Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Highly Emotional Girl

With this whole new life we live, I am pretty even keel. I know exactly what causes the downward spiral though. If you are a chick, or know a chick, or know a chick that knows a chick, you probably do too. I usually like to leave it as a thing that goes without say, but I now kind of feel like explaining myself.

I was never really affected by PMS until I experienced infertility. It pretty much subsided again when we were going through the adoption process. After we brought Aviana home from Guatemala though, it was back with a vengeance.  I absolutely despised when it was happening. I was trying so hard to bond with her and it seemed I would take many steps forward, and then feel I was back in the negative numbers during that week. I was quick tempered with her, and was fully aware she didn't deserve it.  It always felt like some freakish monster had come in and taken over my mind, body and spirit.

Since the accident, that one week a month has transformed yet again. I am pretty much good to go all month, and then that week hits, and it is like complete doom and gloom. It feels much like the walls are closing in all around me, and I am left to suffocate. I have a really hard time looking at Aviana in the state she is in, and things that I can normally brush off, or put a positive spin on, cannot be dealt with in that same manner.

Claustrophobia sets in, and tightly wraps the hopeless and helpless blanket around me. As hard as I try, I am always left feeling defeated and deflated. It seems, negative triggers are every which way I turn. I cannot escape them. The sadness I feel is almost unbearable. I not only feel sad, but experience downright anger. I want to beat the hell out of the brain injury beast that has established residency within my girl's beautiful little head. Hate is a strong word. I HATE him, and have no tolerance during that week.

I know you feel it as you read. I take a turn, and keep on going.  This happens every month, and some are much more severe than others. Combining Aviana's birthday, PMS, and losing all of our nursing into one week was truly a detrimental course of events.

The funny thing is, the haze finally lifts and I look back and that person of the previous week is almost unrecognizable to me. I reflect back on my posts and have a hard time seeing the depths of despair I was so desperately trying to make my way through.

Those emotions are all very real though, and I feel I have to walk through them in order to be better on the other side. When I go down...I let myself, to some degree because I know I need to. I need to get it all out. I need to avoid letting it bottle up inside. I do wish the events could be kinder and avoid stacking themselves on top of each other all at once. That's life, I suppose.

Right about now I bet you are wishing you could be around that week. I tell you, good times are had by all ;o)

I finally felt compelled to explain myself, and actually reveal that Highly Emotional Girl who has always felt the need to make her appearances ;o) If you've been around for a while, you might remember this, or this.

Aviana hardly used to ever get upset but when she did, and after she calmed down, we would always ask her, "Are you all better now?" She would look at us with the last remaining tears in her beautiful little eyes and sweetly say, "All better now, Mommy."

I am all better now.


  1. You are too funny! No need to explain, but I am glad that you did. Does Dave tend to have to work over a lot that week? :)

  2. I SOOOOO no what you are talking about, I don't even know the person I become. I have noticed lately my hormones are much more balanced and life is good, we are lucky in not dealing with all you have been thru. Infertility of course heightened it because it was like a kick in the gut just to remind you of what a failure your body is etc etc etc. Short temper, no patients, nothing rolls off you. After this getting so bad I did finally understand how post partum depression is real, hormones completely control you its really really scary and so real. Gald your bad week is done, well for another few weeks anyway.
    I also must consume all food in the house, great.

  3. i'm so glad you are 'all better now' (at least for the next few weeks....as cycles go!)

    but on the flip side of the coin....i admire you letting it all out and allowing the doom n gloom girl her 15 seconds of fame every month.....i'm one of those pile it on the insiders that never seems to learn how to let it out.

    i guaranty your are a much better balanced person in the long run for it! 80) and i don't mind the visits with miss doom n gloom.....especially knowing she won't be here for long!!!

    have you started your countdown yet? ........days away like a crow flies!!!

    <3 ~j

  4. You make me feel so normal.

    I used to think PMS was sort of made up to some extent but now that's it's hit me way worse in my thirties, I know better.