Friday, October 25, 2013

You Might Think

Throughout the years following the accident, I contemplated Aviana's actual death many times. I've played the scenario over in my head. The ending I hoped for was always the same. Never wavering, unchanging.

When her time came, I prayed I would walk into her room and she would have gone peacefully in her sleep. If it should happen, this was my secret dream, one I began sharing with family and friends recently. I so desperately wanted this for her, for us. I thought it would be the best and easiest way. I thought it was all I could handle. It makes perfect sense for someone who was formally terrified of death.

Never wavering. Unchanging. That is, until three weeks ago. I thought, "no way, not ever! All these years, I was wrong." All I want...is for her to die in my arms. All I want is for her last breath to be with me, not in her room, by herself, alone. I want for her to be surrounded by Dave, Rainey and me. I want her to be with us.

But it's not about me. It's about Aviana, and we all know she has her own agenda, so we do our best to respect her ❤

Once again, just when I thought I knew...I really never do. That's what keeps this life interesting, right!

9 comments:

  1. Praying you peace...

    Sending virtual hugs your way

    Much Love,
    Your Fellow GuatMama

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  2. Jen, My heart is breaking for you so much. I'm so sorry I have lost touch with you. You helped me in very dark days. Sending you so much love, prayers for you all.

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    1. Thank you so very much for your comments. They meant so much to me. Thank you for the love and prayers. I am always thinking of you and wishing you love as well.

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  3. Thinking of you your family and Aviana and praying for all of you. I hope you can be there holding her! You are amazing.

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  4. I pray that she is in your arms too...
    Today, in honor of Aviana, I smiled all day purposefully to make others smile back. You never know what others are going through and knew that if Aviana were able to smile, she would most certainly try to make those around her smile too.
    #actsforavi

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    1. Hi Sarah ~

      Your 'Act for Avi' makes me smile every time I read it. I think you are so very right in every word you wrote, and I fully believe that too as I move through the world.

      I so appreciate you and how you honored Aviana. It is difficult to lose a child, but with people such as yourself it definitely helps. Thank you : )

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  5. So sorry for your suffering, but you are lucky for the time you have. May you find peace. Today, I publicly forgave the child who wrote racial slurs on the outside of my front door. He vandalized our house, because my children are adopted from Guatemala, and we are a multi-racial family. So I am dedicating an act of forgiveness to Avianna #actsforavi

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    1. Thank you so much for your thoughts. I am sorry that child vandalized your home, and especially for the reason. My heart sank when I first read your comment and each time thereafter.

      Thank you so much for dedicating your act of forgiveness in honor of Aviana. I appreciate this more than I can ever express to you.

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  6. I, like so many others, have followed your journey with sweet Aviana. I hope you know that prayers are going out for all of you! I'm praying that you will feel a special peace right now that only God can give. Love to you , Dave and that precious little girl!
    Jerri in EDH

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