Monday, December 5, 2011

Take Two!

I was looking for another old blog post and stumbled upon this one, "Confessions of a Brain Injured Child's Mom." I read through and many are still the same, but some have changed. I decided to do an updated one. I have evolved in some areas, have stayed spot on in others and have sadly regressed too!

  1. Aviana's Elves is one of the best, most exciting, most rewarding, things I have ever done in my life. I now know what a quarter of Oprah's pinky fingernail must feel like. 
  2. I am inspired by your good nature and the way you always have a way of wrapping your arms around us!
  3.  My sadness over Aviana is at an all time high.
  4.  I no longer have the time or energy for family drama or people who suck my good energy away. 
  5.  I gravitate toward the people in my life who are supportive and loving towards us.
  6.  The brain injury world can feel pretty isolating ~ if you let it.
  7.  I don't have the energy I wish I had to spend on other people's blogs, or to support them in the way you have supported me. It feels selfish.
  8.  I unintentionally play the "pain game" and hate myself for it. Pain is not a competition and who hurts the most, doesn't win anything, but I am at a place in the grieving process where I somehow get some sort of pay off from playing in my mind. I am hoping it ends soon. I feel awful about it.
  9. My kid makes other kids feel strange. And while I fully understand why, it doesn't hurt any less.
  10. Birthday parties are the worst for me. Whether it's Aviana's birthday or any of her friends. I am so sad for this fact, but it remains to be true...against my will.
  11. I am in many ways worse, than better.
  12. I get my hair done every 5 weeks (to cover up the gray) because I don't want my outside to match my inside.
  13. I have developed neck problems from unintentionally clenching my jaw so much from stress.
  14. I'm such a dork and can't bear to watch one of my very favorite shows anymore. On Mystery Diagnosis they always end up getting better and never just stay in the Land of Limbo like us.
  15. I don't enjoy other people's pain, but from #14 you might think so. It sucks to have these weird feelings about such weighty topics. Those crazy feelings make me feel sick to my stomach. During those times, I feel like a terrible person. 
  16. If I am talking to a friend about the reality of what's going on with Aviana, I go to the entire opposite end of the house and shut myself in the closet to talk and cry my eyes out. I don't want Aviana to feel the weight of my grief or to think she always makes me sad. I cry while I am talking to her often, so I try to hide the remainder of my sadness. I then laugh at myself, because she knows exactly what is going on around here. She is the eyes and ears of this institution ; )
  17. I am constantly seeking out things that feel good.
  18. I love this little girl so much it hurts.
  19. I love mindless TV, like Jersey Shore, Millionaire Matchmaker, and Tough Love. These shows allow me to escape this reality, even if only for a little while ;o)
  20. I still wear the same outfit (usually jeans and a tank top) for two days in a row, so I can think of one less thing.
  21. I truly have brain damage by association. I keep every single thing having to do with Aviana in perfect, proactive, working order and then the rest...well, see the video at bottom for how I feel about the rest. I think of that video a million times a day ;o)
  22. I used to be able to put all my blessings front and center and now my grief tries hard to blind me of these very things that should be saving me.
  23. I have an irrational fear of cancer that developed in the last year. My Maggy (counselor) says I am using it as a distraction from thinking of all things Avi. I am not afraid to die, if I got hit by a truck and died, I would be ok with that. With a disease, I don't feel I have anymore fight left in me. I fear one more battle would send me over. I can't fathom being down and unable to care for Aviana. I would also then need to rely on that many more people for help. The whole scenario makes me ~more than~ uneasy!
  24. I have disconnected thoughts.
  25. I feel that my various layers of grief have all rolled into one messed up ball! I think it sucks! I wish I could snap my fingers and it would all just disappear.
  26. I hate having to rehabilitate my kid and wish we could just run errands and play, like we used to!
  27. I often think that when we couldn't have kids, we should have listened.
  28. I want to be better, not bitter...the opposite is having its way with me and I am fighting hard against it!
  29. Once again, grieving sucks! It distorts reality and I don't like it.
  30. In regard to the brain, I am learning the very hard way, try as you can't fight what's not there.
  31. I love lamp.

Yep, that's me!

See, disconnected thoughts.

★ ★ ★

What confessions do you have?


  1. First of all, I have to ask if #16 was meant to be a quote from The Breakfast Club? or am I dating myself with that?

    Okay, my confessions:

    I am 42 years old and wish I was 30 so that I could have at least 6 more children.

    I hate that I am getting old not because I don't like being older, or going gray, or wrinkling...but because it means my fertile years will soon be behind me.

    My brain injured child can make me happy and she can make me sad in the exact same second.

    It's been over 13 years since her accident but yet I am still not "over it" and there is NO SUCH THING as being "over it".

    Sometimes I play the "twin" game in my mind...and I imagine that there is another Audriana growing up alongside her, but this one is the original her and is doing and saying and thinking all the things that her twin would have/should have/could have....if she had not been brain injured.

    I was both happy and sad in the same exact second when Afton (Audriana's 16 year old younger sister) got her driver's license. Happy for Afton, but yet sad for Audriana.

    I was both happy and sad in the exact same second when Afton went out on her first date two weeks ago. Happy for Afton, but sad for Audriana....who in her heart is a very romantic person, has crushes on boys, but at the age of 18 has never, ever gotten any attention (except negative and mean stuff) from any boy. This hurts my heart because she is such a beautiful girl, but yet "boys" can't seem to get past her handicaps.

    I feel bad that Afton is in the shadow of her older sister. I compare her accomplishments to the ones Audriana doesn't reach only because she is the one who should be doing things AFTER her older sister, not the other way around.

    When Afton needed some behind the wheel training to get her driver's license, I took both her and Audriana to the church's parking lot, and before I let Afton drive the car around the lot, I let Audriana get behind the wheel and had her drive around for a little while. I did this just so that in my own mind, things could go in order for once: the older sister driving before the younger sister. Maybe it would stop right there in that parking lot, but at least in MY mind I knew that it went in the correct order, at least for me, as I was teaching my girls to drive. One would continue on to get her license, and the other would only drive in the lots when no police are around. This is the best I could do.

    I secretly wish my children could walk around all day with helmets on their heads. While traveling in cars. Playing sports. At school. Everywhere. Because you never know when a brain injury can happen. I just don't want to risk it happening again. I couldn't bare it happening again. I just couldn't go through it again.

  2. I have a severely debilitating autoimmune disease. I've had it at the severe level for 9 years. I'm 29. I can't have kids, work, have a social,life. I've been homebound for 6 months. I was always the "smart pretty one". Now people either pity me or they dont understand how someone can be so sick but look so normal (invisible illnesses you idiots!:). I'm in pain 24/7 which is the worst part. I play the pain game too & I also feel terrible for doing it. Ive become very bitter. My friends are starting to have kids. It is hard. I'm happy for them but sad for me. I worry all the time that I'd something happened to my husband, how would I survive financially? We have a comfortable life. We just bought a Nice house on the beach in NYC but that's because he's working like a dog. If I'm being totally honest- I've never told anyone this. I don't like people IRL to see any weaknesses other than the physical with my health- I fear in 10 years my husband will want to be a dad more than a husband & he'll leave me for a healthy person who can take care of a child. Thanks for "listening". Best to you Jen.

  3. Grief, grief, grief. What a tricky, twisted, confusing thing it is. Last week in group therapy (not to be confused with my regular therapist OR my psychiatrist OR my doctor) I was talking how I'm in denial. The therapist started talking about the five stages of grief. Step one is accepting the fact that your loved one is gone. I laughed at loud because OBVIOUSLY I haven't done that one. BUT I have done step 3 which is starting a new life and doing "normal" things without your loved one. I've made number 3 my bitch for a long time but I can't do step 1. To be honest I think the five stages of grief is bullshit. You feel what you feel when you feel it and sometimes it's 48 things at once. There are several ways that I describe this to "those" people. My therapist (my regular therapist, not to be confused with my group grief counselor OR psychiatrist, haha......) explained it to me like this, people will forever be split into two groups, those who "get it" and THEM.

    I USED to have irrational fears. I know I've told you before that I had a recurring nightmare for more than 10 years that either mom or papa would be diagnosed with cancer and be given six months to live. Never once in my dream was sissy in it. Who would have thought it would be my SISTER who this happened to. Oh, that's right, she lasted 8 months so I guess that's the silver lining (sarcasm font please).

    NOW, just recently, I have come to the realization of how much I hate cancer. I have always hated but now I hate it more than ever. If I could I would have everything taken off of me that I could get cancer from but then again, what good I be to the kids if my insides were gutted, arms and legs chopped off and a lobotomy.

    Grief, grief, grief. It's a sick and twisted THING that invades your life like, like, like a cancer!!! Haha, guess I still have my own sick twisted sense of humor, lol.

    Jen I love you so much. I love your family. I love Aviana. Valentina asks about her all the time. She can't wait to see her. Oh, and I got your card today and don't worry, I'll give you a heads up before we jump in the car and take a 10 hour drive.....but we just might! We have another road trip coming up in February so we'll see how the kids do and then will be able to gauge how the kids would do. But after having spent just a few hours with you in person and countless emails and phone calls I KNOW we will see each other again!!! Summertime is when we really get antsy and like to get away. But we WILL do it....hopefully.

    I love you.

  4. Seven years ago...cancer stole my husband out of my arms. Grief is a process...but it is an individual process...and it does happen at 48 different ways at different times. The holidays are a time of family and reflection. These are wonderful gifts...but not always seen that way by grief. Grief is the naysayer in my focuses on what I lost and not the gift of what I had. Jen, your grief... as a mother who loves Avi is harder...and I can't imagine how hard it is for you. I read your posts and my heart hurts for you. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Prayers for the Neurologists to discover new and improved ways to help Avi's brain heal. Prayers for you to give you the strength to continue your journey one day at a time.

  5. i am in denial

    πŸ’œ πŸ’œ πŸ’œ
    i got your christmas was so special to me!!!!
    i am so excited to hear how πŸ’œAVI'S ELVESπŸ’œ do with their delivery ....i really wanted to join in the fun. but things are not working out the way i wanted. (i'll try harder for your next run......valentine's day?)

  6. UGGGGHHHH ....all those πŸ’œ were supposed to be purple hearts.....idk if i like this computer anymore. :(