and your pies! I'm so sorry that you guys have to go through this. I hope you'll be home with Avianna heating the shit out of some pie crust. And don't feel guilty for a second for watching our trashy TV programs. You deserve to get lost in another reality for a little bit. Sending love and peace to you, sister.

  15. Sending loving, healing thoughts and prayers to you, Avi and Dave!


  16. Praying for your sweet family. Sending loving and healing thoughts to you all.

  17. Thinking of you & your girl

  18. And now it's Tuesday! Coming home day! YAY!

  19. My kindest thoughts and prayers are with you.

  20. It has been murky around here too, but different murky. Either way, I am still sending love, hope, prayers and good energy!!!

    btw, anyone who is anyone, won't expect you to be completely attentive right now. Give yourself a big, long break.


  21. Hospitals are horrid, especially PICU. I swear time is altered in a hospital. Hang in there and I hope you guys are baking at home again soon.