Tuesday, December 6, 2011

When I Look at You...

I wonder....

I never stop wondering.

Are you bored?

Are you tired of therapy?

Do you remember your old life?

Do you think I'm crazy?

Why did you make it?

But can't do anything?

What are you thinking?

Do you think I think - too much?

Do you sometimes wish you could slap me silly?

What does a seizure feel like?

Does it hurt?

Should I revert to feeding you more of the food you refuse to open your mouth for?

I know the seizures would surely lessen.

Why does everything have to be so push/pull?

Are you happy?

Are you sad?

Or are you just fine?

Do you wish you were well?

Do you wish you could play?

Is that why you give your friends dirty looks when they ignore you?

Do you think I'm a bitch?

Sheesh, I'm sorry I get so frustrated with you when you are not eating well.

You can only have food spit in your face so many times.

I know.

It's me, not you.

Always me.

Not you sweetie.

Yes, I do remember the scene from Say Anything when I get upset with you.

But a movie is just that, a movie.

They have no idea what it's really like.

No one does, but you and me, Avi.

Just you and me.

Do you laugh on the inside when I complain about burning my head, yet again, with the flat iron?

Do you want to remind me that you survived 9 surgeries?

One of which, included the placement of 10 plates and 40 screws to assemble your skull back together.

Does this make you wish I would stop complaining about when I wracked all four of my little toes on the coffee table last week?

Are you thinking..."baby, she's such a baby."

Do you still miss Kama everyday?

I do too, honey.

I do too.

Are you happy to have so many elves working for you?

Are you happy with the work we have done thus far?

Do you wish you could help?

Can you feel the love of everyone around you?

Do you feel you got the shortest end of the stick?

Or are you just happy to be alive?

Are you happy to be alive?

Do you think we made the right decision?

or not?

Do you ever feel that I think we made the wrong decision?

If so,

Do you hate me for wishing that God would have taken you,

or left you in some sort of working order,

and able to do or show happiness,

And not leave me guessing the day away?

You understand, girl.

I know you do.

You know it's not because I don't love you,

But because I love you so much!!

Does it hurt you to watch us make pies from your polka dotted bean bag in the kitchen?

Do you wish you could help us?

Or am I projecting once again?

Do you remember Guatemala somewhere deep within your soul?

Do you wish you were never adopted,

and that maybe,

just maybe,

you would be happy, and healthy had you stayed?

Or are you happy with us?

Do you know we love you?

And Rainey does too?

I know you feel how protective she is of you.

But also that she takes advantage and tries to swipe your food.

Sibling rivalry.


I wonder if you know how much we have tried to help you.

And always will.

Do you miss going on three day excursions with Nana and Papa?

Do you know how much we all love you?

And miss you?

I wonder if you are here for a reason.

There better be a reason for all this.

When I tell people what I think you think,

Do you think...

Boy, does she have it wrong.

All wrong.

Are you thinking anything?

Are you the eyes and ears of this institution?

Or am I just making that up?

Am I seeing it all wrong?

Tell me.

Do you wish you could talk?

Do you try?

Or is it just too hard to try?

Or are you?

I wonder.

Do you wonder who this other girl is we speak of,

Or do you know exactly who we are talking about?

Does it make you sad?

Does it amaze you that that girl is frozen in time?

Two year. Ten months.


Am I learning all the lessons you bring forth?

Or am I missing the mark?

Help me baby.

Help me, help you.

I love you.

Are you better, not bitter?

I think you are.

I need to learn from you, my dear.

Did you like when I made you dance with me to my favorite Lady GaGa Christmas song?

Or did you think it was inappropriate when she said,

Light me up, put me on top ~ let's

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Or did you have as much fun as I did?

Did it hurt you to just watch us decorate the tree?

Did you wish you could be part of it,

Like you used to be?

Or as we were twisted in half working lights and cussing,

Did you think you had the perfect spot?

Do you get tired of me kissing you all day long?

I think your little life is so deserving.

Deserving of everything, and more than normal people.

Am I rude for saying that?

I just think after all you've been through,

which is more than anyone I know,

you deserve to be happy.

I feel it is my job to create everything for you,

And I have to wonder if I am.

Do I make you crazy?

Talking, talking, talking to you,

All day long.

You make me crazy too.

But, I know you are here for a reason.

Why were we chosen for this Avi?

Because we were.

Because we were.

Who am I to question Him anyway, right?


  1. Speechless and so sorry for you and Aviana.

  2. This song came into my mind right after I left that comment.


    You have Gary Allen and I have U2 :)

  3. What I love about you and your blog is that you have the courage to say what alot of people in your situation probably think but would never say. I don't think I could be so open and honest.I pray that God answers all those questions you have.

  4. You are an awesome person and an awesome mom. One day, you and your baby will walk along streets of gold hand in hand. And I am sure your beautiful girl will thank you for all the love and sacrifice.

  5. Tears is what have. We miss you guys and love you always. Sarah

  6. Wow, an amazing glimpse into your brain. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. They are things I wonder if you "think". You are so brave to share those feelings, and there are plenty that I have at times thought the same myself. The only thing I can reference is that no matter wha has happened to Avi, she is still a little girl, which means that you could ask yourself quite a few of those questions in any case. Love you!!!

  7. Jen
    I have never commented before,but I check and read the blog daily. I think you are a WONDERFUL mother and person! Avi is so lucky to have you as her Mommy!

    Always thinking of Y'all
    Melissa from GA

  8. I agree. Avi is incredibly lucky. I think you're too close to see what we see and we can see how loved she is by the two people who love her the most. We all love her, too, and we feel the same way about you and Dave. You know that, right?

    I think you ask all the right questions. The one about wondering if she's glad she was adopted, I'm pretty sure every adoptive parent has wondered that, at least I have.


  9. You are very brave, Jen. Brave to voice those questions, which I think any of us would have, were we on this difficult journey your family is on. You and Dave and Avi are all brave. How we all wish we could help make things different. Thank you for your nice note in the mail the other day. I've been thinking about you more and praying for you and your family. I continue that God will continue to "wake up" Avi's little brain, and that He continues to give you strength and courage each day. Thank you for sharing your heart and your needs with others.

    Nancy in the Midwest

  10. Oops. I meant to say, "I pray that God will continue..."

  11. You are a great mom...I wish you peace.