Stuff and Nonsense

I stole the above title from the last song of an album I had on repeat when I was 11 years old. It was Belinda Carlisle, and although my 3rd favorite song (Band of Gold and Since You've Gone were my favorites) this song title has always stayed with me, and is completely fitting for this post!

Since I'm here, I'll go ahead and take a dip - without music - I would be horizontal and      d-e-a-d. I troll iTunes every.single.day. I especially look forward to Tuesday, because with each new one, I wake to brand new music!! I'm a lyric freak. There are no two ways about it. I'm also really annoying to drive with because I have no problem backing a song up 6 + times if we were talking and I wasn't exactly paying attention to the song that was on. Fun, right? Would you like to road trip with me? I didn't think so. I can't help it. It's my drug!! My crack. Gosh now that I'm thinking about it, my habit might be more expensive than crack? It's hypnotic, intoxicating. It's the best thing on earth...that and animals, of course.

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Where I write is where I leave almost everything, and that includes some of the saddest, most desperate moments of this journey. I choose to share the down and dirty because I once found myself very alone. I felt as though I were the only one in the world that stepped off a plane and couldn't bond with her new little baby. That was definitely one of the lowest, and saddest points of my entire life. I found myself to be completely alone in my feelings, as all of us within our agency had gone through this new and exciting process together, but I was the only one who seemed to come out on the other side with this stark reality. 

Every which way I turned for help, I was greeted by another brick wall. I quickly learned the whole 'not being able to bond' with your new baby business was a dirty little secret that no one wanted to talk about, or admit. All I wanted to do was talk about it, to find someone who was going through it too, so I could find ways to resolve it. There was nothing I wanted more than to love our new little girl. My gosh, we had waited our whole lives for her!! 

So in all of my writing, I make a conscious choice to always include every aspect of what this is like on the inside. The very last thing I ever want is for anyone to ever feel as I have felt/feel in my life, and that is alone in their feelings.

So much can cause us to feel alone. A death, disability, divorce, disease, miscarriage, infertility, the list can be never-ending. I've been touched by many within that list alone. I think what is most important to remember is the grief attached takes an undetermined amount of time and usually comes back in varying waves for most. What we all feel, is what we feel and it should never be determined by another individual. What one person breezed through, may take a lot longer for another. Our grief is our own and no one else's. We all walk our own paths in this life. No one else's. Yes, we move forward and most get better and stronger. Our grief evolves. It transforms, but I venture to say it ever goes away, it just changes and we learn to better deal with it. I am of course speaking for myself only.

I have seen far too many people apologize for their own grief. My question is always the same...why? You will never catch me apologizing for my grief when I am feeling an overflow. I have learned the hard way, if I push it aside, it slaps me 22 times harder. I want healing, so I now know I must surrender to it. I won't hide my grief. If it's not, I won't act like everything is okay. I have never been one to pretend. With me, what you see is what you get...always. The only way to further the healing process is to walk through it. It sucks and doesn't feel good and often times I want to dig my heels in, but from experience - I know I better get walking.

Writing is where majority of the grieving happens, and as I was reflecting back recently I realized a funny thing. I don't even know most of you out there, but with you, I share what I don't even happen to with most of the people I do know. Not because I wouldn't, but because the opportunity doesn't usually arise. I was comparing my real life scenario to my writing life, and the two are quite different. Yes, with those I am very close with...I have a few break down moments here and there, but overall (aside from the goof girl), I'm even keel in my real life. When it comes to Aviana - we only really talk about her to people when they ask, which is almost never. So things around here are usually pretty normal life, light and airy. I guess that is why I am so thankful for the outlet of writing.

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I eat chip sandwiches. They are my favorite. It all started at BBQs when they would be serving hamburgers and hot dogs, and because I don't eat meat, I wouldn't have much to eat. At some point many years ago, I decided to make them as normal, but fill them with chips in place of the meat. On the way to every BBQ, I actually started hoping they were serving hot dogs or hamburgers instead of tritip. I want one now, with extra, extra relish...please.

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My face is a problem. It has staged a revolt against me. Dave and I laugh because it's like I'm a teenager all over again...but worse. After we're done laughing, it's not funny : ( I have tried just about everything. I tried the stinkin' Clarisonic that everyone raves about, and no it didn't work. I have tried that Clydamycin that my brother said was the only thing on earth that worked for him. I mixed it with Retin-A. This is what I feel like sometimes. These are the lengths I feel I have gone...

But then I went to the doctor and guess what she told me? She thinks I might be starting menopause! What the?!? I just turned 38. I was 37 when she told me that. Makes sense. I was about 27 or 28 when I was told I had NO EGGS in this body of mine! So, I am all out of whack! And so is my face. But, I will fight it, I am off to a really awesome aesthetician in the beginning of April. If any of you have any suggestions, I welcome all the help I can get.

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We have been in a really good place with Aviana. Acceptance with the hardest and most bitter pill to swallow, but once we gulped it down - it was by far the greatest gift we could have given ourselves. I'd say we moved into this place a little over a year ago, and it was as though the world was lifted from our shoulders. Loving Aviana for who she is is where it's at. Not expecting of her and being pleasantly surprised by anything else she ever does in this life is the biggest blessing in itself. 

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I have a cabinet in my kitchen that no matter how many times we clean it and say, "we are going to keep this cabinet in perfect order and never let it get messed up again" it always gets messed up, and fast. I'm convinced. It's possessed. It's like Monica's closet on Friends. It's the Tupperware cabinet. I can't stand it. It's my arch nemesis. My mom is coming over today. Maybe she will help me once again? I already know what she's going to say, "Again?!? Okay, I'll do this one more time, but keep it together this time."

Tupperware hates us,

and we hate it.

So there!

Wait a second Tupperware! Are you in cahoots with my face?

***

On Saturday Dave strung two sentences together that put one thought in this head of mine.

The first,

"Ray Girl, you're going to be 3 years old!!"

The second,

"Hon, what are we going to do for Rainey's birthday this year?

Rainey's big day last year.

A trip to the park with her friends Oski and Joey.

A homemade cake of all of her favorite ingredients.

As I was thinking of her birthday last year, and Dave's two sentences...it hit me! Rainey is the age Aviana was when she was hit by a car. Let me re-phrase that. We have had Rainey as long as we had Aviana before she was hit by a car. Let me say this in words I can understand. We had Aviana as a healthy brained child for as short of a time as we have had Rainey as a dog. Let's see if my brain can stretch itself around this amount of time? We had Aviana the way she was, for as l-o-n-g as it's been since the last time I kissed Kama. 

Okay...I've got it.

"I don't know. How do you think we should celebrate our girl's birthday?"

***

I love the smell of lumber, and Tahoe. My dad is a General Contractor in Lake Tahoe so I grew up on job sites. I was in Home Depot the other night and there is nothing I love more than the smell of fresh lumber. Or the forests of Tahoe, because that's where the job sites were. The combination of the two is pure bliss. Sprinkle some rain drops on there, and you'll have to pry me away.

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I wouldn't trade my life for anyone's. The highs, the lows, the happy, the sad, the agonizing pain, all the in between. I would and will take everything. It all is me and me is all I want to be.  I fully believe every single thing that has happened is as it should be. It is all by design. I am fully confident this is all for the betterment of myself, and those around me.

I know I share a full spectrum of thoughts and feelings on here, but overall - I have always felt in the deepest parts of my soul that if this didn't happen something far worse might have to us as a family. I don't know what, but something. I've had a hard time admitting it, because I have always felt that Aviana took the worst of the fall, Gary second, and like dominoes we fell consecutively in and for our family. I know that sounds strange. I know I have touched on this minimally before. I have so much more to say about all of this, but I do believe with my whole heart that everything in this universe is as it should be.

After The Institute program I used to wonder about Aviana, I almost never wonder anymore. I can now sometimes sit and stare at her for hours. I wish you could all try it sometime. They say the eyes are the windows to our souls. They truly are. She is such a blessing. Anytime I feel far away from her, all I have the do is lay down next to her, and look into her eyes.

Some are taken. Some are spared. I used to question. I don't anymore. She won't be here forever, but until she is no more...we are going to learn, love and enjoy.

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The votes are in -

AVI WASHINGTON 2013