Scars

Before, if I saw a cute outfit for Aviana, I used to buy a few. One to wear this year, and one for the next.  If it were really cute, I would stockpile!

Just prior to coming home from the hospital, Aviana had ballooned up in weight. None of her old clothes fit her. Her weight continued to increase. I went through my stash of this years, next years, and the years beyond in clothes. Nothing fit.  I ended up buying her all new clothes.

For me, one of the saddest days was packing up all of her old clothes. The above statement was put much too lightly and delicately.  I felt sick to my stomach, and through tears, I stuffed all of it into a space bag. This task was accomplished as fast as humanly possible. Even at lightning speeds, I could not stop the slideshow of memories. With each passing outfit, there were vivid mental pictures.

As I bundled the brand new items for future years, complete with tags and such....I felt like a stupid, idiot. A fool. Why would I have purchased these? What was I thinking! Each day is not a guarantee. At that moment, I vowed to never purchase another item for the future. 

Fast forward to yesterday, I found the cutest little Halloween shirt for Avi. Without a thought, I grabbed the next size up. For next year, of course.

It wasn't until I folded it, and walked to the familiar future drawer that I remembered my vow. The pain of the last withdrawn contents was just about as fresh as the last time I had opened it.

I thought to myself, of course Avi will be here next year. She is strong. She is healthy. She is vibrant.  My mind quickly remembered, she was all of these things before too.

I wasn't sure what to do, so I just laid her new shirt on the dresser, to be dealt with at a later time.

Appreciated

Thank you so much for taking the time to give me suggestions for Aviana's costume this year!

I received her costume in the mail a couple of days ago, and am so excited for Halloween this year.  I am thinking it will definitely be a tear free holiday!

Would you rather?

Aviana was in the hospital for a total of three months. She fought for her life in Trauma 1 for one month, and then was moved to the Kaiser PICU. She then was moved back to the UCD PICU for just about one month.

In that time, I saw some of the most horrific things I had ever seen.  My heart went out to the various families of these particular children.

For some strange reason, which at the time I did not understand, I would play a morbid game called "Would You Rather?"  I would drive Dave nuts with this game.  It went something like this....

Would you rather have a brain injured child or a child with cancer?

Would you rather have a brain injured child or a child that was burned?

Would you rather have a brain injured child or a child with no arms?

Would you rather have a brain injured child or a child with no arms and legs?

Would you rather have a brain injured child or a child that had passed away?

Would you rather have a brain injured child or a child with progeria?

Dave appeased me for a little while, and then stopped me in my tracks with this....

I would rather have a perfectly healthy child, than a brain injured child.

I quickly started to keep this sick game to myself.

At first, I noticed I would rig the game in my own mind to always have the brain-injured child "win." I then realized that I would question every single scenario, and wonder what I would prefer. This kept me busy for quite sometime. Sadly, I began to recognize that Aviana, in my mind,  was losing in so many scenarios. I think this is why the game went on the decline.

I try not to play this game anymore, but it sure has a way of sneaking in and taking over sometimes.

I felt like a weird sicko, and so I did eventually bring it up to my counselor.

She said, "It's not sick, you are just trying to make some sort of sense out of this horrific, tragic event."

I suppose I will never be finished making sense of this, and I will just have to sort of go with the crazy, mixed up things my mind sometimes does.

The bottom line is, I too so desperately.....

Would rather have a perfectly healthy child, than a brain injured child.

What to Do?

Halloween is by far, my favorite holiday.  I love dressing Avi up, but am having the hardest time finding the perfect costume for her this year!

I went to all of the stores and looked around. I went to some online sites. I even started to look on Etsy. I am seriously stuck.

Here lies the problem, I wanted her to be a butterfly, but wings don't exactly work with a child that cannot stand. It seems everything I like, or want, has wings and things :o(

I found a few others, but the truth of the matter is, they won't look right because a child of her age is usually able to stand :o(

I want her to be something cute or spooky, but not something she has been before.

I could use any suggestions or help possible :o)

A trip down Halloween road...

She was a cute little ladybug.

Then, a scary witch. Actually, she didn't get the scary part down, she was just plain adorable.

You may remember last year, she was a cracked out, pimped out, kitty cat. I was in tears last Halloween. I thought she looked cute, but I couldn't stand her costume!  This year, I don't want to revisit the past, I desperately want her costume to be perfect!

How must she feel?

The girl who coined the term "Avi Do It," and lived it to the letter.

The girl who was fiercely independent and could do everything.

The girl who made it a point to take full care of herself.

The girl who could zip zippers,

and put on all clothes.

The girl who could put her own diaper on,

while in diapers.

The evolved girl, who could fully go to the bathroom herself,

including washing her hands.

The girl who would wrestle any pair of shoes into submission,

upon her tiny, little feet.

The girl who could button buttons,

like the best of them.

The girl who would sit and analyze,

every single obstacle, until she overcame it.

The girl who would grab her bib out of the drawer and put it on herself,

and then climb up into her tiny chair at the table.

The girl who wasn't afraid of anything,

and grabbed life by the horns.

How must this little girl feel?

The one who is completely dependent.

The one who cannot take care of herself.

The one who cannot zip zippers,

put on a diaper,

go to the bathroom,

wash her hands,

The one who has her clothes,

and shoes,

picked out,

and put on for her.

The one who cannot button buttons,

get ready to eat,

feed herself,

or eat much food by mouth for that matter.

How must she feel?

To go from complete independence,

to total dependence!

The thought is...

well, 

indescribable....

It Takes Two

It takes two to keep this boat afloat.

It takes two to agree with the direction of Aviana's care.

It takes two to be completely on board with how to move forward.

It takes two to divide and conquer the brain injury beast.

It takes two, for when one is falling behind, and the other is running ahead.

It takes two brains to somewhat master this program.

It takes two to be equally in love with this little girl.

It takes two to sacrifice most of ourselves for her recovery.

It takes two, as there is always one to cheer the other on.

It takes two to keep her showered in love.

It takes two to fully trust in her ability.

It takes two to completely believe in her recovery.

I'm sure it could be done with one, but I thank God for two!


I love you baby! 

Where Were You?

Happy Birthday B

Today is Dave's birthday!

One year ago today, we brought Aviana home from the hospital. She was the most perfect birthday present ever. I can't believe it has been one year!

We are both so happy and grateful to have her here with us.

The three of us are going out to dinner tonight to celebrate.

It is a perfect day today, other than the obvious....it is windy, overcast, and just plain beautiful!

I love you honey. I can't imagine going through this life with anyone, but you. You make even the darkest of days bright!

Thank you for being the best husband and daddy!!  We are three of the luckiest girls in the world =)

Speed Test

I do it all the time.

My mind grabs the wheel.

My heart wrestles for control.

Against my heart's will,

my mind prevails.

The car that hit Gary and Aviana was traveling at about 31 miles per hour.

As I drive,

I constantly look down at my speedometer.

I continually question myself.

Is this how fast the car was going when they were hit?

No, 4 miles faster.

Was the car traveling this fast when Gary flew over the hood?

No, 3 miles slower.

Could this possibly be the speed at which my baby slammed her head on the concrete?

No, 6 miles faster.

Here I am

I have always known this saying,

But have never fully embodied it,

Until now.

Wherever you go,

There you are.