Breathing Treatment

This is what one of Aviana's breathing treatments look like. We do this 10 times a day for 5 seconds, and we add 5 seconds every 3 days until we get up to 30 seconds a session.

After we complete a treatment, she is unbelievably loose, and attentive. She also opens her mouth like she wants to talk to us.

After the first one I ever did, I was just kidding around, and asked her to say Mama.....I swear she did. I was in such shock, but then my skepticism stepped in, and made me doubt her until I heard it again.

Dave came in tonight, and told me he thought she said it too.

Wonder

I see the stories all the time.  Person involved in an accident.  Person went without oxygen for a period of time. Person airlifted to whatever hospital.

Person dies hours later.

Person dies the next day.

Person dies five days later.

Person dies two weeks later.

Person dies one month later.

Person dies fifty two days later.

Person dies a year later.

I always wonder how did the person die.

Was it naturally?

Or was it because their family had to make the horrifying decision to let them go?

After standing in that very position, I completely understand families deciding one way, or the other.

Call me morbid, but after reading devastating news, I can't help, but wonder.

I Want to Be Free

I want to be free of this brain injury.

I want to be free of the relentless hours of therapy.

I want to be free of this daunting responsibility.

I want to be free to go.

I want to be free to do.

I want to be free of wondering whether this girl will have a great life.

I want to be free of guilt.

I want to be free of how heavily everything can weigh on my mind.

I want to be free of this heavy burden.

I want to be free of this mountain when I am out doing fun things.

I want to be free from always having to come back to this stark reality.

I want to be free to go to the zoo like we used to.

I want to go to relaxing locations, not PA over, and over again.

I want to be free to get dressed up and go out on a Friday night.

I want to be free of this lack of energy.

I want to have a fun life again.

I want to tell this brain injury to go the F away.

I want Kama back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want my parents to have the happy, go lucky life they had as retired grandparents.

I want to turn the clock back.

I want the shackles to this house to be released.

I want to be free to go and do all of the things other families get to do.

I want normalcy.

I want to make her lunch, and have her be able to feed herself.

I want to be able to feed Aviana with ease every time.

I want to have more time for family and friends.

I want to be able to do her hair, and not have her head flopping all over like a rag doll.

I want to be able to walk around my house, and not have to carry an extra 33 pounds.

I want my entire house to look normal, and not like a freakin' therapy department.

I want my healthy brained kid back.

I want to sit around the dinner table, and talk about our day.

I want to be young, and carefree, not feel older, and more tired than I am.

I want to go back to a time when I didn't have this weight hanging around my neck.

I think all these things, and they are always followed by....

You can't go back.

You can never go back.

Stop your bitching.

It could be WAY worse.

Do you see how contradictory this world can be?

Different days, bring about different emotions.

Pity Party

We

eat,

breathe,

and sleep,

THERAPY!!

What I am trying to say is,

morning,

noon,

and night,

involve

THERAPY!!

You might remember, I had a mini meltdown, and in my eyes, the only thing to do when you melt is run as fast as possible to Mexico. Upon returning from Cabo, we needed to devise a new and improved game plan. We were running therapy seven days a week since December of 2009.

We decided to change things a little. We now complete about a quarter therapy on Saturdays, and about half on Sundays.

It is now May, shouldn't this feel like a relief??

Things have no choice, but to change. I feel like I am going to break. More than that, I feel like Aviana is splitting. While Dave is at work, and while I am out running errands on the days Lesya is here, Aviana is a 4 year old machine.

Everything about this program is monotonous, robotic, sterile, and completely uneventful.  We need it though, but more than that, we need to find ourselves a freakin' life.

We desperately need balance. I have been feeling this way forever, but actually achieving balance, without feeling you are failing your girl is much harder than it could ever seem.

We just booked our 4th trip back to PA. If anyone is counting, this is our fourth in less than 18 months. I am exhausted to say the least, but I know it will do us a world of good.

I am beyond run down, and tired to boot. I am now really sick, and am obviously feeling sorry for myself.

Hopefully tomorrow I can pick my sorry butt up off the floor, and press on...

Baby Girl

When we began the adoption process, I really wanted a baby. I thought I would bond better with a baby. After Aviana was born, we waited 11 long months to finally travel to Guatemala, and bring her home.  From the moment we met her,  she was on the move.

For the entire two years we had her, I could barely hold her. I remember when she first came home, I would try to sit her on my lap, and get to know her. She would bite me. I felt sad as she took off, and all I was left with were tiny teeth marks!!

For the entire first year, I remember saying....

I wish I could hold her.

I wish she would stay still so I could love her.

I wish she were younger when we finally got her.

I wish she wasn't quite so independent.

I have no idea if that would have helped any, but in my very own mind it made perfect sense.

I remember talking to the doctors after the accident. They told us Aviana would be just like an infant. They told us we would have to care for her every need.  They told us it would be like starting all over, and that we would have to teach her everything over again. I remember feeling so sad. Sad that our fiercely independent girl would be fully dependent. I wondered how that would make her feel.

Because we could never sleep at the time, we would stay up until 5-6 am installing our hardwood floors. I remember the exact room, and hardwood plank where Dave looked up at me and said, "You will now have the baby you always wanted. Be careful what you wish for."

I try hard to always look at every single positive aspect of this situation. In doing so, we have found that having a baby is the most wonderful experience. We love holding her, and loving on her. We love caring for her. We love being there for her every need.

I was really worried about how she would react, and so far, I think she really enjoys it too :o)

To be continued....

A Wise Man Said...

I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."

~ Martin Luther King Jr.

True!

Savage

Rudeness is a characteristic I don't have much tolerance for.  I feel it serves no purpose! I have been up against some extremely rude people in my life, and this quote sums up exactly how I feel about them!

 Take that, rude people!

Ha Ha.

More About You Mondays

Last weeks question was much too hard to answer. So here is a small list of some of my favorite songs....
























































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For this week, I am wondering the difference between what you thought your life would be, and what it is? How do you handle the difference between the two?

Exactly!