Wednesday, September 30, 2009

What I Wouldn't Give

I vividly remember, I woke up in a panic. It was approximately one year after Aviana joined our family. I freaked out, “Dave, it just dawned on me, I would definitely not cut my right arm off for Aviana!” I was devastated at that realization. I frantically asked him, “Would you cut your arm off for Aviana?” His reply was so Dave and lifted my spirits in one split second. He said, “Honey, I don’t know that I would even cut my arm off for you.” I could not stop laughing and have told this story many times.

Although it was a quasi-funny, a semi-funny, the Diet Coke of funny story~ I couldn’t shake the pain of the one true remaining fact. I sought counseling a few months later. One of the first questions she asked me was, “Would you cut your arm off for Aviana?” I immediately, without any hesitation, said no, I wouldn’t and I won't, not my right arm, not my left arm (not in a box, not with a fox.) I wouldn’t take a bullet, and once again, no, I wouldn’t do any of those sorts of things.

Through tears, I continued on with my rant. I explained to the therapist that I have thought extensively about all scenarios and the answer always remains, NO, NO and NO! That being said, my next question to her was, "O.K. now how do I fix myself?"

I now ask myself, what would you give to make Aviana better?

The answer is simple~

My toe.

My foot.

My leg.

Both legs.

My right


Left arm.

My eyes.

My fingers.

My nose.

Take it all.

I don't care.

Cut my entire head off.

I would give anything and everything to make her better!


  1. It was always there you just didn't know it. Your willingness to cut off your arm that is.

  2. I agree with Jill. You just weren't put in that situation. Unfortunately now you are. Not that cutting off your arm would fix things but had this happened at the same time you were thinking you wouldn't cut off your arm, you would be writing the same thing; take everything, just make her better.

    I also think you are being too hard on yourself. I know it's pretty much impossible for you not to, given that you, like me, like to have control over things and now you are put in a situation where you have NO CONTROL WHATSOEVER. But seriously, cut yourself some slack. You are dealing. Period. Some people couldn't do that. You are doing amazingly well, even when Highly Emotional Girl appears :) You are dealing. Never forget that. You.Are.Dealing.With.The.Undealable.

    Jen, I admire your honesty and for dealing with your situation. You really are an amazing woman!!!! If you ever forget that I'll be here to remind you of this fact. And it's just that, a FACT, not an opinion.

  3. Jen, you are such a strong woman and have a huge mountain to climb in front of you, but Aviana is just a child who wants nothing but comfort and love right now. I know it sounds corny - but - "One day at a time" has to be your motto from now on. Every day you have with your girl is a gift. There is no magic wand, giving of body parts, no snapping of the fingers, etc. to make everyone's pain go away. One day at a time will help to heal and to accept your new life with Aviana. She's the same adorable child in that body - you will find her again.

  4. It was always in you. You wouldn't be where you are now if it hadn't. Plus some of your baby's strength must come from you and your family.

  5. When Emma was born, I was struggling to feed her. I couldn't sleep with the noisy roomie at the hospital, I was in pain, I couldn't stand up, and I had a very large and very hungry baby. I broke down crying one night and asked to see a lactation consultant. I was bawling so hard that a social worker came in to check on me.

    The next morning I saw the lactation consultant, and she looked at me knowingly. "Let me guess", she said "you work, right?" I told her that I did. "You probably are very particular about certain things. You want things to be in there place, you hate surprises, and you are good at your job." she said. I just looked at her and let her go on. "You are beating yourself up! You haven't done this before. This is all new. The baby is learning how to eat, you're healing and trying to learn how to feed her. Stop beating yourself up!"

    You're in a new situation now, and things are changing day by day. In a way, it is like have a little baby. Avi was reborn in a way, and is dependent on you for everything again. So don't beat yourself up. Adoption is tough on the best of people, and bonding doesn't always come easily even if you grew the baby in your tummy instead of your heart.

  6. Jen,

    Sorry I haven't been here too much of late; I got a new computer and I have your blog on memory in the old one.

    You are so very hard on yourself---but this post made me cry because yes, take it all---I get that. I love the reference to Dr. Seuss.

    Hugs and support :) and continuing prayers.