Friday, November 30, 2012

I Remember You?

Music is my life. My life is music. Thanks to the worlds greatest invention, Apple TV, this house is in, and on a constant rotation, day and night. Our little girl was brought up this way. By the tender age of 2, she could name that tune in two notes. She would stop whatever she was doing every time Butch Walker, or Gary Allan would swivel through the speakers and lock eyes with me. With the sweetest smile, and voice...oh that voice, she would scream, "Mommy, Butch Walker!!"

These memories are forever on ice. Frozen in time. That's what happens when something like this happens. When your child was stopped. Abruptly. They become forever encapsulated in a glass box of memories, protected and guarded in the hearts of the people that knew and loved her most.

Those memories teeter. They delicately balance. They walk a tightrope. When exposed to air, and the light of day, they hinge on wavering emotions. Do we silently assess each others? Or do we just share freely? I'm not so sure. Probably a little of both.

There's a fine line of wanting to remember Aviana, but also wanting to forget her at the very same time. I will forever be so proud of who she waswhat she used to do, and say, and my hope is that everyone who knew her, will always remember her too, but the truth is - as more time has passed...I am so thankful for all I have forgotten. Forgetting makes this journey easier in some respects, as remembering is at times just too painful.

There will never be a time in our lives where we don't reflect back on that little girl we once had, as she was such a big part of our lives. We will always look back with pure happiness, great sadness, or most likely...a combination of the two. How can we not, when every single day we look at her now, and at some point - we are reminded of her then?

It was not my intent to delve into all of this with you today. My intent was to share a memory, one of how much Aviana used to love music, and still does. I have always thought I was supposed to be a singer in a Rock n' Roll band, but the problem is - I can't sing. That doesn't stop me from singing to Aviana all day long. And guess what? Because she can't talk...she can't stop me! No really, she likes it. I came on here to share the song she really loves when I sing to her lately. I can kind of tell because she really looks at me. Her eyes go back and forth intently, her arms move, and she looks all lovingly.

I secretly think she likes it so much because it says...

I belong with you, you belong with me
You're my sweetheart

And for other reasons...


  1. "There's a fine line of wanting to remember Aviana, but wanting to forget her at the very same time."

    Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you for saying what I am almost ashamed to admit. I don't want to forget sissy and yet I feel as if I don't have the ability to keep all the memories at the forefront of my brain. I love having my notebook so I can jot things down of her and then tell myself "ok, I can forget it forever now and I'll still have it if/when I want to." But then I feel like shit at wanting to forget her. But it's so hard to remember and miss everything I don't have.

    Yet again our situations are so very different and yet so very alike. Our emotions are different and yet so very much the same. Our sense of humor is so very much ALIKE!!!! In fact I'm writing a post about that.....just wait :)

    I love you, my stripy Jen.

  2. I watched and listened with fi. I cried, she shook her ball. Once again don't know if I was crying for you or me. Probably both. But it's beautiful and it touched me. Love you all. Xoxo

  3. Audrey & I just listened to this. We had never heard it before but she says she likes it. I am sorry for all the emotions you & Dave and Cameo have to navigate through. I wish there was no hurting in the world. At least we have music. That is my refuge at times, too.

  4. I love this song. Andi love this blog post even more. Manny asked me why I couldn't give away Christian's baby clothes yet. They are my frozen memories and I can't part from them.