Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Without You

The excruciating pain comes in waves. I must admit, I'm in deep today.

This was Gary's very first time meeting, and holding Aviana.

This was the very last picture taken before the accident. It was taken the morning of...

I have officially made myself sick. Congratulations to me.

They're gone.

The word 'heartbroken' barely scratches the surface today.

I think I'll go throw my arms around what I do have!


  1. Sweet friend....I'm sorry it's one of those days...let yourself feel it and yes, then go wrap your arms around what you have...HUGS!

  2. Oh Jen,
    I am so sorry. Seeing the pictures makes me so heartbroken. You have lost so much of your heart. I know there are no words to help because it is so, so deep. It is sickening that life has changed so tragically.
    What I can say is that your baby didn't go anywhere. She is right there, flesh and blood and making it through everyday right along side you. You both CAN do this together. Both of your journey's have taken a sharp turn but you both turned the same direction at the same time. I know that the journey you are on now is so, so hard. Keep moving forward and keep holding on to what you have. It will get better, for all of you. <>

  3. My arms are stretching far north to give you a huge hug. Looking back at photos can be so emotional. I'm so sorry that you're down today. For me those are the hardest times to be productive and do what needs to be done. Go hug what you have, cry as hard as you want mourning the loss, and then keep kicking a** like only her mama can. Avi is there underneath! And if anyone can do it, it's you!
    Fi's mama

  4. so many thoughts are rushing through my mind.......and i lack the words to express them

    this beautiful little girl is STRONG DETERMINED and FULL OF DIGNITY. she has GUTS! and she has LOVE.

    (((((HUGS)))))............sending lots of PVs TO YOU.
    <3 ~j

  5. No words for you. I don't know how you do it. I can't imagine. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

  6. Love and hugs to you Jen. I'm so so sorry.

  7. Its just all so so sorry.

  8. Those pictures make me cry, too. I wish I could reach out and hug you.

  9. I cannot even imagine how hard it was to post all these pictures that bring back memories that make you miss you furbabies and life with Aviana before the accident. The pictures are priceless and beautiful. Aviana is such a beautiful little girl. Your dog Kama was an absolutely angel with her. Your kitty so pretty. My favorite picture is of Kama and Aviana looking through the door. So cute. I am praying for you and for in time the pain to ease. You have been through so much. I know you do not know me, but I am a mother of 3 children from Guatemala. I have 4 1/2 yr. old son Nicky, a 5 1/2 yr. old daughter Ella and a 6 1/2 yr. old daughter Joseline. Seeing all you do to keep your daughter making progress shows how much you love her and will never give up on her. As her Mother, you are doing an amazing job & I thank you for sharing your story. Sending many ((HUGS)) because I can tell you really need them.

    Martina Turner

  10. Those pictures are precious. Aviana is precious! I want to say something upbeat and positive, but it truly breaks my heart. She is so, so, so lucky to have you two for her parents. And, you are lucky to have her.

  11. Those are precious pictures. Love them all. Avi sure was a darling baby! Such chubby cheeks!

    Just the other day I had an old video from 1997 converted to DVD. We haven't seen this video since the year it was taken. The tape was damaged in our car accident, actually, so I had to have it repaired. I had it repaired about 6 months after the accident (1997) and I tried to watch a bit of it as soon as it was fixed...but I had to shut it off. It just hurt too much, seeing Audriana so animated and running around and talking in her quick little 4-year-old high pitched chatter of a voice. I remember I just sat there, staring at the tv while the video played, and it just hurt SO MUCH that the little girl on that DVD is not the same anymore. I missed her so much! I wanted her voice back, her quick movements back - I wanted my original daughter back. The pain stabbed me straight through the heart so hard that I felt like I couldn't breathe. So I put the tape away and it's been in my closet all these years. Just last week I had "the tape" put on DVD and as a family we all sat down to watch it. Audriana is now 18 years old. Many years had passed since the accident. I was wondering how watching "the tape" was going to make me feel. I was also wondering how it would make Audriana feel. Our day in the snow was recorded on that tape, and that was the last few minutes of her being "normal" - just minutes before the accident. We all watched the two hour video, and my younger kids said things like, "Is that Audriana? Look! Her arm works! Look! She's walked normal back then!" They, being born after her accident, have only known her the way she is now. My other two kids are closer to age to Audriana, and they knew her "before" but since they were only 5 and 2 years old a the time, they don't have much memory of her back then, either. Audriana seemed to enjoy most of the video and got a kick out of seeing us all and how we all looked back then. She was curious about the day in the snow (she doesn't have memory of that day at all) and I could tell by her face expressions and by the way she got quiet at times that she was a bit fascinated at seeing her body work so normally back then. (I often wonder what it feels like to have a body that doesn't do what you tell it to do? How frustrating that must be!) As for me, it was much easier watching "the tape" now than it was right after the accident. I guess I've healed? I don't know. Accepted it? Not too sure if that's the word,either. I don't know the right words to describe it, but I can tell you how I felt while watching it this time around: it truly felt as if the girl I was seeing in the video was an entirely different daughter of mine - as if that daughter had passed away. I know that sounds so strange, and my logic tells me that THAT daughter IS the same one that I live with now. Logic is logic, but I can't fight my emotions, or even argue with them. My emotions tell me that the girl in the video is gone. And during all these years that have passed, somehow I've come to arrive at a place where I'm okay with that. I'll always regret that it happened, and I'll always be sad about it...but it doesn't devastate me any more. It doesn't stab me in the heart so that I feel like I can't breathe anymore. They say time heals all wounds....and I'm not too sure if that's very accurate, the word "heals"... I don't know about that. But I'll tell you this: Time dulls the pain after a while. I can vouch for that.

  12. Oh, this must have been a very difficult post to write. I don't look back at our old pictures much, I just can't. Hugs.