Friday, July 30, 2010

Passed the place,

Saw the spot,

Thought of you...

I have come down to the last two items on my "List of Things I Cannot and Will Not Do."  Basically, I was down to the very last one though. I have no need to ever read the police report, so that left driving by the crash site. I felt I could no longer avoid entire parts of town.

I honestly did not think I would ever do it.  One time, Dave accidentally started to veer in that particular direction.  I freaked out. My heart leapt into supersonic speeds. I honestly thought it was going to jump right out and run far, far away. If I had a bag to stick over my face, I would have.   Luckily, he quickly avoided that disaster.

I had talked to Sgt. Merenda about the fact that I would never go there, and he said something along the lines of, "just go, it won't be as bad as you thought." At that time, I didn't really believe that was possible.  I seriously thought it would be worse than I expected.

After all, this was the place where my baby lost everything in one split second.  How could that possibly be, not so bad?

I never had any plans to go, but the day after the one year anniversary of her accident, I was driving to my counseling appointment and was pretty early. I was right by the site. The car began to drive itself. I thought, "OK, if you say we go." My second thought was, "I suppose this is as good a time as any, if this proves to be a total disaster, I am on my way to my counselor!"

All the anticipation, all the sleepless nights, and I accidentally pretty much passed right by it!! What the heck. I missed it?? How was that possible?? Are you kidding me, I have to loop around again!!?

I did pass by again. With my own two eyes, I watched the entire final moments unravel.  I was shaken, but not anywhere near to the core.

Sgt. Merenda was right, I made a big episode out of not much.

It really wasn't so bad.

To be continued....


  1. i'm glad you were finally able to go there.....he's right not facing THAT fear only makes it bigger in your mind's eye

    i KNOW from my own past and an accident i witnessed involving two close friends in the car in front of me & a MUNI it turned out it was a very bad accident (not nearly as horrific as aviana's...but) AND it happened on the freeway exit that went to my house.......for MONTHS i went 3, 5, 20 miles out of the way to be able to get home without ever having to pass this particular area of the freeway or ever having to use that off-ramp again. everytime i closed my eyes i watched it happen over and over and over again......

    but one day my car & i had a disagreement. it was tired & wanted to go home it refused to take the now familiar long detours that i had mapped out......and as we got closer & closer to the off-ramp i broke into cold sweats and fear gripped my insides.........

    then suddenly we were there. the sun was shining and the sky was blue. no evil monster was lurking waiting to show me the incident over again.

    the light turned green and we drove up and off the exit and soon were home again.

    i really think my car SMILED at me as i left it parked in the driveway!!!

    btw i LOVE the version of MOCKINGBIRD that TK recorded with his daughter it's on his GREATEST HITS 2 cd.
    ME TOO

  2. Jen,
    That is a great milestone for you! Avi is hitting milestones and so are you! Great job, I am so glad that you went there.

  3. So proud of you for making these 'firsts'. It can be so difficult to have that 'first trip back to the gym' or 'first trip down THAT street'. Often we need to do them in order to gain some control, some closure. Good for you, girl!

  4. thats so awesome and just one more thing that YOU CAN DO! very proud of you.