Take Two!

I was looking for another old blog post and stumbled upon this one, "Confessions of a Brain Injured Child's Mom." I read through and many are still the same, but some have changed. I decided to do an updated one. I have evolved in some areas, have stayed spot on in others and have sadly regressed too!

1. Aviana's Elves is one of the best, most exciting, most rewarding, things I have ever done in my life. I now know what a quarter of Oprah's pinky fingernail must feel like. 
2. I am inspired by your good nature and the way you always have a way of wrapping your arms around us!
3.  My sadness over Aviana is at an all time high.
4.  I no longer have the time or energy for family drama or people who suck my good energy away. 
5.  I gravitate toward the people in my life who are supportive and loving towards us.
6.  The brain injury world can feel pretty isolating ~ if you let it.
7.  I don't have the energy I wish I had to spend on other people's blogs, or to support them in the way you have supported me. It feels selfish.
8.  I unintentionally play the "pain game" and hate myself for it. Pain is not a competition and who hurts the most, doesn't win anything, but I am at a place in the grieving process where I somehow get some sort of pay off from playing in my mind. I am hoping it ends soon. I feel awful about it.
9. My kid makes other kids feel strange. And while I fully understand why, it doesn't hurt any less.
10. Birthday parties are the worst for me. Whether it's Aviana's birthday or any of her friends. I am so sad for this fact, but it remains to be true...against my will.
11. I am in many ways worse, than better.
12. I get my hair done every 5 weeks (to cover up the gray) because I don't want my outside to match my inside.
13. I have developed neck problems from unintentionally clenching my jaw so much from stress.
14. I'm such a dork and can't bear to watch one of my very favorite shows anymore. On Mystery Diagnosis they always end up getting better and never just stay in the Land of Limbo like us.
15. I don't enjoy other people's pain, but from #14 you might think so. It sucks to have these weird feelings about such weighty topics. Those crazy feelings make me feel sick to my stomach. During those times, I feel like a terrible person. 
16. If I am talking to a friend about the reality of what's going on with Aviana, I go to the entire opposite end of the house and shut myself in the closet to talk and cry my eyes out. I don't want Aviana to feel the weight of my grief or to think she always makes me sad. I cry while I am talking to her often, so I try to hide the remainder of my sadness. I then laugh at myself, because she knows exactly what is going on around here. She is the eyes and ears of this institution ; )
17. I am constantly seeking out things that feel good.
18. I love this little girl so much it hurts.
19. I love mindless TV, like Jersey Shore, Millionaire Matchmaker, and Tough Love. These shows allow me to escape this reality, even if only for a little while ;o)
20. I still wear the same outfit (usually jeans and a tank top) for two days in a row, so I can think of one less thing.
21. I truly have brain damage by association. I keep every single thing having to do with Aviana in perfect, proactive, working order and then the rest...well, see the video at bottom for how I feel about the rest. I think of that video a million times a day ;o)
22. I used to be able to put all my blessings front and center and now my grief tries hard to blind me of these very things that should be saving me.
23. I have an irrational fear of cancer that developed in the last year. My Maggy (counselor) says I am using it as a distraction from thinking of all things Avi. I am not afraid to die, if I got hit by a truck and died, I would be ok with that. With a disease, I don't feel I have anymore fight left in me. I fear one more battle would send me over. I can't fathom being down and unable to care for Aviana. I would also then need to rely on that many more people for help. The whole scenario makes me ~more than~ uneasy!
24. I have disconnected thoughts.
25. I feel that my various layers of grief have all rolled into one messed up ball! I think it sucks! I wish I could snap my fingers and it would all just disappear.
26. I hate having to rehabilitate my kid and wish we could just run errands and play, like we used to!
27. I often think that when we couldn't have kids, we should have listened.
28. I want to be better, not bitter...the opposite is having its way with me and I am fighting hard against it!
29. Once again, grieving sucks! It distorts reality and I don't like it.
30. In regard to the brain, I am learning the very hard way, try as you might...you can't fight what's not there.
31. I love lamp.

Yep, that's me!

See, disconnected thoughts.

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What confessions do you have?