Patience Redefined

We live in a fast paced world, and if anyone pauses a second too long, others are quick to get upset.

Before the accident, I was guilty of, often times, being one of those people. I was never rude to others. I never, ever honked my horn, or said anything to anyone, but many times, my internal dialogue was terrible. Especially if I was in a hurry!!

After the accident, things changed. I can still be internally impatient at times, but overall, I see Aviana everywhere I go.  I also see any other person in the world who may be brain injured to some degree, or a person who may be going through something that cannot be seen by my naked eye.

It seems everywhere we go, I am constantly spouting off the same thing. It's like my tag line....'Maybe she's brain injured??'

I see these people when ~

I am at the ATM, waiting behind a person who is taking a very long time.

I am ordering a sandwich, and the girl is nervously trying to hurry, because she knows everyone expects  her to be quick.

the light has turned green, and the person in front of me has not realized it.

I am at the grocery store, and the person in front of me is taking more time than usual in making change.

I am at a department store, and he can't quite figure out the transaction with the money I gave him.

I am at a restaurant, and she can't calculate the coupon correctly.

Everywhere I go, there she is! 

My little teacher girl, I carry her with me in the world. She makes me a more kind, and compassionate person. It never ceases to amaze me what one tiny, little girl can do. She can't talk, but boy does she speak volumes!

What a beautiful, secret world we live in....

More About You Mondays

I really appreciate you for sharing your stories with me. I am thirsty for insight on how others deal with pain, grief, and loss of any kind. Your stories seriously touched my heart, and I admire you for how each of you continue to push through ;o)

I have had quite a few struggles late in life. With my latest tragedies, I have been forced to develop more advanced coping skills. I am so thankful to have been under the wonderful care of my counselor. Her name is Maggy, and I thank my lucky stars for her. She is that great ;o)

I have always been the type of person to make sure everyone else is doing okay, and if not, I try my absolute best to help. There is nothing I love more than people being happy, and peaceful. I avoid drama like the plague. After the accident occurred, I carried on my responsibility of making sure everyone else was okay. I tried my best to be as strong as possible for everyone else, and worry about myself later.

Insomnia took on a whole new level, and in the dark of the night, I would fall apart. I am a worrier by nature, and during these hours, I would let it all out.

All of my life, I had wished I were the type of person to live in the 'now,' but due to my nature, I could never achieve it.  The first months were insane. I would end almost every night in a downward spiral of worry about Aviana's future, our future, the future of my parents, etc.

I worked closely with my counselor at the time, and she would help me to not borrow worry, and to always, cross that bridge when we came to it. It all sounded like things I had attempted my entire life, and had never succeeded.

After a few months of all out worry, and misery, I slowly, but surely developed these skills. It was not because I suddenly 'got it', it was simply because the alternative was devastating.

Early on, I had found the perfect quote, and held on to it as though it were my motto ~

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles, 
it empties today of its strength." 

I knew I needed all of the strength I had for Aviana, so I worked and worked, and then suddenly it just became my new way of life.

I learned that you can be sad, and walk through all of the difficult times, but that you can experience all of this, without turning yourself into a tweaked out terror.

This is the single greatest lesson I learned in dealing with grief, and loss. I have learned to not let it consume me.

I can honestly say, I have never once said 'why me' throughout this entire ordeal. I have a good grasp on our life's plan, and I firmly believe everything happens for a reason, even if we can't see it at the time.

The loss of Kama put me over the edge. I miss her so terribly much, but am so thankful for all I had gone through, and learned with Aviana. 

While I am still so very sad at times over my girls, and even though, at times, I feel like my heart is being crushed in a vice, I have many of the skills in place that I so desperately needed.

I do know I have a long way to go on this journey, and am currently trying to learn how to handle the layers, upon layers of grief. I know there will be more to come, so I am a student who will never be done learning new ways.

I am not one to pat myself on the back, but I am very proud of the fact that I don't let myself travel down the 'what if' or 'coulda, shoulda, woulda' road very often. I don't allow myself to ask, what if Aviana never walks? What if Aviana never advances beyond where she is now? What will happen to Aviana after Dave and I are dead and gone? The last one is the most difficult, and used to keep me up at night. It still brings tears to my eyes, but that's all. I don't explore it any further.

We do what we can with therapy, and make sure to put all of our finances in order for the future, but beyond that, the rest is in God's hands. I feel comfortable in knowing that I am doing all I can.

As you know, the other ways in which I deal with pain, is through music, blogging, and gathering from others who have been down a similar path of grief, and loss than mine.

I pray for strength, and guidance everyday, and do my absolute best to not be a bitter, angry individual, who takes their anguish out on others. I know, full well, that does nothing to help, and only to hurt.

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If you haven't already noticed, I am quote crazy!!

Can you please share your favorite quotes with me??

Like Butter

She melts in her Uncle Roger's arms!

Quote

"Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent."

~ Jean Kerr


Thanks Jen...I LOVE it ;o)

Why Not...

Rainey ~

Sharp Whisker

Rough Paw

Dumpster Diver

Baboon Butt

Mat Dragger

Bare Elbow

Nine Collar

~ Hodder

She also answers to...

Sa~Ray Sa~Ray

Ray Ray

Siraz Siraz

Rainey Day Hodder

Aviana Who?

I know all parents have nicknames for their kids, but I think it's gotten way out of control around here.  It's to the point where I am not so sure Aviana knows her own name anymore. This is just a small sample of what it sounds like around here ~ 

Kee Kee

Koo Koo

Miki

Miki Feek

Miki Fiki

Miki Head

Kee Kee Miki

Dee Kee

Meeks Keek

Sweet Potato Pie

Muffin Head

Meeks

Keeks Meeks

Miki Mooko

Mook Mook

Mooks

Meeks Feeks

Fiki Head

Boo Boo

Boo Bear

Boo Boo Head

Shadoo Shadoo

Shadoobie Head

Avi Bear

Bear Bear

I can't imagine why she would be confused....

My Wish

I wish I may,

I wish I might,

Have the wish I wish tonight.

I wish I could kiss her brain, and make it all better!

Photos courtesy of Aviana's room...

More About You Mondays

I have to start by saying, thank you for responding! Having these stories to read throughout my weepy week was wonderful. Your stories were hilarious!!

Okay, I didn't think this through all too well. It turns out, when I ask you for your most embarrassing moment, I have to tell you, mine.

It's not rocket science, but once again, the obvious always seems to escape me! Once I realized it was my turn, I felt comfortable in telling you my number one 'falling down' story. It involved high shoes, Target, and a fall that wiped out the entire wall of gift bags, tissue, ribbon, bows, etc. This was all coupled with an onlooker saying, "the price we women pay for fashion!" as she pushed her cart past me.

It turns out that story wasn't good enough for some of my close family, and friends. The embarrassment of the other story washed over me like it just happened today, rather than 12 years ago. I decided I couldn't do it, but Dave insisted. He graciously pointed out that I had asked everyone else, and that you deserved this in return.

I hope with the extensive build up, my story will not be all that embarrassing to you after all!!

So I used to work in sales, and sometimes had time in between appointments for shopping. I was up in the sticks, and decided to stop at a department store.

I picked a few things out to try on, and proceeded on to the dressing room. The store was pretty dead, and no one was back there, so I let myself in. I tried my clothes on, hung them all back up, and collected my belongings.

I pulled the door to let myself out, and this is where the horror began. The door was stuck. I pulled, and pulled, and pulled. I unlocked, locked, and unlocked, over, and over again. I was getting so frustrated, as the minutes were quickly stacking up. Only one person came back at the time I was stuck, and it was early on, so I didn't call out. By the way, I am not the type of person to yell out, "Excuse me, I think I am stuck in the dressing room!" I am stubborn, and was determined to figure this out myself.

After pulling some more. I sat back on the bench, and thought for a moment. I could not figure out why the door wouldn't budge. I then thought I would just simply crawl under. Seemed like a great idea. It wasn't until I got down on the floor, and closer to the door, that I realized just how small the space was. There was no way I would fit under.

So, I pulled some more, and when that, once again, didn't work, I devised a brilliant plan. I decided to lift one leg up, plant my foot firmly on the side of the wall, and pull with all my might. When that plan went up in smoke, I retired back to my bench. By this time, I had worked up quite a sweat. I was sitting wishing I had brought my cell phone in. What would this help, I wondered? Well, I thought I would be able to call Dave for advice, or maybe even call the front of the store, because calling, and telling them I was stuck just seemed a tad less embarrassing than yelling out to someone.

I was really needing to get the h*ll out of there, because now I was running late to my next appointment. Finally, after about 30 minutes of this nonsense. I walked up to the door, my hair a sweaty, matted mess, my brain completely perplexed, and I pushed the door ever so slightly. To my complete horror, the darn thing opened right up. I was overcome with so many emotions at one time, the frontrunners being embarrassment, and stupidity. At that moment, if you looked up that word, you would surely see my stinkin' face.

On the way home, I had decided taking this one to the grave was best!! Once home though, Dave caught me laughing to myself, and insisted I spill. We still laugh to this day.

Seven years later, and after many, many drinks, I made the huge mistake of telling my dad. He has never let me forget, and thinks it is the best story ever.

I completely humiliated, and embarrassed myself, and the clencher is ~ there wasn't even anyone else involved. Usually a story is embarrassing for the simple fact that others were witness to the act.

Moral of this long, drawn out story....always try pulling, and pushing!

Who'da thunk????

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So, I really need your help on this one! I really try and handle this entire 'Aviana occurrence,' and all its splendor, to the best of my ability. I find I am so thirsty for others' experiences in this area. Todays question is very deep, but I am asking if you could please take the time to answer, because I am really seeking out help.

The beautiful thing is, all it takes is one simple sentence that rings true to another, and things change....

I am wondering what your biggest struggles in life have been, and what have you found to be the best ways to help overcome them?

I know you may not want to publicly post about this subject, so if you would feel so inclined, my e-mail address is jen@serendipityscraps.net. I want to thank you in advance for revisiting your struggle, I know it is hard to do.

Something I often encounter ~ some people don't want to tell me their story, if it is not as horrific as mine. Please do though, because what it boils down to, is struggle, and how to work to overcome it.

If you do send me a private e-mail, I want you to know, your secret is safe with me. I am known in my family as a vault. If someone tells me not to tell, I never do :o)

Clear As Mud

After receiving some feedback, I realize I was not clear in one of my recent posts. The questions I answered were from some of you, and not the Oprah staff. That was a totally different long-winded, 4 1/2 page letter :o)

What a Week

It has been a weepy week around here. Tears are falling all over the place. Tears, tears, tears.

I cry...

watching how hard Aviana works to play with her doll.

when I feed her, and watch how far she has come, and how much faster she is eating her meals.

when I watch her drink her water.

when I go into her room to check on her, and she looks like a perfect little angel.

when I am doing her hair, and trying to avoid all of the extensive scars on her sweet, little head. I am reminded of all she has fought through.

when I change her clothes, and look at all of the other various scars all over her body.

when I look at her, and admire how hard she works every.single.day of her life.

when she is lying on me, and I feel her breathing. I can't help but think of how hard her heart worked to continue on.

when I think about her watching us walking back, and forth, popping up, and down off the couch, smiling, laughing, joking, feeding her, bathing her, clothing her, hugging her, pushing her hair out of her face, all of the things she was once able to do herself.

when I reflect back through the week in order to write this.

This list doesn't even scratch the surface, or even include Kama.

What a mess.