And Beyond

You might wonder why it is that we love our dog so very much. Well, we are dog people through and through. We were put on this earth to have dogs for the rest of our lives. One after the next, after the next.

For us, the truth of the matter goes so much further than that though. For all of you who have kids, imagine how much they bring to you each and every day. Think of all the funny, quirky, sweet things they are constantly doing to fill your soul. Think of all the non-stop action they provide, running, jumping, hopping, spinning around all goofy and crazy. Think of the laughs, giggles, smiles, and back and forth exchanges of love and life. Good or bad, just think of one full days two way interaction....now suddenly, take that all away. Take away every single thing I listed above. What are you left with? Not much.

Now, don't get me wrong, there is a difference from before I had kids, because I was absolutely fine with what I am about to say, but now and in light of having had one, this is how I feel. There is not much that fills a day. The house is quiet. The two way interaction is pretty much non existent. And, often times, a lonely feeling is what I am left with.

But here's the clincher, not only take everything away, but leave the child that cannot do any of these things. Leave the child, so you have a visual reminder of what you had before, and what you will never have again. Leave the child, so you can pour every ounce of your being into rehabilitation until you are both frustrated with the total lack of physical gains, and exhausted from trying as hard as you have to give this girl the quality she so much deserves!!  Leave the child that cannot show happiness. Leave the child who cannot tell you what she wants or needs. What about the FC Board? Well, you can strike that out too, as that is almost never happening in this household. That does not carry any sort of consistent weight, at all. But wait, she can eat all her food, and enjoy it, right? The truth is, feedings are the biggest nightmare of the entire day. I swear she does not get hungry, and I double swear that she does not open her mouth, oh and I triple swear that they are the highlight of misery in our household. So, for the record, go ahead and strike that too. Aren't I lovely? Right about now, are you wondering why you come and visit us here at all ;o)

This is all too much to try and explain. This whole thing is really hard to put into words, even if you spent the day with us, or visited often. Those are merely snapshots and then everyone else has some distance from this harsh reality. Well, I guess it is the same with every challenging situation. You don't fully understand unless you are in it.

How is one to wrap their brain around this way of living? How is one to shut down everything you know of a life, and carry on? I have done my absolute best to make peace with this situation, but it is getting harder and harder with each passing day. More to come on that, but I just don't know how to do it. It has been over two years, and now is harder than it has ever been for us. From the moment we made the decision to carry on, now is the time I feared most in my head. Now is where I hoped we would never be. Right here. Right now.

Anyway, for all of the above reasons, this is why we love Rainey so much. She is life. She is constantly filling our broken souls. She is our interaction. She is able to show happiness, excitement and love. She is the one who is bouncing off our walls, and doing crazy funny things. She is the light that has not gone out.

As I write all this, I of course have tears streaming down my face. I know darn well this is not Aviana's fault. I know if she could, she would. I know she doesn't want to be like this, or be unable to do all this. I know she is just trying to have a life too. I look at her, and cry as all she wants is some joy too. I know she would never have chosen this life for herself. I know she, of all people, does not deserve this. I know she wants what we all want, love and happiness. I know. I know she just wants to be loved. I know. Is it Aviana's fault that others can express themselves and she can't? NO! Is it fair that Rainey, or anything or anyone else can fill a soul so completely and she can't? NO! I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I quadruple times infinity know this is not her fault!!

I have all day to think about the nuts and bolts, and every single angle of this whole entire thing. And you know what, that doesn't help, because in the end...it all doesn't matter because this IS, WHAT IS. We cannot change what is, and therefore we keep on going. We keep on doing the best we can, but that is not ever going to stop me from saying how this feels. That's what I always want to know from others, what does that feel like?? Well, this is what this feels like to us!

We of course love Aviana, but it is just so different. We love holding her and loving on her, but she doesn't feed us in a certain way. And there is no way around it. Well shouldn't the point be you feeding her? Well, we always do the best we can. She is sweet and cute, but all of the stark reality surrounding her is just too much to bear sometimes.

If you are here ~ ~ ~ ~ I know this was all over the place, but that is how I feel lately. Thank you so much for staying with me, and listening to me.