Sunday, August 1, 2010


I want to crawl under a rock and not deal with anything, anyone.

I want to blink my eyes and be anywhere but here.

I want to run to the top of a mountain and scream bloody murder.

I want to rip my hair out.

I want to cry until I can't cry anymore.

I want to wring necks.

I want to spontaneously combust.

I want to throw things....oh wait, I did that.

I want to hug on to Kama tight and never let go.

I want to drive away and never come back.


I want my family back, as we were....happy, healthy, laughing, carefree and full of life.

I want my Mom and Gary to have their healthy granddaughter back.

I want them to be able to enjoy every bit of her.

I want her to make them laugh and light up their lives,

the way she used to.

I want their guilt to vanish into thin air.

I want my healthy girl back.

I want her to run,

to jump,

to swim,

to draw,

to eat,

to her heart's content.

I want for her to not know what the hell therapy is.

I want to hear her sweet little laugh,

see her breathtaking smile.

I want to know what she would be saying,



I want her to have all of her friends back,

I don't want them to be scared of her,

not really notice her.

I want them to be able to play with her,

like they used to.

I can't find one ounce of optimism today,

and I don't care.

I don't care.

I don't care.

I don't care.

I don't care.

I don't care.

I don't care.

I don't care.

I don't care.

I don't care.

I don't care.

I don't care.

I don't care.



I will care again.


  1. Hey Jen! I'm praying for you. I've been following your blog for months and can't imagine the hardship that God is allowing you to endure. Please remember that God is in control and He is, somehow, using you for HIS glory! Maybe it's this blog, maybe it's something else, but GOD IS SOVEREIGN and when you are feeling bleak I pray that you will remember how much God loves you, and your family, and how He had your lives planned before you were born. I am praying!

  2. i'm with ya jen.....always


  3. Love you jen
    love you jen
    love you jen!

  4. I want all that too. For you.
    I want, I want, I want! Sounds like you are going through big, horrible, sad "milestones", and I am proud of what you have done!

    Miss you!

  5. I want so much for you to have that all as well. Tears of sadness for you. I'm so glad you feel free to rant and share your deepest and most true emotions. I hope it helps you to find peace. Prayers for you for strength, hope and peace.

  6. thinking of you because that all I can do.

  7. I'm so sorry, Jen. If I could somehow make things better, I'd go to the end of the world to do it.

  8. I wish there were really magic wands, and fairy dust, and miracles because I'd give them all to you.

  9. Hugs to you Jen. That's all, just lots and lots of HUGS.

  10. prayers and support, and wishing I knew what would make your heart feel lighter. Thank you for sharing; you are really an incredible mom Jen.

  11. I am in love with your honesty. Infatuated by it really.

    Girl - there are Moms of 'healthy' children who feel that SAME way but fake it till they make it.

    Then there is YOU.

    You, if you didn't already know it, are on a public pedestal for all to watch.

    Moms of kids with special needs are forced up on this very tall, thin, wobbly pedestal by no effort of their own. Society throws them up there to see how they fall, if they fall, or if they are some sort of magical momma who handles nightmarish daily routines with ease (which is what they ExPECT but when you fall of the pedestal they all whisper..."i knew she'd fall")

    But YOU my dear pedestal-rebel aren't even giving "them" a chance to force your up on the cussin' pedestal b/c of your honesty, your transparency.

    They already know IT IS HARD. DAMN HARD.

    So, where else can you fall, really? To extra damn hard?

    You do NOT have an easy path right now. You will not for awhile.

    It sux.

    But purging it and letting others sooth you with our words is a balm to your frustrated mind..

    Damn intersection.

    (( I NEVER cuss!! But what happened to Aviana just makes me so...damn...mad that I can't help it!!!)

  12. Jen:

    You don't know me, but I am Bunny's (Mom to you) cousin Barbara. I have been following Avi's progress from the beginning and have been very impressed with the strength and love you have shown. I know how you feel. Our darling daughter Vicki passed away from an unexpected heart attack on July 9th, a week after my birthday. Your Mom, U. Roger, Vicki's Godparents U. Jeff and A. Lou attended Vick's memorial mass in San Carlos. Bernie and I are still in shock and walking around like zombies (crying, forgetful, and paralyzed with indecision). As if things couldn't get worse--this morning at 5:15, our ferret Slinky died (one month after my birthday), bringing our sorrow back to square one since it brought back all the awful memories of our baby girl's passing and we had to bury him in our backyard. However, Jen, we all have to keep on living and the ache in our hearts must eventually lessen with time. Our prayers are with you and your family. Hang in there. Love, Barbara

  13. I have been following your blog since Avi's accident. Thank you for your honesty and transparency. You are such an amazingly strong woman and an inspiration to others. So sorry you are going through all of this. Avi is such a lucky little girl to have YOU in her life.

  14. Amen, Andrea! Your honesty and transparency IS refreshing. Don't ever feel bad about complaining - if anyone deserves to kvetch once in awhile, you do! Let us share in that burden where we can.

    Love you!

  15. :(. I'm so sorry... huge prayers for you, right now especially! :(. :(

  16. Huge hugs sent your way for being so openly honest about your feelings and what you are dealing with on a daily basis. Most of us can't even imagine a tiny little bit of what you are going through. Hoping and praying for you and your family to find strength to make it through every day. I love your dedication to your daughter, she is very loved:)