Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Wind of Change

Something strange has happened. I don't quite understand it completely. I have tried to analyze it, but haven't come up with too much. When the accident first happened and Aviana was in the hospital, I couldn't talk about it. Especially face to face and barely even by phone. Hence, the blog ensued.

As you well know, I had boycotted every single place it seems: Costco, the gym, the scrapbook store, parties, etc. I felt as though I was on the brink at all times. I felt like if someone even began to utter the words, "Where's that cute little girl of yours?" or "Do you two have any children?" The flood gates would burst open. In public. To a somewhat virtual stranger. The last thing I needed was to subject myself to that sort of situation. More importantly, I didn't need to put anyone else through that either. I know you know what I mean....I don't mean my friends and family, but poor innocent people on the streets, at stores and parties. Just too heavy of a topic.

While Aviana was in the hospital, Dave had a few functions that I needed to attend. I had strict rules for myself, I was to adhere to them at all times~

1.) Avoid alcohol like the plague. I could just see myself after one, who knows maybe ten drinks, my head in some strangers lap, spewing my sad, sad, sob story. Them sitting quietly, while their eyes dart to anyone, anyone who could save them from this blubbering mess! Anyone who would kindly peel this limp noodle off of their lap. I can see it now, their perfectly ensembled outfit covered with a stranger girl's tears. Oh the visual makes me laugh out loud.

2.) Always and I mean always.....waterproof mascara.

3.) Shallowly duck in and out of conversations. If they start to veer in the "Do you have children?" direction, excuse yourself immediately as suddenly you have to pee like a race horse!

4.) As you make your way through the crowd, try to have a fairly big smile on your face. Not to attract attention. Not to get people to come up and talk, but to try to mask the odd, weird, short behavior. Have them thinking, that girl was kind of strange, but she did appear to be nice.

5.) While eating, try to sit alone. Sitting and talking with people at a table almost always leads to deeper conversation.

6.) If your eyes begin to fill with tears, pull the "I think I got something in my eye (or eyes)" routine. Never underestimate the power of allergies. They are always another nice alternative. If you go that route, fake a sneeze or two, but never more than that. I'm not good at fake sneezes, so I never went that route.

7.) If I say go, we go!

What an awful dance Dave had to participate in! He was more than willing though, all in the name of my safe keeping. Is a crazy wife a good thing for drumming up business or enjoying the company of people who work closely in your field? The answer is always! The weird thing was that many people had heard what we were going through. Therefore, my odd behavior was understood in some small arenas.

Here's the somewhat perplexing thing. We had an idea of how we were going to feel in public with Aviana once she was released from the hospital. We thought we would proudly push are hurt daughter around stores with her shaved head and outrageously huge scars that stretched front to back across her little head. We thought we would not have a care in the world for what anyone may say or the stares we would get. After all, I have always felt strongly that they are out of curiosity rather than ill will of any sort. We knew how we thought we would feel, but of course, you're never really sure what you will actually feel when the time comes.

I was more than ecstatic to find all of the good, positive things we felt came to fruition. I was like a new Mama. I was proud to push her. I was proud that she made it through six surgeries. I was proud to show her off to the world. A change. Finally, a change for the better. The world was my oyster again. It was a little hard to see people for the first time that actually knew Aviana before the accident, but that wore off fairly fast. Dave and I would go to a party, even to some which housed the same people from just a few short months back and it was different. I was drinking, I was talking, I was actually engaging in conversations again. I didn't worry about a covert exit strategy. There wasn't any, "I pull my left ear, we run." business. I actually patiently waited for the question, "Do you have kids?" If the conversation continued down that road, who was it that was more than happy to blurt out the answer. Yes, that's right, I was the one! Who was this person? After I eloquently divulged the cliff notes version of our sad yet hopeful story I would just stare at Dave's blank face. He had question marks covering his face. He wondered who this "new" yet "old" girl was? What happened to the crazy one? Where did she go?

Yes, of course there have been a few times when my eyes may fill with tears, but they are easier to blink back now and move on. I don't know exactly what happened. All I can come up with is that I am so happy she is alive, home and on the road to recovery. I am also proud beyond measure. I am confident that when I stand in a room full of people, whether it be Costco or a party, Aviana has been through and has survived sometimes more than all in the building put together. For this simple fact, I am proud and most of all, grateful!

Geez, I knew I had been thinking these thoughts since she got home, but didn't have any idea that I had that much to say!!

As always, thank you for listening to me rattle on....and on....and on.

By the way, many, many pictures are on the way! They have been delayed due to us leaving our camera on the shuttle. There have also been a few other picture issues.


  1. Such an encouraging post Jen...thank you!!! Just the parking lot of McDonalds...Tessa was laying on the ground throwing a fit because I threw her water cup away. I was totally embarrassed and knew that everyone was looking at me as a bad mom. I have to remember that what they don't know and will never know is that my daughter is a fighter. They don't know her story and can judge all they want. Your post is a great reminder to me of how proud of her I really am. It reminds me that I am SO happy that she was angry that I threw her water cup away, because I am grateful that she can process enough to know she is mad. She has come so far and for that I need to be thankful and move forward. Praying for you and Avi, daily!!! Merry Christmas and yes...we will talk!!!

  2. bless YOU and AVIANA and DAVE and your family this Christmas.

  3. that is so wonderful that you now recognize the change and that is is a good change. I would be proud of her to she is one amazing little girl!

  4. Hi Jen, I hope you,Dave and Aviana have a great Christmas! I am so happy to see you so happy ! Merry Christmas ! Love and hugs, Kelly , Ralph, and Skylie