Tuesday, December 29, 2009

In a Funk

Ever since Zoe was carried through the door and out of my life, I have been in a funk. It is the strangest feeling. I was stumbling along just fine, trying to be as positive and optimistic as possible and now I feel I cannot escape this funk. This haze. This blanket of dismal wrapped so tightly around me.

As I walk through my house, all of the permanent structures of 13 years are gone. Gone. The food bowls on the dryer...gone. The litter box in the laundry room...gone. * Did you ever imagine you could possibly be saddened by the disappearance of a liter box? Me neither. * Her scratch post in the family room....gone. Her bed in our bedroom...gone. Her treats in the cabinet next to Kama's.....gone. Why is it all gone? The first day without her, I could not bear to see her belongings so Dave removed every single item from our house at my sobbing request. Now, I would pay to just lay eyes on one of them.

There are many times when I think she is still here. By shear habit. A lapse in reality. I will still to this day leave a drip in the sink for her. When I open a can in the kitchen, I look for her to come running around the corner, meowing. When company was here, I left our door opened a crack for her to make her way in and out throughout the night. In every scenario, I realize much later, I can turn the water off, she will not be rounding the corner and I can shut my door.

It's as though Zoe's passing is the icing on the cake. The straw that broke the camel's back. The cookie that has finally crumbled (do I have one more in me? No, I am not good at phrases.) I feel like I have Zoe constantly on the brain and then I look at Aviana and my normal upbeat, optimism has been replaced by sadness. It feels like someone secretly switched out my eyeballs in the middle of the night. Instead of looking at her and thinking how far she has come, I now look at her and see how "the same" she really is.

I spend a lot of time crying over her. Telling her how incredibly sorry I am that this happened to her. She must be wondering what happened to her other Mommy and who is this blubbering fool. She is not the only one. I lay on Kama and soak her with my tears. I tell her, "Please don't ever leave me!" We have always had these conversations on a regular basis, (I know, I am a crazy cuckoo bird, so what) but now I have more of a begging tone in my voice.

It makes me wonder what's next or who for that matter? Isn't that depressing? I don't like living this way. I don't want to live in fear. I don't want to wonder what's around every corner. How can I release myself from the grips of my current state? How can I step out of this funk ? I suppose I will just have to get through it. I keep telling myself that tomorrow will be a better day. So far, that has not come true though.


  1. Sorry your feeling so sad. It will pass and get easier. When I put my dog down in April I would just drive down the street and start to cry. It lasted about two weeks and then I started to feel better. Give yourself time to mourn. I too came home and cried to my other dog and said you better go in your sleep because I will never do this again!! It will get better. Take care. Mindy

  2. Oh...I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now. I wish I could take away your pain. My mom, who was my best friend, died 4 years ago and I have been missing her more than ever lately. I just wish she could have met my girls...she would have loved them so much!!! Stay strong...it does get easier...but it is ok to grieve...heck...I've been doing it for four years. So if you're crazy...sign me up...I must be, too. Can't wait for the day when you feel happy again!!!

  3. I have followed your journey through prayer...and will continue to do so for your hurting heart. And you know what....you are NOT crazy...you are real with heart and emotions that hurt...and that's okay to say so and just "be"


  4. You are too hard on yourself. Give yourself time, she just passed away a few days ago. Celebrate the memories you have with her instead of feeling bad for yourself or her. You know she would rather see you happy then sad.

  5. I'm not a proper Christian or a proper religious person. But I know we are all held safe in God's love - and this saying of Dame Julian of Norwich has helped me in difficult times. I hope it might help you too, dear Jen.

    "Our dearworthy Lord did not say, 'You will never face trouble, you will never feel sorrow, you will never be afflicted.'

    He said, 'You will not be overcome.'"

  6. Oh honey I'm so sad for you. Even without the loss of a pet I have days of hopelessness and despair. If you need to talk, I'm just a phone call away. xo

  7. Go get another kitty from our SPCA on Washington Blvd. It will be soft and make you all happy again. Get one that looks different from your last one. It will bring joy to you, Kama, Dave,and you can take Aviana's hand to pet the softness. Do it tomorrow. Your cousin, Fran

  8. On top of Zoey being the last straw I also think that the weather on top of the holidays is not helping matters. I know it doesn't matter right now, but the sun will shine again. You have more than anyone deserves on their plate. Keep plugging away and know you have so many near and far that love you and Dave and Aviana. I am hoping that soon you will be sitting and listening to some healing music in a city where the sun is actually (probably) shining.

  9. Hi,
    Still reading, still here :-) YOu have every reason in the world to have a sad day or a mopey day or a shitty crappy no good day! You also have a lot of reasons to feel better tomorrow. Your family, your beautiful little girl, your Kama, your friends and a bizillion cyber friends that are caring for you and praying for your little girl and family every day. We are still here for you and it's ok to be sad. You have been through a lot more than most could imagine in such a short time. I have never met you but know you are a FANTASTIC Mom, wife and friend from your posts and everyone can see what a big heart you have. Keep keeping on and sorry to hear about your kitty Zoe. I liked the part you said about who would ever imagine being sad about no more litter box. I have thought so many times how glad I would be to not have one of those anymore!

  10. Oh, Jen, I can't say anything the others haven't except my heart breaks for you. We all have bad things happen and some times it seems they all pile up. But the miracle is that we somehow come through it and hopefully, are the better for it. Avi has a mom who loves her dearly and your kitty is safe in kitty heaven. You still have Dave and Kama and it will all work out...really! I don't know if getting a new kitty is the right thing right now only cause you have so much on your plate already... wait a bit. As Kurt Vonegutt used to say...life goes on...make the most of it!

  11. Okay, I am so sad for you right now. Once again, our experiences are different, but I do remember making it through near death experiences with Casey, to finally bring him home...and then be so overwhelmed, upset, exhausted that I was a weeping mess, even though I was so happy to have my baby. A professional talked at our Heart Support Group and said that many parents of kids who have/had life-threatening illnesses have symptoms that are very similar to PTSD. Makes sense to me! It helps some of us feel that even though we don't feel okay....it is normal and "okay".

  12. It gets a little easier to cope with as the days go by. One day you'll wake up and get through the day, and then realize that you didn't feel so sad. After my mother in law's cat passed away, all traces of her were gone and out of the house. Except this old ceramic dish that read 'Damned Cat'. For some reason she stashed it under the sink and has kept it all these years.

    It popped back up when we told her our rabbit kept turning her food dish into a toy by throwing it around. She brought that heavy bowl over for our rabbit. We all had a good chuckle at miss Leah Bun Buns eating from a bowl that says 'Damned Cat'.

    Let yourself grieve her loss. It's been one heck of a tough year, and you'll have sad days. Days you want to scream and yell. Days you just want to lay around, and you know what? That's okay.

  13. I've got a litter box you can have!! I'll be driving through on Friday and can drop it off! ;-)


    2010 will bring you much progress with Avi and less heartache!

    Hope to see you soon!


  14. I've not read your blog lately; although, you have been in my thoughts and prayers. I was so sorry to see today that you have endured another blow. Sometimes, though it may sound crazy, it is OK to feel the loss and lose some control. You'll find it again. From reading your blog since Aviana's accident, I know you are strong enough to come back - even stronger. But it is OK to give into sorrow.

  15. I used to feel as if my life was doomed to be sad all the time from then on out after Audriana's accident. Afterall, how could I ever be the same or happy again? now that my daughter was brain injured and would never be the same? But....TIME. I swear, it's true what they say about time. I won't say it "heals" all the wounds, but it sure numbs it a bit. It numbs it so that joy can come back in and take over. One day you will notice that you are happy again, and that the sadness has twindle so that it's not so overbearing. That has been my experience.

    When I was 7 years old, I got a kitten that I named Kee Wee. He was a good cat and lived a long time. When I finally had to put him down, I was 27 years old and had two children. I still can't believe that cat lived to be 20 years old. Oh, I was so sad when he died! And still, to this day, I miss that cat. And it's now been over 14 years. I miss him but yet I'm not sad anymore. He lived a good life. A good, long life. And he was loved. What more could a cat ask for? I know that he knew he was loved.

  16. I am so very sorry for all of these hard, horrible things happening in your life. I'm sitting here praying that you will just lay it all down at the feet of Jesus. I can't go into every horrible thing that has happened in my life or with my kids, but I just can't leave your blog without saying that Jesus Christ can take all of this tragedy and turn it into glory. You don't know me and so I just want to say that I am not preaching but feel so moved to ask you to please talk to Him like you are talking to your dog. He is a healer and restorer. You can lay your fear down and replace it with hope if you just trust in Him. If you ever want to talk you can find me on fb and I would love to tell you the story of my 3yo adoted (Guate) son who the doctors said would never walk, talk, feed himself or use the restroom on his own, and would more than likely be fed through a tube for the duration of his life. Jesus heals! And I believe He just wants you to bring this all to Him and put your trust in Him so that He can show you that He is still in the miracle making business. I am praying for you now and hope you feel a peace that surpasses all understanding wash over you. He is right there waiting for you..

    In Christ,
    Tonya Brown (Phoenix, AZ)