Yesterday's Rain

Dave and I love all of the memories we had with Aviana prior to the accident. We continually bring her up in conversation. Aviana had began using her crib as a pole vault and had just recently graduated to her toddler bed. She spent many a time getting out of her bed and into her drawers during nap time. I finally told her, "If I catch you climbing out, you will get a time out." Every time she would go to bed, she would look at me with a smirk on her face, roll her hand across the bottom wood rail of her bed and say, "Climb out, get time out??" She would then go over to the wall and point to the scene of the crime. She and I would then sit and giggle together for a little while. Dave will point to the wall like Aviana used to and say, "Climb out, get time out?" We then start laughing and smiling at the memory.

Once the laughter subsides and the smile disappears, we both silently ache inside. We have continually done this throughout the months. It is undoubtedly a double edged sword. We want to keep the memory of who she was alive, but then feel terrible with the grave reality of our situation.

The other night, I was reduced to a pile of tears because we flashed back to something I had completely forgotten about. I used to tell her to "be careful" all of the time. Aviana was eating a banana at the kitchen table and I was taking something out of the oven. As I reached in, I heard a very concerned little voice, "Mooommmmmy, beeee careful!" I miss that little girl so much. It tears me to pieces to think about her, the way she was, the way she will never be again!

I think the time has finally come to stop talking about the girl we lost. To stop imitating and referring to her. At least for now. It's just too painful....for both of us! This is already easier said than done. The truth of the matter is, if I am not saying it out loud, I am silently screaming it from within. I wish I had an on/off switch. I wish it could be that simple.

These days I can't help but relate to some of my very favorite lyrics:

Yesterday's rain

Well, it's better to have loved and lost than not at all

But I still love to feel it fall

Yesterday's rain

It's just yesterday's rain

Well, I've been told I shouldn't stand in your rain

That's the only place I see your face

I can see you face

It took sometime to heal but I've moved on

I still go back in time and stand in your storms

Familiar warmth

Always feels like home

In yesterday's rain

Yesterday's rain

Well, it's better to have loved and lost than not at all

But I still love to feel it fall

Yesterday's rain

It's just yesterday's rain

Let your memory soak me to the bone

Reminds me that I'm not alone in yesterday's rain

It's just yesterday's rain

That's just yesterday's rain

Think I'll walk in yesterday's rain

~ Gary Allan