Thursday, July 22, 2010

Glutton for Punishment

I'm in a mood. This particular mood ranges from somber to downright mad. The punishment began with the gym and carried on to Aviana's neurology appointment.

The way I handled are time in the hospital and all appointments thereafter....

- first turn most of your brain off.

- then go to a happy place, like a funny movie, a great vacation, etc.

- don't pay close attention to the MRI.

- gaze lovingly down at Avi and repeat, "I don't care what the stinkin' scans say, I will just watch you."

- be strong, almost robotic. - etc, etc, etc.

- and above all ~ ~ walk in telling yourself over and over ~ ~ ~

  Function Determines Structure 

 Function Determines Structure 

 Function Determines Structure

Today's appointment was a different animal.

I love her neurologist. He is wonderful and so eloquent with every word that comes out of his mouth. I felt mad and angry though. I just couldn't help but fire question after question. Questions I knew damn well would do me NO GOOD. Questions that don't really matter. Questions that result in answers that make me want to throw up.

Why did I feel the urge to do this to myself today?

Why did I think it was a good idea to pull words out of my kind doctor's face like...




Most people wouldn't have survived.

And so on...

Once again, why did I do this to myself today?

I don't know....

All I do know is that "Little Miss the Glass is Half Full" has left the building.

I hope she returns sooner rather than later.


  1. MOST people wouldn't have survived - but SHE did. The big guy upstairs wanted her here for a reason. We may not understand why, we may not know what her life has in store, but she's here. She's a miracle that so many of us thank God for in our daily prayers.

    I stumbled upon another blog that I think parallels your story in many ways, though the stories are actually very different. In feeling so hopeless, we grow as individuals.

    “Suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope (Romans 5:3-4)

  2. Jen,

    I read through your post and there were no comments at the time. I turned to this section and while doing so mentally composed my comment. When I got here though, Jillian had just posted. Her comment began with the exact words mine was to have started with....yet I had not even read hers yet. "Most people would not have survived, but she did." Who knows what else most people won't do that she will?

  3. All I know is that Little Miss "the glass is half full" cannot exist without little Miss "the glass is half empty". Where there is one, there is the other. It just depends on which one has the floor. Don't beat yourself up over allowing negativity to be there- it is that negativity which will give way to the precious light of a positive mind. Your beautiful girl Aviana did survive and she has a wonderful mother and father who give beyond themselves for her. So many people follow your journey because they care about you and your family! I am sending you virtual ((((hugs))))) here that you find some comfort today from these thoughts!!!!!!

  4. it's not important what everyone else did or didn't do......this precious little girl is the one and ony concern.

    and she is HERE
    she is ALIVE
    she is THRIVING
    she is GROWING
    she is BECOMING
    she is BEAUTIFUL
    she is LOVE

  5. Sweetheart -

    Doctors, though they are such a benefit to us, DO NOT HAVE THE FINAL SAY.

    I believe there's a dimension at play in our beautiful world that we are not visually privy to, cannot touch, etc.....ya know....the whole "God" thang.

    There are so many unexplanable phenoms in our world...Avianna kicking all those scary words to the curb can be one of them...

    Stroked (but functioning....amazing)
    Extensive (healing)
    Extreme (happiness)

    luv ya Jen...cyberlly and all...not in a weird stalking kinda way :) laugh